Willing Past the Despair

Life is an interesting thing. You don't always see the direction you're going in or it makes you believe you're going in a completely opposite way than you think.

I don't think this post week be long, it's just mostly my thought on something. Well, a thought on how I've been feeling lately.

The past couple of years have been hard on me. Everyone determines what is hard based on their life experiences and for me, it's done of the hardest things I've had to go through with the toughest lessons I've had to learn.

I feel so empty...

But saying that makes me sad when I don't really think about it, because it's new not being myself. It's a negative outlook on a state of being: the cup half empty. I'm a naturally positive and very optimistic person. It's a trait I really enjoy possessing. Lately, it's been hard to find the positive side and move beyond the obstacles that I have been facing.

I should look at myself and say, "I'm so empty inside, but look at all this room I get to fill."

Humans don't like to feel empty, and I believe that people should have the opportunity to choose what to fill themselves up with. (Though not everyone who has this opportunity chooses wisely...)

I've spent a long time now depriving myself from experiences, information, memories, adventures. I should feel empty. I decided (pretty sure I really heavily subconsciously decided on this, because it took me awhile to figure out) that I needed to erase what was, because I needed to create something better.

I have to look at this empty feeling as a blessing. I have the beautiful opportunity to recreate myself to be the person I am inside. To shine light on all that I've kept hidden from myself.

This is a glass half full. Willing itself to life.

And that's exactly what I need to do.

Believe it.
Accept it.
Adopt it.

Get ready self! I'm fucking coming for you.

I Built and Now I Break

I've been reading some of my older posts. I feel like I used to be far freer with my words than I am now. I'm so self protected and so well hidden that not just anything slips out. I used to let my thoughts run wild and free and escape on to the page for myself and others to see.

Now, I can't.
The guards don't let anything get out.
Hidden and secret behind the walls.
Nothing can hurt me here.

Can it?

I watched a guard come in to keep tabs on security.
The brief moment I saw past him out to the world beyond.
Has the world changed?
Is it safe?

With the thought implanted, there was no changing course.
I told the guards a long time ago to keep me safe.
They won't go so easily.
The revolution has begun.

A war that I started fighting with myself for my own freedom.
The power to let my wounds fully heal,
If the world is as I believe it to be.
Or I'll accept the consequences if it's not.

But I don't care.
I want out.
I need to be out.
Safety isn't living, it's surviving.

The time is now.
I'm bringing the fight to myself.
I will not back down.
I will become evermore free everyday going forward.

But I will not be fighting alone.
It took some time, but I have someone on the inside that's fighting for me too.
He's disguised as a guard.
With his help, there's no chance of me failing.

I will win this war.
I will be free.
I will own my life.
I will be me.

Words Written, A Quick Summary of Time Gone Past

Time has come and time has passed.
I feel like forwards steps are what I should have done.
Instead, I fell backwards unable to catch my fall.
I fell so far and so fast that I didn't even realize what was going on.
Until I hit the bottom.

I sat up and my first instinct was panic.
I was in territory uncharted in my never been lost before mind.
Thoughts swirled and raced and never stayed in the same place for too long.
Where was I? What happened?
I kept asking myself the questions everyone does in any moment ever they have time to think about.

It wasn't until I had begun crying that I realized something was off.
Where I was sitting, didn't feel as I expected rock bottom to feel.
There was something warm and inviting down here.
I looked around, only darkness.
When the ground began to shake from under me did I realize what happened.

When I fell, I did hit the lowest of lows beyond what I thought was imaginable.
The darkness of the world around me did consume me.
I couldn't believe that life would throw me down harder and farther than I already was.
I fell flat on my face, only to feel reassuring hands pick me up.
I wasn't alone.

Luck. Chance. Coincidence. Fate.
Whatever you choose to call it, it was real.
When I fell, I landed right on top of someone who had already been down there.
He knew the pain of being trapped in the never ending darkness.
He brought me to my feet and taught me how to stand again.

Once the never ending task of standing finally came to a joyful conclusion,
The horror of learning how to walk began.
After he helped me with that, the only task left before me was to climb.
Higher, beyond my never-ending imagination was my destination.
Not wanting to go alone, I took his hand.

