I want to stop feeling like I'm the one that fucked something up whenever I tell someone what's bugging me. 'Cause the more this happens, the more pissed off I get, then, the next time, the angrier I say it. Why fucking why. Why can't I be like I was. I took shit and let it roll off. Now everything seems to bring me down more and more and I can't take it. It's ruining me. I used to hold things inside and eventually got over them without speaking a word. But I can't keep anything in anymore and it gets worse.
I know the few of you who read this will oppose what I'm gonna say next, but..anyway.
Other than my parents, I feel like no one gives a damn about me. At least, no one shows it. Fuck, I know people care about me, but I've got that personality that I have to see it happen. Like, texting me asking what's up. Or asking about going to supper or something even on campus. To know someone wants to hang out with me, means you care enough about me that you wanted to spend even half an hour with me and I didn't ask you for it.
EFFF
I hate this feeling of, I know you care, but I don't, but I do, but I don't. Mentally knowing it, but not feeling it emotionally. It tears me apart.
I used to dream about so much. I used to be happy ALL the time. That's how people knew me. The girl that was ALWAYS happy. I had best friends. Like, I have friends, but a best friend to me is a friend that you're the first person then want to tell when something funny as shit happens. Or if something horrible happens, you're the person they want to talk to. Someone that you plan with to do something awesome at least once every few weeks. Someone you just love hanging with no matter the day, the time or the length.
Everyone around me has someone like that. Did I miss out? Or am I just meant not to have someone like that. The person who's closest to that doesn't want both role of boyfriend and best friend. Even though that's all he used to want...
I used to create huge landscapes and stories in my mind and play out stories in them while falling asleep. Now, all I can think of is how screwed I am. How useless I must be. And the most imagining I can do, is imagine how bored I'd be sitting in my next class.
Where did I go? What happened to me? Did I do this to myself or is this the way life's supposed to go? Who am I anymore? Why can't I just be me...
Posts
This. Exactly.
ReplyDeleteAbout needing to know people care, about it needing to be shown rather than told. I basically could have written that entire paragraph. I pretty much have, actually, except it was only for one person. I'm secure, really, in the knowledge that the people I know do care about me. Except for him.
I did the best friend and boyfriend rolled into one, and it ended up that he was the only close friend really in my life.
And then I got here. And as you know, things changed. Dramatically. And then I had a best friend who was just a best friend for the first time ever. And it took me 18 years to find her, and I love her to pieces. And you'll find yours too.
You're one of my best friends, Jessi. I love you.
Thanks, Lisa :)
ReplyDeleteI think everyone's the same way, Jessi - mental knowing isn't the same as emotional knowing. It's one thing to be told, but actions speak louder than words. You need to have people there for you when you need it...
ReplyDeleteYou're not alone, Jessi. People are social creatures, after all... we depend on each other for our happiness. "No man is an island."
Sometimes, Aaron, sometimes, you just always know what to say. :)And I really appreciate it.
ReplyDelete