Does there come a time in your life when you REALLY want to do something, but when you go to start it you freeze. Something doesn't allow you to pass on. A fear of sorts. A fear that you will do it wrong. And everything you thought it would be would disappear and it would become a disaster.
I hate that feeling. It's pulling me down right now. The more I think about what I want to do, the more I feel to know that it won't happen. I won't get joy out of doing it. I really want to do it, but I can't. And the more I feel like I can't do it, the more that I want to. It sucks.
I wish that I didn't have such little confidence in myself. I don't really know where it all went, because I used to have so much of it. I was confident about friends, relationships, hobbies, but somehow now I'm not good at anything. At least, I don't feel like I am. Except maybe photography. Even still I'm not that good. I feel like everyone I hold dear (other than my family) is going to leave me, or I'm going to drive them away. It makes it so hard to believe someone when the compliment me, because I don't have the confidence in myself to believe them.
I really wish I did though. I just don't know how to get that confidence...
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I know what you mean, Jessi. Being one who wants to become a professor, one of the top in a field, work in a publishing house, or actually put out poetry... the expectations are incredibly high. And when one of my classmates who is of similar bar is dissuaded from grad school because it's "too cutthroat," what are the chances of me going through?
ReplyDeleteBut, I know what I have to do to get better, to get confidence. It's a mixture of will, forcing you to believe in yourself, and hard work - no one ever excelled without working at it. Practice, study, see other's works, and generally just do what you want to get better at it until you are. And even then, there's no such thing as perfect confidence - everyone has their crisis'.
You're right, though - before anyone tells you they believe in you, you have to believe in yourself, that you can do whatever you want to, and damn the consequences. Or at least, make sure you have a safety net or something to help you out if it doesn't work perfectly.
But sometimes, even if you might rationally think that there's no way you can this - the thing is, you're probably right. As you are now, you might struggle a little - but that doesn't account for growth, and by the time you get to where you have to be, you'll have learned so much.
In two years of english, my abilities have probably, no word of a lie, doubled at least. I still have six more to go... and sure, it's tough to picture that far ahead... but you never stop learning.
:) So have faith in yourself, and have faith in your future, Jessi. It'll turn out alright.
And besides, I believe in you. =)
Oh Aaron,
ReplyDeleteIt rocks having you read my blog. You give such useful advice and so grammatically correct at that ( :P )!
Thanks. I really mean thanks. That was probably the most useful thing anyone has said to me in months. And I too, mean that literally. You're right (as usual) in that I have to believe in myself before I can expect anyone else to. Along with grinning and baring it, no matter what it will end up being in the long run. Those two things are probably going to be some of the hardest lessons to learn and remember. The learning part is easy, however, it is the retention of that knowledge that will prove to be VERY difficult. As, I have a BAD tendency to over-react in stupid situations and forget everything that keeps me the calm and good-natured person everyone loves me for.
So, thank you Aaron. That really meant a lot to me.