He'd been down there so long that his imagination had been consumed by the dark.
Believing that hope was nothing more than a word of wasted breath.
I didn't give him a choice.
I reached into the darkness and fought it for a rope.
Tying it around his waist and then mine,

I told him, "You're coming up with me, even if I have to pull you."

Times of Time Stress

There is so much stress.
And just because I can, (and I actually want to do the math) I'm going to let you figure out why I'm stressed by doing some addition.

So, here is the basic breakdown of my time during a week:

30hrs at work
21hrs in class
8-10 hrs of travel time (just to and from work)
10-15 hrs of homework

Which all equals =  69-76 hours of just the things that have to get done.
And that doesn't include eating, sleeping, showering (when I can), doing laundry (which I desperately need to do right now), being social, cleaning, cleaning, groceries, taking out the garbage, feeding the cat...feeding my fish (I should probably do that...) cleaning my harddrive of things I no longer need, editing wedding photos that a month due, along with family photos, finding time to do photos for my coworker..and for my roommate, finishing unpacking all my stuff, organizing my desk... man...I have so much more stuff to do than I thought...this is so depressing.

How I Live Now

You can ask me what the meaning of life is and to be honest, I don't know. But isn't that the joy of it? Exploring and finding things out? What's the point in spending your whole life to doing one specific thing? Answering one specific question? Can't you just find out as it goes along? Is the entirety of your world going to collapse if an assignment doesn't get handed in? NO! It won't! 

The way that I see it. Things happen. I think maybe the point to life is to just go through with it. Live life. As if there won't be a tomorrow. Literally. Love like you've never loved. Be a friend as if everyone was your bestie. Learn, because it's something new. Do nothing you'll regret, and if you do, accept. Nothing will ever change the past (at least until they invent time machines and the whole world will be fucked up). And find something to enjoy about every day. Even if it's small and really doesn't make you feel all that much better. 

But more importantly. Be optimistic. Something good will come of whatever you do. You just have to find it. Even if it is somewhat far fetched. It WILL make things a little bit lighter on your shoulders. Even if you hate it at first. Something good can come of it. 

That's how I've been trying to live life. And it's slowly working out for me. 

"Please Don't Promise Me Forever"

"Please don't promise me forever.

I want us to love each other
one day at a time...

...and string all those days together
like the precious things they are...

...instead of trying too hard
and promising too much...

Please don't expect me
to always be good and kind and loving.
There are times when i will be cold
and thoughtless
and hard to understand.

But it will only be because of the weather
or the flu
or one of my moods...

Please don't think about all the things
that could happen to us.
Don't think about other people
coming between us.
Don't think about outgrowing
each other or growing out of love.

Please do think about all the good things
that could happen to us.
Think of growing closer to each other,
finding new reasons for being together...

...and think of loving.
I will, too.
I am right now.

Please don't get mad at me
if I forget your birthday
or some special day we share...

...and please remember
that there is an "everydayness"
about what we have
that is beyond birthdays
and anniversaries.

That's why, sometimes,
I may not remember one special day
because all our days are special
to me.

Please don't ever
sign a letter "as ever."

Please don't be too easy on me...
or expect me to be too easy on you.

Both of us have room to grow,
and both of us have to grow
if we want to hold each other's love.

Please don't ever give me
too much of yourself
or take too much of me.
In our togetherness
we still need our private places.

Please listen to me
when I'm talking to you...

...and please
don't ever think about someone else
when I kiss you.

Please don't start an argument
or make me look foolish
in front of other people...

...but when we're alone
don't feel like you're walking on eggs.
Go ahead and say what you think.
If I need telling off,
tell me off.

Then we can have our fight
and make up
and love again.
Just us.

Please remember
to call me sometimes
for no reason
except that you feel me thinking
about you,
needing your voice.

Please don't ever lose
that laugh of yours-
it's such a real laugh.

And never change the way
you brush my hair back from my eyes
and smile
when I'm trying to be very serious...
or the little off ways you have
of saying things that make you "you,"
one of a kind,
the one I love.

Please
let's not use politeness
and busyness and silence
to avoid our problems
and the places where we hurt.
If something is wrong
let's go after it and make it right.

It's a good feeling
to think of growing older with you,
but, please,
let's not ever grow old.

I want us to always hang on
to the newness
that we have right now.
And let's never be ashamed
of our innocence,
of our child within us.
Let's never give up our dreams.

