I Built and Now I Break

I've been reading some of my older posts. I feel like I used to be far freer with my words than I am now. I'm so self protected and so well hidden that not just anything slips out. I used to let my thoughts run wild and free and escape on to the page for myself and others to see.

Now, I can't.
The guards don't let anything get out.
Hidden and secret behind the walls.
Nothing can hurt me here.

Can it?

I watched a guard come in to keep tabs on security.
The brief moment I saw past him out to the world beyond.
Has the world changed?
Is it safe?

With the thought implanted, there was no changing course.
I told the guards a long time ago to keep me safe.
They won't go so easily.
The revolution has begun.

A war that I started fighting with myself for my own freedom.
The power to let my wounds fully heal,
If the world is as I believe it to be.
Or I'll accept the consequences if it's not.

But I don't care.
I want out.
I need to be out.
Safety isn't living, it's surviving.

The time is now.
I'm bringing the fight to myself.
I will not back down.
I will become evermore free everyday going forward.

But I will not be fighting alone.
It took some time, but I have someone on the inside that's fighting for me too.
He's disguised as a guard.
With his help, there's no chance of me failing.

I will win this war.
I will be free.
I will own my life.
I will be me.

Words Written, A Quick Summary of Time Gone Past

Time has come and time has passed.
I feel like forwards steps are what I should have done.
Instead, I fell backwards unable to catch my fall.
I fell so far and so fast that I didn't even realize what was going on.
Until I hit the bottom.

I sat up and my first instinct was panic.
I was in territory uncharted in my never been lost before mind.
Thoughts swirled and raced and never stayed in the same place for too long.
Where was I? What happened?
I kept asking myself the questions everyone does in any moment ever they have time to think about.

It wasn't until I had begun crying that I realized something was off.
Where I was sitting, didn't feel as I expected rock bottom to feel.
There was something warm and inviting down here.
I looked around, only darkness.
When the ground began to shake from under me did I realize what happened.

When I fell, I did hit the lowest of lows beyond what I thought was imaginable.
The darkness of the world around me did consume me.
I couldn't believe that life would throw me down harder and farther than I already was.
I fell flat on my face, only to feel reassuring hands pick me up.
I wasn't alone.

Luck. Chance. Coincidence. Fate.
Whatever you choose to call it, it was real.
When I fell, I landed right on top of someone who had already been down there.
He knew the pain of being trapped in the never ending darkness.
He brought me to my feet and taught me how to stand again.

Once the never ending task of standing finally came to a joyful conclusion,
The horror of learning how to walk began.
After he helped me with that, the only task left before me was to climb.
Higher, beyond my never-ending imagination was my destination.
Not wanting to go alone, I took his hand.

He'd been down there so long that his imagination had been consumed by the dark.
Believing that hope was nothing more than a word of wasted breath.
I didn't give him a choice.
I reached into the darkness and fought it for a rope.
Tying it around his waist and then mine,

I told him, "You're coming up with me, even if I have to pull you."

The Past Revisited

Well, it's been a dreadful twenty-four hours. Most of the details can't be revealed, but let's just say a part of my past was revisited this weekend, and a part, that I still can't believe was a decision I actually made.

So, let me demonstrate:

There are three people involved. A. B. and C.
Persons A and B are dating.
One night, person A breaks up with person B to go out with person C.
Guess which role I played.
That's right, I was person A.

There are those of you that know what happened, but for those of you that don't, a quick sum up:

Tyler (my current boyfriend) and I dated about two and a half years ago. One thing led to another and I broke up with him and then ended up going out with a new guy for a few days right after. Even though it's as simple as two sentences, it is still something that haunts me. It doesn't go away, no matter how hard I have tried to let it go, or forget about it or bury so far in my memories that it doesn't want to resurface... but no matter what I do, it always comes back to haunt me.

Then, I hurt someone and I did feel really bad about it (even if he doesn't believe me when I say that.) I regret ending things the way I did. It's the regret I hold above all of the regrets I have. Yes, I do have some, not many, but there's some.

Today, I feel worse about it now than I did then, because there's no forgiveness for me for it. And now that it has happened to someone else... well, I feel even worse, because I didn't see the signs that it would happen. I wish I could have done something to make it better, but I know there wasn't anything I could have done. Yet, lower I seem to sink into a desperate pit of suffering because of a stupid, girly, teenage mistake that I made.

Why he ever wanted me back between then and now, I'll never understand. Why he wanted things to start again this time, I don't know. Why he loves me, are reasons that I can't believe. But they are all the reasons that I love him. There's reason upon reason upon reason as to why I love him. The reasons he gives to me are too good to be true. Yet, I hurt him so much. Why?

I don't deserve him... because he can do better.