Willing Past the Despair

Life is an interesting thing. You don't always see the direction you're going in or it makes you believe you're going in a completely opposite way than you think.

I don't think this post week be long, it's just mostly my thought on something. Well, a thought on how I've been feeling lately.

The past couple of years have been hard on me. Everyone determines what is hard based on their life experiences and for me, it's done of the hardest things I've had to go through with the toughest lessons I've had to learn.

I feel so empty...

But saying that makes me sad when I don't really think about it, because it's new not being myself. It's a negative outlook on a state of being: the cup half empty. I'm a naturally positive and very optimistic person. It's a trait I really enjoy possessing. Lately, it's been hard to find the positive side and move beyond the obstacles that I have been facing.

I should look at myself and say, "I'm so empty inside, but look at all this room I get to fill."

Humans don't like to feel empty, and I believe that people should have the opportunity to choose what to fill themselves up with. (Though not everyone who has this opportunity chooses wisely...)

I've spent a long time now depriving myself from experiences, information, memories, adventures. I should feel empty. I decided (pretty sure I really heavily subconsciously decided on this, because it took me awhile to figure out) that I needed to erase what was, because I needed to create something better.

I have to look at this empty feeling as a blessing. I have the beautiful opportunity to recreate myself to be the person I am inside. To shine light on all that I've kept hidden from myself.

This is a glass half full. Willing itself to life.

And that's exactly what I need to do.

Believe it.
Accept it.
Adopt it.

Get ready self! I'm fucking coming for you.

When Life Brings You Down, You Feel Like You're Stuck

It's been a little more than a month since I moved out of the Cross and away from my dearest of friends. It feels like so much has happened, when really it has been so little. Anyway, so I'm gonna try and start blogging again. I enjoy it and it helps me get things out.

Does there come a time in your life when you REALLY want to do something, but when you go to start it you freeze. Something doesn't allow you to pass on. A fear of sorts. A fear that you will do it wrong. And everything you thought it would be would disappear and it would become a disaster.

I hate that feeling. It's pulling me down right now. The more I think about what I want to do, the more I feel to know that it won't happen. I won't get joy out of doing it. I really want to do it, but I can't. And the more I feel like I can't do it, the more that I want to. It sucks.

I wish that I didn't have such little confidence in myself. I don't really know where it all went, because I used to have so much of it. I was confident about friends, relationships, hobbies, but somehow now I'm not good at anything. At least, I don't feel like I am. Except maybe photography. Even still I'm not that good. I feel like everyone I hold dear (other than my family) is going to leave me, or I'm going to drive them away. It makes it so hard to believe someone when the compliment me, because I don't have the confidence in myself to believe them.

I really wish I did though. I just don't know how to get that confidence...

I Used To Dream

I want to stop feeling like I'm the one that fucked something up whenever I tell someone what's bugging me. 'Cause the more this happens, the more pissed off I get, then, the next time, the angrier I say it. Why fucking why. Why can't I be like I was. I took shit and let it roll off. Now everything seems to bring me down more and more and I can't take it. It's ruining me. I used to hold things inside and eventually got over them without speaking a word. But I can't keep anything in anymore and it gets worse.

I know the few of you who read this will oppose what I'm gonna say next, but..anyway.

Other than my parents, I feel like no one gives a damn about me. At least, no one shows it. Fuck, I know people care about me, but I've got that personality that I have to see it happen. Like, texting me asking what's up. Or asking about going to supper or something even on campus. To know someone wants to hang out with me, means you care enough about me that you wanted to spend even half an hour with me and I didn't ask you for it.

EFFF

I hate this feeling of, I know you care, but I don't, but I do, but I don't. Mentally knowing it, but not feeling it emotionally. It tears me apart.


I used to dream about so much. I used to be happy ALL the time. That's how people knew me. The girl that was ALWAYS happy. I had best friends. Like, I have friends, but a best friend to me is a friend that you're the first person then want to tell when something funny as shit happens. Or if something horrible happens, you're the person they want to talk to. Someone that you plan with to do something awesome at least once every few weeks. Someone you just love hanging with no matter the day, the time or the length.

Everyone around me has someone like that. Did I miss out? Or am I just meant not to have someone like that.  The person who's closest to that doesn't want both role of boyfriend and best friend. Even though that's all he used to want...

I used to create huge landscapes and stories in my mind and play out stories in them while falling asleep. Now, all I can think of is how screwed I am. How useless I must be. And the most imagining I can do, is imagine how bored I'd be sitting in my next class.

Where did I go? What happened to me? Did I do this to myself or is this the way life's supposed to go? Who am I anymore? Why can't I just be me...

Water Wing War

It's late. As usual when I end up writing now a days. I can't help it. It makes me feel better. Which I am. I am better than I was this winter, even if I never showed it. I hate showing the fact that I am weak, scared, upset, angry, insecure, unprepared, defenseless and powerless. Everything in life right now seems to be passing me by at lightning speed. I can't seem to catch up and keep up. I always fall behind.