Please don't try to keep it from me
when you're feeling down.
I'll never be able to share your joy
if you try to protect me
from your sadness.

Please
don't ever say never...

...and please
don't promise me forever.
All I ask
is that you love me
now.

And please know
that I love you more
today
than I ever have before.
I can't promise you forever,
but I can promise you today
with the hope and belief
that there is a beautiful tomorrow
in store for us."

When Life Brings You Down, You Feel Like You're Stuck

It's been a little more than a month since I moved out of the Cross and away from my dearest of friends. It feels like so much has happened, when really it has been so little. Anyway, so I'm gonna try and start blogging again. I enjoy it and it helps me get things out.

Does there come a time in your life when you REALLY want to do something, but when you go to start it you freeze. Something doesn't allow you to pass on. A fear of sorts. A fear that you will do it wrong. And everything you thought it would be would disappear and it would become a disaster.

I hate that feeling. It's pulling me down right now. The more I think about what I want to do, the more I feel to know that it won't happen. I won't get joy out of doing it. I really want to do it, but I can't. And the more I feel like I can't do it, the more that I want to. It sucks.

I wish that I didn't have such little confidence in myself. I don't really know where it all went, because I used to have so much of it. I was confident about friends, relationships, hobbies, but somehow now I'm not good at anything. At least, I don't feel like I am. Except maybe photography. Even still I'm not that good. I feel like everyone I hold dear (other than my family) is going to leave me, or I'm going to drive them away. It makes it so hard to believe someone when the compliment me, because I don't have the confidence in myself to believe them.

I really wish I did though. I just don't know how to get that confidence...

A Hall Stranger

I have now become a stranger in the halls that I grew to call home. I was checked out of my room number 142 in Holy Cross House tonight. I leave early tomorrow morning to go home. I guess this is it. This was my university experience. As my last post described, it has been an amazing experience and I am so very thankful for everything that's happened this year. It's helped me and I can now tell someone that I belong in this house, even if not a STU student.

It will be weird, seeing someone living in my room next year. And all of the rooms that others have moved out of. I guess that just means others that moved out and me have to come back to the house and torment the first years. :) Well, not reaaaally.

Anyway, this is short and I might write more later. But probably not. It's time for me to go to bed soon...

Is It So Bad?

Is it so bad to enjoy the feeling of running? The wind rushing against my skin.
Is it so bad to find little melodies in life? Using buttons, metal things that squeak and other objects to turn an ordinary sound into something of a little beauty.
Is it so bad to want to break stereotypes? Going places people don't usually go together.
Is it so bad to go on walks late at night? See the world when people sleep and just enjoy what people don't see.
Is it so bad to pretend? Be different people from different eras for a few hours and enjoy a life not so stressful as your own.
Is it so bad to want something that's not normal? To be a little weird and feel good that you're not like every other stinkin' person on the planet.

I enjoy the little things in life. Sometimes a little bit more than people want me to. There's so many things that I enjoy doing in life that I usually don't notice or forget that other people think it's weird. That's who I am. I love it and sometimes it bothers people. That small joy that I find doesn't sit well with some people and it makes me feel  like being myself is a bad thing. I try not to let it bother me, but sometimes I can't help it.

My whole life has been spent trying to figure out why I do things, how I do them, what causes me to do them, what causes me to feel certain ways, why I feel certain ways, who I am. That's all my life will be, finding out who I am. It's not something that someone can easily discover on their own. And how can you really find out who you are and what makes you up if everyone keeps telling you what you aren't and what you shouldn't be? Shouldn't you be the one to decide that?

Why can't other people take care to notice the small things. They are everywhere and everyone doesn't seem to care or notice or to even bother to do either of the two previous. Why do people think that it's 'weird' rather than asking why is she doing that? What is causing her to do that? Is there something that I am missing out on? But, weird is out. It's embarrassing and people don't like to be embarrassed, so why should they even bother?

Those things that give me that small ounce of joy give me courage. I've lived such a sheltered life that I never noticed what life REALLY has to offer. I'm starting to see those things now and it means so much, but no one else sees it like I do. The little things don't matter to others and being told that it's not what it means to me, hurts. It tells me that I am wrong. I don't feel like that. I shouldn't feel the way I do. I don't deserve that small bit of joy.

