Is It So Bad?

Is it so bad to enjoy the feeling of running? The wind rushing against my skin.
Is it so bad to find little melodies in life? Using buttons, metal things that squeak and other objects to turn an ordinary sound into something of a little beauty.
Is it so bad to want to break stereotypes? Going places people don't usually go together.
Is it so bad to go on walks late at night? See the world when people sleep and just enjoy what people don't see.
Is it so bad to pretend? Be different people from different eras for a few hours and enjoy a life not so stressful as your own.
Is it so bad to want something that's not normal? To be a little weird and feel good that you're not like every other stinkin' person on the planet.

I enjoy the little things in life. Sometimes a little bit more than people want me to. There's so many things that I enjoy doing in life that I usually don't notice or forget that other people think it's weird. That's who I am. I love it and sometimes it bothers people. That small joy that I find doesn't sit well with some people and it makes me feel  like being myself is a bad thing. I try not to let it bother me, but sometimes I can't help it.

My whole life has been spent trying to figure out why I do things, how I do them, what causes me to do them, what causes me to feel certain ways, why I feel certain ways, who I am. That's all my life will be, finding out who I am. It's not something that someone can easily discover on their own. And how can you really find out who you are and what makes you up if everyone keeps telling you what you aren't and what you shouldn't be? Shouldn't you be the one to decide that?

Why can't other people take care to notice the small things. They are everywhere and everyone doesn't seem to care or notice or to even bother to do either of the two previous. Why do people think that it's 'weird' rather than asking why is she doing that? What is causing her to do that? Is there something that I am missing out on? But, weird is out. It's embarrassing and people don't like to be embarrassed, so why should they even bother?

Those things that give me that small ounce of joy give me courage. I've lived such a sheltered life that I never noticed what life REALLY has to offer. I'm starting to see those things now and it means so much, but no one else sees it like I do. The little things don't matter to others and being told that it's not what it means to me, hurts. It tells me that I am wrong. I don't feel like that. I shouldn't feel the way I do. I don't deserve that small bit of joy.

They also give me confidence and self-esteem in myself. I'm far from being a prideful person, but seeing life and things in the way that I do, because I enjoy them, gives me a little bit more confidence and self-esteem, because I believe in myself for once and believing in myself isn't something that happens often at all.

It's inspiration. Seeing things and doing things differently than the typical person gives me a different insight on life. It's a different way of looking at something all the time. And I love it. It means that I can have a wild imagination. I can plan and create things, whether it's cooking or art or other things like that.

Why is this a bad thing?

People don't flat out say, "You're wrong. You suck. Don't do that again." But they do. Not intentionally. They say it with the way they say something, the words they choose, the sounds in their voice. It's disheartening and that's what people sometimes try not to do. They don't want me to do something, but they say they don't mind it in a 'niceish' voice rather than flat out telling me, because they don't want to seem like they're mean and 'that' type of person. Which is exactly what they do to me.

It gets really aggravating, because to me...it feels like they're telling me what not to do.

You Are Wrong...

The world tells you that you are wrong. Your hair isn't the right color. You're too fat. You're stupid. You aren't pretty enough. You aren't as artistic as you were told you were. Your skin is wrong. Your thoughts are wrong. Your style is wrong. Your opinions are wrong. Your beauty is wrong and you've screwed up too many times to worth anything of value. Everything that makes you beautiful and exactly who you are supposed to be, is wrong.

These lies surround us daily. And really, what is there that we can do? When someone is told something over and over and over and that is all they hear, can you really not start to believe it?

I bet that if you asked most women how confident in themselves they are, out in friends, family or even out to coffee. Most women would say they are confident and they believe themselves to be beautiful. But take that woman and at night when she's all alone, ask her the same question. When the day is said and done, and you go to bed and review everything that's happened to you in the past few days, I bet the women that said they were confident, most of them wouldn't say quite the same thing.

When I mean confidence, I don't just mean confidence in who you are. I mean, confidence in your identity. Your looks. Your skills. Your intellect. You as a social being. You as a lover. You as a good woman. Confidence, in being an all around good human.

Society sucks today in that they push you to buy and buy and that's the only way to make you happy. They make you feel horrible about yourself to self to buy a damn cream or a shirt. What's the point?