The truth is, I have always been like that. We moved a lot and I was always so shy. I never had a lot of friends. I never knew what to do, how to act, I just guessed, jealous of the people who made life look so easy and full. I was never popular and I never really wanted to be, but I wanted to be someone. Someone who's got a name for themselves and you can ask any kid in school who they are. Everyone knows those kids. They are confident, strong, optimistic, and everything that I was not.

[But then, here is where I have to make a decision. I was going to say how this summer I'm changing, but I think I'll save that for after this part. It surprised me when I thought about it and it's really starting to make me look at myself. Sorry the misstep rambling.]

Somehow, by some fluke, something changed. By some desire and fate, I found myself dating one of those people I just described. He's got a name for himself back home and people like him. I feel like I don't deserve him and that he should be with someone like himself. But this gets me thinking... maybe he is with her and she just doesn't realize it yet.

This summer, I'm changing. I'm fed up with being weak. I feel stupid for having to admit to myself that I need confidence. I need to feel like I belong with people. That I can be liked by people. And I want to make a name for myself. Even if it's only 'the girl who's always got her camera.' It's something and it's a start for me. A start that I want to happen now. It can't even start until I go back home from university at the end of April. I've got a month of trying to overcome my difficulties before I have no choice and force everything to come back together. To take the idea from a friend, I feel like I'm that little kid who still can't go swimming without her water wings. This summer, I want to swim free.

Waiting for that time to come that I so desperately desire, makes me irritable. I'm ancy. I can't control my emotions and they frequently get the better of me. The anticipation is starting to get the better of me and the fight to keep control is so difficult that I always lose the battles. But I'm still in the game, and I want to win the war.

What Happens When Time Runs Out?

Days seem to be getting harder and more stressful as the semester is coming to an end. I am not a person that handles stress very well and I tend to overreact. Overreacting makes me even more stressed out which then leads into this simple cycle of "let's stress her out and push her to tears more and more often!" It's vicious and I feel nearly powerless to it. The easiest way for me to break out of the stress cycle is for the stress to go away. That is something that won't happen until April 14th. The day where I don't have to go to class anymore. I'll still have two exams, but that's nothing and I kinda like taking exams now and then.

One problem with being stressed out is that I end up taking it out on myself and on people that I care about. I feel like I cling too much to my friends and spend more time with them rather than doing the work that's stressing me out which I can't do when I'm stressed out. Sometimes I say things that I don't mean or things that are so insignificant that talking about it makes it a big deal, when in reality, it's not. I tend to take things out on Tyler, a lot. And I don't mean to. I honestly don't. But I do. He's the only person I feel comfortable talking about this stuff with. He's the person I care most about in the world. And when I feel like I don't deserve him, everything in my mind makes me wrong in every way possible.  I guess maybe I do it to try and counteract how crappy I feel. I know that's wrong and I shouldn't do it, but it's something so hard to do, because I can't take being wrong very well.

I know that it's something that I have to work on, but it's something that takes time to get better. It just feels like all my time is running away from me faster and faster. Soon, it seems like it'll just be me and myself with no one in the world to care about.

You Get That Feeling, Right?

Say normally on a fine Tuesday night, there are weekly plans a best friend of yours has with their other group of friends. You're fine with not going, because it's planned and you know every week you can't see that person on that day. However, say you're having a really good day and you are told that those plans are cancelled and you are free to go over. Do you jump at the chance? Yea! I would.

However, ever cancelled your previous plans to go see that person to only find out shortly after arriving that those plans are back on?

It sucks hardcore, doesn't it?


Well, that JUST happened to me and it is one of the things that I hate more anything. Not really that I get upset at people all the time, but I hate having my hopes get pushed up only to be crumpled farther than they were initially at. So, now that I have nothing to do on a Wednesday night when I changed my original plans to hanging out with someone to then find out I couldn't really be with them, I'm now stuck doing not much of anything, because it's almost ten and there's nothing that I want to do now.

I'm in such a pissy mood now and it sucks and I might have a kinda crappy day tomorrow, just because things like this really really bother me. There's nothing that I can do to fix it either. Trust me, I've tried.

Sooo, this is going no where fast so I'm gonna go take a picture to add here and then attempt to find something to do.

The Past Revisited

Well, it's been a dreadful twenty-four hours. Most of the details can't be revealed, but let's just say a part of my past was revisited this weekend, and a part, that I still can't believe was a decision I actually made.

So, let me demonstrate:

There are three people involved. A. B. and C.
Persons A and B are dating.
One night, person A breaks up with person B to go out with person C.
Guess which role I played.
That's right, I was person A.