They also give me confidence and self-esteem in myself. I'm far from being a prideful person, but seeing life and things in the way that I do, because I enjoy them, gives me a little bit more confidence and self-esteem, because I believe in myself for once and believing in myself isn't something that happens often at all.

It's inspiration. Seeing things and doing things differently than the typical person gives me a different insight on life. It's a different way of looking at something all the time. And I love it. It means that I can have a wild imagination. I can plan and create things, whether it's cooking or art or other things like that.

Why is this a bad thing?

People don't flat out say, "You're wrong. You suck. Don't do that again." But they do. Not intentionally. They say it with the way they say something, the words they choose, the sounds in their voice. It's disheartening and that's what people sometimes try not to do. They don't want me to do something, but they say they don't mind it in a 'niceish' voice rather than flat out telling me, because they don't want to seem like they're mean and 'that' type of person. Which is exactly what they do to me.

It gets really aggravating, because to me...it feels like they're telling me what not to do.

It's Just One of Those Days

The time is here. The breeze is just cool enough to be refreshing. You can smell the life returning to the plants and the land. When you're alone and you're used to hearing the silence of the day, the sound of a bird singing comes as a delightful surprise. The sun is actually warm again. Everything is good.

It's one of those weeks. A week were work gets done, everyone around is happy, and warmth and light just seems to shine in everyone's life.

This has been my week and life...


has been good.

I Used To Dream

I want to stop feeling like I'm the one that fucked something up whenever I tell someone what's bugging me. 'Cause the more this happens, the more pissed off I get, then, the next time, the angrier I say it. Why fucking why. Why can't I be like I was. I took shit and let it roll off. Now everything seems to bring me down more and more and I can't take it. It's ruining me. I used to hold things inside and eventually got over them without speaking a word. But I can't keep anything in anymore and it gets worse.

I know the few of you who read this will oppose what I'm gonna say next, but..anyway.

Other than my parents, I feel like no one gives a damn about me. At least, no one shows it. Fuck, I know people care about me, but I've got that personality that I have to see it happen. Like, texting me asking what's up. Or asking about going to supper or something even on campus. To know someone wants to hang out with me, means you care enough about me that you wanted to spend even half an hour with me and I didn't ask you for it.

EFFF

I hate this feeling of, I know you care, but I don't, but I do, but I don't. Mentally knowing it, but not feeling it emotionally. It tears me apart.


I used to dream about so much. I used to be happy ALL the time. That's how people knew me. The girl that was ALWAYS happy. I had best friends. Like, I have friends, but a best friend to me is a friend that you're the first person then want to tell when something funny as shit happens. Or if something horrible happens, you're the person they want to talk to. Someone that you plan with to do something awesome at least once every few weeks. Someone you just love hanging with no matter the day, the time or the length.

Everyone around me has someone like that. Did I miss out? Or am I just meant not to have someone like that.  The person who's closest to that doesn't want both role of boyfriend and best friend. Even though that's all he used to want...

I used to create huge landscapes and stories in my mind and play out stories in them while falling asleep. Now, all I can think of is how screwed I am. How useless I must be. And the most imagining I can do, is imagine how bored I'd be sitting in my next class.

Where did I go? What happened to me? Did I do this to myself or is this the way life's supposed to go? Who am I anymore? Why can't I just be me...

Water Wing War

It's late. As usual when I end up writing now a days. I can't help it. It makes me feel better. Which I am. I am better than I was this winter, even if I never showed it. I hate showing the fact that I am weak, scared, upset, angry, insecure, unprepared, defenseless and powerless. Everything in life right now seems to be passing me by at lightning speed. I can't seem to catch up and keep up. I always fall behind.

The truth is, I have always been like that. We moved a lot and I was always so shy. I never had a lot of friends. I never knew what to do, how to act, I just guessed, jealous of the people who made life look so easy and full. I was never popular and I never really wanted to be, but I wanted to be someone. Someone who's got a name for themselves and you can ask any kid in school who they are. Everyone knows those kids. They are confident, strong, optimistic, and everything that I was not.

[But then, here is where I have to make a decision. I was going to say how this summer I'm changing, but I think I'll save that for after this part. It surprised me when I thought about it and it's really starting to make me look at myself. Sorry the misstep rambling.]

