An Event that Causes a Turning Point

This past Thursday I was among the many across the country that had been laid off from Future Shop.

Yea, it sucks, but on the plus side, I'm getting paid to be laid off. So now, I have all the time in the world to dedicate to the things that matter: Andy, my family, art and myself. There's so many things that I haven't been able to do because I'd be wanting to do something, but be on my way to work. I'd loose the idea or the desire to do what I had wanted to do. Now, I have time to harness my abilities and make them work for me.

I've had a feeling for the last while that something that was coming. Something was going to happen that I'd have no control over and it would cause a chain of events that change my life. I had been panicking inside for some time, because I had no idea on what to expect or any clue of what was going to happen.

This feels like what I had been waiting for. The day it happened I had been getting shaky with anticipation of having my meeting. I wanted to find out if I would be on the list of people "no longer with us." I worked 5.5 hours until I had my meeting. As I waited, I thought about each side of the coin.

On one hand, it would be great to keep my job. Andy and I might be able to still move into a really nice apartment in a couple months. And I could start making a dent in my debt. On the other hand, I would hopefully get severance pay and not have to work for a little while.

The longer I thought about it, the more I wanted to be laid off. It would create some opportunities for me. I'd have to actually work at making money and be creative about how I do it. Maybe sell some things? It would also be a good opportunity for me to get off my ass and actually work at being a photographer. I could begin to have the kind of life that I've been wanting to have and not have to force myself to go to work.

Overall, I'm actually really excited about this opportunity. My feeling had me worried and panicked, because I thought that it would be something bad; one more worry and stress to stack on to the pile that I've been trying to shovel away for the last couple of years. One more thing to make just over the line of hard to live. Instead, I get my life handed to me on a silver platter.

When a gift comes your way, accept it and run full steam ahead, gift in hand and fire burning in your heart. Because when life gives you something like this, you have to make your life worth it. Make it worth it for you. Make it something that when you wake up each day you grin so big your heart beams with happiness. Make it something that when your head hits the pillow you pass out, because you were exhausted from spending the whole day living your life to fullest.

This little bit of freedom is my gift from life. Now it's my turn to really live it.

I Built and Now I Break

I've been reading some of my older posts. I feel like I used to be far freer with my words than I am now. I'm so self protected and so well hidden that not just anything slips out. I used to let my thoughts run wild and free and escape on to the page for myself and others to see.

Now, I can't.
The guards don't let anything get out.
Hidden and secret behind the walls.
Nothing can hurt me here.

Can it?

I watched a guard come in to keep tabs on security.
The brief moment I saw past him out to the world beyond.
Has the world changed?
Is it safe?

With the thought implanted, there was no changing course.
I told the guards a long time ago to keep me safe.
They won't go so easily.
The revolution has begun.

A war that I started fighting with myself for my own freedom.
The power to let my wounds fully heal,
If the world is as I believe it to be.
Or I'll accept the consequences if it's not.

But I don't care.
I want out.
I need to be out.
Safety isn't living, it's surviving.

The time is now.
I'm bringing the fight to myself.
I will not back down.
I will become evermore free everyday going forward.

But I will not be fighting alone.
It took some time, but I have someone on the inside that's fighting for me too.
He's disguised as a guard.
With his help, there's no chance of me failing.

I will win this war.
I will be free.
I will own my life.
I will be me.

Long Time No Talk

It has been a long time since I last wrote. I feel the urge to start again. Not sure why. Practically no one reads here anymore, but I'll give it a shot.

So what's new with me?

Well, I'm at an art school. I love it. Truly, it is fantastic. Wonderful people. Neat classes.

What sucks in my life right now. Need a new camera. Shitty shifts at work. Can't afford heat for the winter in the apartment. Tyler isn't here.

No, we didn't break up. He's just not in Freddi with me this year. And to be honest, it's probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I became accustomed to him always being with me. Always there when I needed him. Always there to talk with. But I can't get any of that.  I see him, on average every two to three weeks. It's really expensive to call each other on cell phones. And he doesn't have a headset/microphone to Skype with. So that cuts out talking to him and him being there when I need him all in one.

I empathize with anyone in a long distance relationship. However, I pity those of you who are and aren't taking it as a learning experience. For example, Tyler and I won't always be together. Something might happen and we break up. Or we end up getting married or something and we end up having to work in different provinces for a while or something. We have to be accustomed to not being able to have the other around for everything we need them for.

At the same time however, it's amazing how much stronger we've grown as a couple, because through this long distance, limited hanging out time and limited talking time, we've both come to realize just how much we appreciate the other. You begin to really take note of all the little things that person does for you that you never noticed before. You realize how much you miss talking to them about your cat even. I could go on for hours of all the different things you learn in being apart. But if you can't learn anything from distance, then what's the point.

No matter what the situation is, you have to find something positive about it. SOMETHING to make whatever it is you're doing worthwhile. The only reason I somewhat like being away from Tyler is because it makes me want to be with him that much more. (That is disregarding the whole fact that I'm in school and he's working and I would so much rather him work here than at home.. But I don't have the power to change that.)

That's part of my new thing. Optimism. I mean, I feel like I was usually pretty optimistic before. But now, I just want to find good in everything around.