It reminds me of something Tyler tells me to hopefully make me feel more confident as a photographer. I'll see someone with a really really nice dSLR (a photographer's camera) and they'll have different lenses and flashes and other things I don't quite know what they are. When I see that. I get really upset, because they can take better pictures than me. They are better then me in every unimportant way than I am. But, Tyler'll tell me (paraphrased), "It's not the quality of the camera that makes a good picture. It's the quality of the photographer that makes a good picture."

If you keep that in mind, why do we have to buy crap to make our skin tanner. Or makeup to "enhance the natural beauty." Or clothes that will "slim down out bodies" and make us attractive. Why? What's the point? It's not the stuff that we buy to "enhance" ourselves that makes us beautiful. It's who we are, that makes us beautiful.

For many people, that might be something a little hard to take, because we have become so reliant on products and crap to define who we are. But, we're all beautiful. Sometimes, we just have to be reminded of it.

I know that I need to be reminded all the time. Because I'm not talented in anyway. I'm a horrible friend and an even worse girlfriend. I'm greedy. I'm selfish. I'm far from even being pretty. My skin's too pale. I'm too fat. My hair is never just right. I'm not smart. And I have made too many stupid, irrational and just fucked up mistakes to really be able to be happy.

But sneaking up on me to give me a hug, makes me feel like a good friend. Using one of my pictures as your display pictures makes me feel so talented. Saying you like my hat or my shoes or something small and random, makes me feel like I don't look as bad as thought. It's the little things you never really think about in life that give me that small bit of confidence to get through the day. Though, I'm sure I am not the only one that is like that.

I know that some of you that read my ramblings aren't really going to see it. Or it's something that's never happened to you. But it is something that is all too real for me. I don't need to hear anyone tell me how amazing I am just the way I am, because there's only one person I can ever really believe those words from; and he doesn't read any of this. I don't want someone to try and tell me that what I am saying is wrong and that I should look at things from another point of view, because I am amazing and all that stuff. This is the way, I see the world. But, what I want to know is if I am the only one.

A Conclusion of Sorts

As of late, and by late I mean within the past two months, I decided that I wanted to pursue photography as a potential career path. The idea never would have come to mind if my boyfriend, Tyler, hadn't of mentioned it. See, for those of you that don't know him, he's an independent director. He's done a handful of small projects for people and is on his way to directing a major motion picture. He talks almost constantly about computers, programs, and cameras. With all of the talking he does one would either get annoyed or more and more interested. I went the interested route.

One night we were walking back to his apartment and we were talking away. I have been considering getting a dslr for a few months now, just to see what it would be like. In response, he said, "You know, I always thought it'd be awesome for a director to date a photographer. It'd be good for a work. Hiring two rather than one." Ever since that night, the idea of me becoming a photographer has grown. At first it was because I thought it would be something fun to try out. Then over Christmas, Tyler had said, to cheer me up one night though he did still mean it, that I take better pictures than some photographers with professional equipment. It made me feel awesome about myself and built up some much needed self-confidence. However, I did take what he said seriously, I just didn't realize how true what he had said was.

A day or so ago, I had been looking through listed photographers in Fredericton. I want to see if I can work with a photographer personally to learn a bit more of the trade. However, I looked through about five of the most local listed photographers work (http://www.chantalarseneau.com/Photography_Fredericton/Photography_Portfolio.html , http://www.karencaseyphotography.com/ , http://www.soulmatesphotography.ca/index2.php ) and was quite surprised. A good photo always pops out to me and I feel the emotions that are being portrayed through a photograph. of all the photos I had looked at, there might have only be two or three PHOTOS that were really good to give me those feelings.


It was in that moment that I realized, "Wow, I can do this." I discovered that I do have potential to become rather good at photography. Mind you, my photos (http://www.flickr.com/photos/jessiroy/) are taken with a basic point and shoot digital camera. While the "professional" photographers are all using good cameras and equipment and computer programs. I don't have the same kind of equipment or skill with the programs, but I learn easily. For the first real time in my life, I have confidence in myself that I can actually do something. I have a direction that I want to go in and I know that I can go that way. There's going to be days when I want to quit and give up, but I'll have friends and Tyler, above all, egging me on, because on the days I don't want to belive in myself, everyone else will be.



Self-confidence...my downfall.