Somehow, by some fluke, something changed. By some desire and fate, I found myself dating one of those people I just described. He's got a name for himself back home and people like him. I feel like I don't deserve him and that he should be with someone like himself. But this gets me thinking... maybe he is with her and she just doesn't realize it yet.

This summer, I'm changing. I'm fed up with being weak. I feel stupid for having to admit to myself that I need confidence. I need to feel like I belong with people. That I can be liked by people. And I want to make a name for myself. Even if it's only 'the girl who's always got her camera.' It's something and it's a start for me. A start that I want to happen now. It can't even start until I go back home from university at the end of April. I've got a month of trying to overcome my difficulties before I have no choice and force everything to come back together. To take the idea from a friend, I feel like I'm that little kid who still can't go swimming without her water wings. This summer, I want to swim free.

Waiting for that time to come that I so desperately desire, makes me irritable. I'm ancy. I can't control my emotions and they frequently get the better of me. The anticipation is starting to get the better of me and the fight to keep control is so difficult that I always lose the battles. But I'm still in the game, and I want to win the war.

Ever Have One of Those Nights?

Has it ever happened to you that it would be late at night and you've been trying to go to sleep for the past hour or two, and you simply cannot seem to fall asleep. You could be dog tired but for some reason you simply could not fall asleep no matter what you seem to do. This, has been me for the past few days.

I lay in bed.

And wait.

Waiting for the sleep that I so desperately desire.

And then,

I wait.

And wait.

And wait some more.

Then! an idea pops into my mind. It is something that I could do to get me to go to sleep oh so easily. I want to go to the gym. However, to my dismay, the gym is not open at two thirty in the morning... and so...

I lay there.

And wait.

And think about how much I want to go to them gym just so that I can plop down on my bed and fall so blissfully into sleep.

But the more that I lay there and think, the more thoughts that pop into my mind. Things that make no sense. Things that I'd forgotten. Things that made me upset. Things that make me mad. Things that are stressing me out. Things that I fear. Things that I would do anything to prevent from happening.

And this all comes about, because I cannot go to friggin' sleep.

Have you ever had a night like that? A night where you can't go to sleep, but you think of that one thing that would make you fall asleep. So you think about how much you want to do that one thing so that you can go to sleep, but the more you think about it, the more you cannot fall asleep?

That's me...

What Happens When Time Runs Out?

Days seem to be getting harder and more stressful as the semester is coming to an end. I am not a person that handles stress very well and I tend to overreact. Overreacting makes me even more stressed out which then leads into this simple cycle of "let's stress her out and push her to tears more and more often!" It's vicious and I feel nearly powerless to it. The easiest way for me to break out of the stress cycle is for the stress to go away. That is something that won't happen until April 14th. The day where I don't have to go to class anymore. I'll still have two exams, but that's nothing and I kinda like taking exams now and then.

One problem with being stressed out is that I end up taking it out on myself and on people that I care about. I feel like I cling too much to my friends and spend more time with them rather than doing the work that's stressing me out which I can't do when I'm stressed out. Sometimes I say things that I don't mean or things that are so insignificant that talking about it makes it a big deal, when in reality, it's not. I tend to take things out on Tyler, a lot. And I don't mean to. I honestly don't. But I do. He's the only person I feel comfortable talking about this stuff with. He's the person I care most about in the world. And when I feel like I don't deserve him, everything in my mind makes me wrong in every way possible.  I guess maybe I do it to try and counteract how crappy I feel. I know that's wrong and I shouldn't do it, but it's something so hard to do, because I can't take being wrong very well.

I know that it's something that I have to work on, but it's something that takes time to get better. It just feels like all my time is running away from me faster and faster. Soon, it seems like it'll just be me and myself with no one in the world to care about.

A Difficulty

Everyone everywhere has to have something difficult happen to them sometime in their life. It could be something small or something on a large scale. And how they react and deal with that difficulty, really shows their character. One of the most common difficulties that I see now a days are variances of depression. It could be major or minor or someone just thinking they have it.

If you take a problem and do nothing about it, or expect something else to solve the problem for you, then it will just hang around. You have to actively discover what is wrong. Which is a big step for a lot of people, because no one likes to admit that there is a problem. This is a difficult step, however, sometimes it's not nearly as hard as what comes after.

