The truth is, I have always been like that. We moved a lot and I was always so shy. I never had a lot of friends. I never knew what to do, how to act, I just guessed, jealous of the people who made life look so easy and full. I was never popular and I never really wanted to be, but I wanted to be someone. Someone who's got a name for themselves and you can ask any kid in school who they are. Everyone knows those kids. They are confident, strong, optimistic, and everything that I was not.
[But then, here is where I have to make a decision. I was going to say how this summer I'm changing, but I think I'll save that for after this part. It surprised me when I thought about it and it's really starting to make me look at myself. Sorry the misstep rambling.]
Somehow, by some fluke, something changed. By some desire and fate, I found myself dating one of those people I just described. He's got a name for himself back home and people like him. I feel like I don't deserve him and that he should be with someone like himself. But this gets me thinking... maybe he is with her and she just doesn't realize it yet.
This summer, I'm changing. I'm fed up with being weak. I feel stupid for having to admit to myself that I need confidence. I need to feel like I belong with people. That I can be liked by people. And I want to make a name for myself. Even if it's only 'the girl who's always got her camera.' It's something and it's a start for me. A start that I want to happen now. It can't even start until I go back home from university at the end of April. I've got a month of trying to overcome my difficulties before I have no choice and force everything to come back together. To take the idea from a friend, I feel like I'm that little kid who still can't go swimming without her water wings. This summer, I want to swim free.
Waiting for that time to come that I so desperately desire, makes me irritable. I'm ancy. I can't control my emotions and they frequently get the better of me. The anticipation is starting to get the better of me and the fight to keep control is so difficult that I always lose the battles. But I'm still in the game, and I want to win the war.
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I can definitely relate to a lot of this, except that my biggest fear, so to speak, is loneliness, isolation. As someone who draws some much of their strength from other people, being alone too much really makes me feel alienated, unwanted, in a world where I perceive everyone is out having fun.
ReplyDeleteBut the key word there is perceive - so much of our own insecurities and problems are a matter of perception, of how we feel the world. That elusive trait of confidence - which I can say I can finally have in some measure, partially due to being one of the top students in the discipline - too often, is simply a matter of how you see struggles, how you see your weaknesses, and how you think of yourself. Don't think that just because somebody projects confidence doesn't mean they're necessarily 100% happy.
But insofar as our perceptions begin to shape our way of viewing the world, being positive about stuff like that can go a ways towards making you one of those people who you so admire. If that is what you truly want.
Personally, I think it's far more a sign of strength to be able to self-reflect and know every facet of your personality, than to not think at all and "just be." Although too much self-reflectiveness can bog you down, because the little details begin to take on a significance proportional to the amount of attention you lavish on them (instead of putting it in perspective), there's always a happy medium between the two to be struck.
There's no reason you can't start to shape yourself now, even if it's just in how you deal with schoolwork. It might feel fake at first, forcing yourself, but do it enough it becomes habit, habit becomes second nature, and second nature becomes primary nature. You are not trapped; given enough time and effort, you can shape who you are.
=) Though, Jessi, I have always regarded you as one of those strong, talented, creative people - and I imagine Tyler recognizes all that, as well. You just need to perceive it in yourself. ^_^