There are those of you that know what happened, but for those of you that don't, a quick sum up:

Tyler (my current boyfriend) and I dated about two and a half years ago. One thing led to another and I broke up with him and then ended up going out with a new guy for a few days right after. Even though it's as simple as two sentences, it is still something that haunts me. It doesn't go away, no matter how hard I have tried to let it go, or forget about it or bury so far in my memories that it doesn't want to resurface... but no matter what I do, it always comes back to haunt me.

Then, I hurt someone and I did feel really bad about it (even if he doesn't believe me when I say that.) I regret ending things the way I did. It's the regret I hold above all of the regrets I have. Yes, I do have some, not many, but there's some.

Today, I feel worse about it now than I did then, because there's no forgiveness for me for it. And now that it has happened to someone else... well, I feel even worse, because I didn't see the signs that it would happen. I wish I could have done something to make it better, but I know there wasn't anything I could have done. Yet, lower I seem to sink into a desperate pit of suffering because of a stupid, girly, teenage mistake that I made.

Why he ever wanted me back between then and now, I'll never understand. Why he wanted things to start again this time, I don't know. Why he loves me, are reasons that I can't believe. But they are all the reasons that I love him. There's reason upon reason upon reason as to why I love him. The reasons he gives to me are too good to be true. Yet, I hurt him so much. Why?

I don't deserve him... because he can do better.

Ponderings

There comes a time in a person's life where the need to write, the need to express and the need to show comoes to play. Thoughts run through your mind and yet you find yourself stuck with the feeling of no words. Nothing dares to come to your lips or your finger tips.

A song.

Two songs.

Songs hold the key. There is beauty in music because it gives words to those who cannot speak. Or, those like myself at this time, who find themselves at a lack of words.



"Another Heart Calls"
All-American Rejects

"How In The World"
Family Force 5

"Ain't No Reason"
Brett Dennen

"White Houses"
Vanessa Carlton

"Keep Holding On"
Avril Lavigne

"Whiskey Lullaby"
Brad Paisley



Each song a different meaning and yet I feel like all of them. Can it really be true?

Thoughts.
Phrases.

Words.
Emotions.

Everything runs so fast I catch it as a whisper in my ear. I want to grab a hold of them and hold tight. I want to capture the meaning to put it to words.

And yet....


They escape me...

Winter-Time Depression On The Radio

Either this is just me, or some crazy thing that I've been thinking about for some time now. Which, either way makes it just me.

For most people that I know that live 'round here. They HATE the winter. Some because they think that it is too cold. Some because they hate the snow. Some because the snow days cancel school [yes, I did dare say that =P .] And some because they become really depressed that time of the year.

But why depression? It's just another season. Another time of the year. Heck, there's even Christmas in the winter. What could be so bad about it? For some people, yes there is really good reasons involving medical. So, let's talk about the others. The one's that aren't medical and most of their depression is in their heads.

"OMG! This guy that I've liked for so long likes this other girl who's going out with this one guy that's cheating on her. So, I think she's gonna find out soon and she's gonna break up with him and then she's gonna start liking the guy that I like and I'll loose everything."

-"But he doesn't even like you..."

"That doesn't matter. I'm not going to be able to like him when they go out. And you're missing the point!"

-"Uh... No, I get the point. But um..."

"OMG! I'm going to loose him and nothing will ever be the same again!!"

This situation has totally happened before. People will do pretty much make things up to be able to be depressed. Personally, it's stupid, but it happens.

So, "made-up-in-the-head" depression can have a few reasons behind it: guys, girls, friends, not getting what you want, and music. Yes, good 'ole music. But I'll talk 'bout that one in a sec.... I think. Anyway, one question that floats around in my mind is, "Who the heck actually wants to pretend they're depressed?" Well, I've been there, as unfortunate as it is. It's a way to get attention. Friends will feel bad for you for what ever reason you've told them. You're family will start to worry with a completely "different you" and dropping grades. [It's shocking I know, you're family actually CARES about you!]

Now why would someone do all of that just for attention when they could just work hard in school or around their house or community and get positive attention that way? Simple, it's e-a-s-i-e-r! Bingo. Our society is l-a-z-y. Which is all influenced by the m-e-d-i-a! I don't really watch tv or read popular magazines and such, but I do listen to the radio. Now, you can call me crazy for saying this [wouldn't be the first time for me] but I think that this "made-up-in-the-head" depression is in part influenced by music. Either it's just me, but I think that in the winter there is more down and depressing music. Especially on the radio, and the music mostly there is influenced by what people want to hear. So, if a few people are depressed, obviously they don't want to listen to something cheerful and giddy, so the down and depressing music gets onto the radio. Soon, more people listen to it and think, this stuff is so true. So and so broke up with me. What's'er name isn't friends with me because I spilled a coke on her at lunch today. My parents are working later hours, "because they don't like us." And voila! Depression!!

People like attention. But there's got to be better ways.