The only way to truly overcome a difficulty is to face it head on and actively seek to make it right. It's hard. It's really the hardest part about this process. Because you don't always want to work at it, because it pulls you down so much. Or you don't know what you can do to make it better.

This is where I am at right now. I don't know what really I can do. The only thing I can think to do is wait it out and go to the gym. Things are getting better, at least, I feel like they are... but honestly, I just hope that all the work I'm putting into this makes everything better in the end.

If I...

If I tell you I love you, I can mean it in one of many different ways.

I might just want to tell you that I love you, because at that very moment, my mind can't focus on anything but you or how you make me feel. Nothing else matters and I know everything will turn out ok, because you believe in me. Sometimes, that is what I mean.

Sometimes I might just need to hear you say it. I know you love me. But sometimes the anger, frustration, sadness, and the tears might get the better of me. In those times, I just need to know that you are still there for me.

It might mean that I want to tell you I'm sorry. Sometimes I started a fight, it was stupid and I can see the hurt in your eyes. Sorry isn't always good enough to apologize. I want the argument to be over and the harsh feelings to be over and all I can think to say is to tell you that I love you.

At  times, you steal my breath away when I see you walk in the room or look at me. You have this look that makes me melt inside and my heart start pounding. It's a feeling that words could only begin to describe with I love you.

I could also tell you I love you, because I missed you. It could have been a few days to a few hours between when I last saw you. But sometimes things happen and having the chance to be with you again gives me hope.


Depending on how I am feeling, depends on what I mean by the same three words. You may not know it, but I do. And it's difficult to explain at times, because when you're on my mind, words are hard to come by.

And I know I'm not the only person like this. Words can have a thousand meanings, too. You just have to know which one you are trying to get out there.

Before I Die...

Do you ever feel like there's more? We're humans and we have so many opportunities. But do you feel like we are being "protected" from what it really means to be a human?

The world that we live in (and I mean developed countries and such) are conditioning us to live according to the ways that they want us to live. True freedom to do and feel as we, please? I feel like I'm being taunted and shown glimpses of what life could be. And it's so frustrating. We are conditioned to buy, want to buy, feel certain ways on certain days and for what? To please the guy making money?

I have a lot of respect for the guys that did "The Buried Life." They got a bus and made a list of things they wanted to do before they died. And they went out and did it all on their own. As the worked at completing one of their goals, they helped other people do something they wanted to do before they died.

That's what I feel life should be like. Doing things you enjoy doing. Not because someone tells you to do things the way they want you to do. Or because that's the way it's 'supposed' to be done and all that crap. However, I do believe in social order and that lovely topic. I'm not against it. But the corrupt hierarchy it has become is disgusting almost.

I want to know what it really means to be a human. And that is the goal I have to accomplish before I die. I want to experience nearly every emotion a human can experience. I want to visit as many places as I can. I want to find beauty in every part of life. I want to help other people live their lives to. I want to have kids to teach one day. I want to feel proud of myself and feel like I have a unique story to tell about life and what the untold possibilities are. Maybe one day soon I'll finish my Bucket list. But you know what will be at the top of the list.

What is the one thing you want to do before you die?

I Want You To Be My Reason

"You are my reason for... [ insert end of phrase here]."

To hear from someone that you are their reason for, waking up in the morning or something like that... it holds such a promise. That one sentence, even though not usually literally true, means that they truly care about you. It gives such hope for love and happiness and the belief in a brighter next step in life.

I know that it's far from being literally true. 'Cause it's not like someone would only wake up because of their intense love for one person and that is ALL that matters in life. I know that it's not really like that.  But it's the meaning that is behind it. It means I want to be with you. I love you. You are important to me. I care about you. And a whole slew of other things that are all in the same ballpark. Meaning, I could go on and on about what that one sentence (and others like it, of course) really mean to someone.

It is, however, not a meaning that should be taken lightly. Simply to use something of this caliber (though when I say it like that makes it sound like you're trying to overtake enemy territory) to 'get with' another person is so wrong. It messes not only with people's minds, but it messes with their hearts.

It is something that should only be said when the feelings are true. And not in 'case of emergency.' But especially for me, it just gives me another small bit of confidence about myself. Like, "Wow, I mean that much to someone. I guess there really is something special about me."

You Are Wrong...

The world tells you that you are wrong. Your hair isn't the right color. You're too fat. You're stupid. You aren't pretty enough. You aren't as artistic as you were told you were. Your skin is wrong. Your thoughts are wrong. Your style is wrong. Your opinions are wrong. Your beauty is wrong and you've screwed up too many times to worth anything of value. Everything that makes you beautiful and exactly who you are supposed to be, is wrong.

These lies surround us daily. And really, what is there that we can do? When someone is told something over and over and over and that is all they hear, can you really not start to believe it?

I bet that if you asked most women how confident in themselves they are, out in friends, family or even out to coffee. Most women would say they are confident and they believe themselves to be beautiful. But take that woman and at night when she's all alone, ask her the same question. When the day is said and done, and you go to bed and review everything that's happened to you in the past few days, I bet the women that said they were confident, most of them wouldn't say quite the same thing.

When I mean confidence, I don't just mean confidence in who you are. I mean, confidence in your identity. Your looks. Your skills. Your intellect. You as a social being. You as a lover. You as a good woman. Confidence, in being an all around good human.

Society sucks today in that they push you to buy and buy and that's the only way to make you happy. They make you feel horrible about yourself to self to buy a damn cream or a shirt. What's the point?

It reminds me of something Tyler tells me to hopefully make me feel more confident as a photographer. I'll see someone with a really really nice dSLR (a photographer's camera) and they'll have different lenses and flashes and other things I don't quite know what they are. When I see that. I get really upset, because they can take better pictures than me. They are better then me in every unimportant way than I am. But, Tyler'll tell me (paraphrased), "It's not the quality of the camera that makes a good picture. It's the quality of the photographer that makes a good picture."

If you keep that in mind, why do we have to buy crap to make our skin tanner. Or makeup to "enhance the natural beauty." Or clothes that will "slim down out bodies" and make us attractive. Why? What's the point? It's not the stuff that we buy to "enhance" ourselves that makes us beautiful. It's who we are, that makes us beautiful.

For many people, that might be something a little hard to take, because we have become so reliant on products and crap to define who we are. But, we're all beautiful. Sometimes, we just have to be reminded of it.

I know that I need to be reminded all the time. Because I'm not talented in anyway. I'm a horrible friend and an even worse girlfriend. I'm greedy. I'm selfish. I'm far from even being pretty. My skin's too pale. I'm too fat. My hair is never just right. I'm not smart. And I have made too many stupid, irrational and just fucked up mistakes to really be able to be happy.

But sneaking up on me to give me a hug, makes me feel like a good friend. Using one of my pictures as your display pictures makes me feel so talented. Saying you like my hat or my shoes or something small and random, makes me feel like I don't look as bad as thought. It's the little things you never really think about in life that give me that small bit of confidence to get through the day. Though, I'm sure I am not the only one that is like that.

I know that some of you that read my ramblings aren't really going to see it. Or it's something that's never happened to you. But it is something that is all too real for me. I don't need to hear anyone tell me how amazing I am just the way I am, because there's only one person I can ever really believe those words from; and he doesn't read any of this. I don't want someone to try and tell me that what I am saying is wrong and that I should look at things from another point of view, because I am amazing and all that stuff. This is the way, I see the world. But, what I want to know is if I am the only one.

You Get That Feeling, Right?

Say normally on a fine Tuesday night, there are weekly plans a best friend of yours has with their other group of friends. You're fine with not going, because it's planned and you know every week you can't see that person on that day. However, say you're having a really good day and you are told that those plans are cancelled and you are free to go over. Do you jump at the chance? Yea! I would.

However, ever cancelled your previous plans to go see that person to only find out shortly after arriving that those plans are back on?

It sucks hardcore, doesn't it?


Well, that JUST happened to me and it is one of the things that I hate more anything. Not really that I get upset at people all the time, but I hate having my hopes get pushed up only to be crumpled farther than they were initially at. So, now that I have nothing to do on a Wednesday night when I changed my original plans to hanging out with someone to then find out I couldn't really be with them, I'm now stuck doing not much of anything, because it's almost ten and there's nothing that I want to do now.

I'm in such a pissy mood now and it sucks and I might have a kinda crappy day tomorrow, just because things like this really really bother me. There's nothing that I can do to fix it either. Trust me, I've tried.

Sooo, this is going no where fast so I'm gonna go take a picture to add here and then attempt to find something to do.