Willing Past the Despair

Life is an interesting thing. You don't always see the direction you're going in or it makes you believe you're going in a completely opposite way than you think.

I don't think this post week be long, it's just mostly my thought on something. Well, a thought on how I've been feeling lately.

The past couple of years have been hard on me. Everyone determines what is hard based on their life experiences and for me, it's done of the hardest things I've had to go through with the toughest lessons I've had to learn.

I feel so empty...

But saying that makes me sad when I don't really think about it, because it's new not being myself. It's a negative outlook on a state of being: the cup half empty. I'm a naturally positive and very optimistic person. It's a trait I really enjoy possessing. Lately, it's been hard to find the positive side and move beyond the obstacles that I have been facing.

I should look at myself and say, "I'm so empty inside, but look at all this room I get to fill."

Humans don't like to feel empty, and I believe that people should have the opportunity to choose what to fill themselves up with. (Though not everyone who has this opportunity chooses wisely...)

I've spent a long time now depriving myself from experiences, information, memories, adventures. I should feel empty. I decided (pretty sure I really heavily subconsciously decided on this, because it took me awhile to figure out) that I needed to erase what was, because I needed to create something better.

I have to look at this empty feeling as a blessing. I have the beautiful opportunity to recreate myself to be the person I am inside. To shine light on all that I've kept hidden from myself.

This is a glass half full. Willing itself to life.

And that's exactly what I need to do.

Believe it.
Accept it.
Adopt it.

Get ready self! I'm fucking coming for you.

An Event that Causes a Turning Point

This past Thursday I was among the many across the country that had been laid off from Future Shop.

Yea, it sucks, but on the plus side, I'm getting paid to be laid off. So now, I have all the time in the world to dedicate to the things that matter: Andy, my family, art and myself. There's so many things that I haven't been able to do because I'd be wanting to do something, but be on my way to work. I'd loose the idea or the desire to do what I had wanted to do. Now, I have time to harness my abilities and make them work for me.

I've had a feeling for the last while that something that was coming. Something was going to happen that I'd have no control over and it would cause a chain of events that change my life. I had been panicking inside for some time, because I had no idea on what to expect or any clue of what was going to happen.

This feels like what I had been waiting for. The day it happened I had been getting shaky with anticipation of having my meeting. I wanted to find out if I would be on the list of people "no longer with us." I worked 5.5 hours until I had my meeting. As I waited, I thought about each side of the coin.

On one hand, it would be great to keep my job. Andy and I might be able to still move into a really nice apartment in a couple months. And I could start making a dent in my debt. On the other hand, I would hopefully get severance pay and not have to work for a little while.

The longer I thought about it, the more I wanted to be laid off. It would create some opportunities for me. I'd have to actually work at making money and be creative about how I do it. Maybe sell some things? It would also be a good opportunity for me to get off my ass and actually work at being a photographer. I could begin to have the kind of life that I've been wanting to have and not have to force myself to go to work.

Overall, I'm actually really excited about this opportunity. My feeling had me worried and panicked, because I thought that it would be something bad; one more worry and stress to stack on to the pile that I've been trying to shovel away for the last couple of years. One more thing to make just over the line of hard to live. Instead, I get my life handed to me on a silver platter.

When a gift comes your way, accept it and run full steam ahead, gift in hand and fire burning in your heart. Because when life gives you something like this, you have to make your life worth it. Make it worth it for you. Make it something that when you wake up each day you grin so big your heart beams with happiness. Make it something that when your head hits the pillow you pass out, because you were exhausted from spending the whole day living your life to fullest.

This little bit of freedom is my gift from life. Now it's my turn to really live it.

I Built and Now I Break

I've been reading some of my older posts. I feel like I used to be far freer with my words than I am now. I'm so self protected and so well hidden that not just anything slips out. I used to let my thoughts run wild and free and escape on to the page for myself and others to see.

Now, I can't.
The guards don't let anything get out.
Hidden and secret behind the walls.
Nothing can hurt me here.

Can it?

I watched a guard come in to keep tabs on security.
The brief moment I saw past him out to the world beyond.
Has the world changed?
Is it safe?

With the thought implanted, there was no changing course.
I told the guards a long time ago to keep me safe.
They won't go so easily.
The revolution has begun.

A war that I started fighting with myself for my own freedom.
The power to let my wounds fully heal,
If the world is as I believe it to be.
Or I'll accept the consequences if it's not.

But I don't care.
I want out.
I need to be out.
Safety isn't living, it's surviving.

The time is now.
I'm bringing the fight to myself.
I will not back down.
I will become evermore free everyday going forward.

But I will not be fighting alone.
It took some time, but I have someone on the inside that's fighting for me too.
He's disguised as a guard.
With his help, there's no chance of me failing.

I will win this war.
I will be free.
I will own my life.
I will be me.

Words Written, A Quick Summary of Time Gone Past

Time has come and time has passed.
I feel like forwards steps are what I should have done.
Instead, I fell backwards unable to catch my fall.
I fell so far and so fast that I didn't even realize what was going on.
Until I hit the bottom.

I sat up and my first instinct was panic.
I was in territory uncharted in my never been lost before mind.
Thoughts swirled and raced and never stayed in the same place for too long.
Where was I? What happened?
I kept asking myself the questions everyone does in any moment ever they have time to think about.

It wasn't until I had begun crying that I realized something was off.
Where I was sitting, didn't feel as I expected rock bottom to feel.
There was something warm and inviting down here.
I looked around, only darkness.
When the ground began to shake from under me did I realize what happened.

When I fell, I did hit the lowest of lows beyond what I thought was imaginable.
The darkness of the world around me did consume me.
I couldn't believe that life would throw me down harder and farther than I already was.
I fell flat on my face, only to feel reassuring hands pick me up.
I wasn't alone.

Luck. Chance. Coincidence. Fate.
Whatever you choose to call it, it was real.
When I fell, I landed right on top of someone who had already been down there.
He knew the pain of being trapped in the never ending darkness.
He brought me to my feet and taught me how to stand again.

Once the never ending task of standing finally came to a joyful conclusion,
The horror of learning how to walk began.
After he helped me with that, the only task left before me was to climb.
Higher, beyond my never-ending imagination was my destination.
Not wanting to go alone, I took his hand.

He'd been down there so long that his imagination had been consumed by the dark.
Believing that hope was nothing more than a word of wasted breath.
I didn't give him a choice.
I reached into the darkness and fought it for a rope.
Tying it around his waist and then mine,

I told him, "You're coming up with me, even if I have to pull you."

How I Live Now

You can ask me what the meaning of life is and to be honest, I don't know. But isn't that the joy of it? Exploring and finding things out? What's the point in spending your whole life to doing one specific thing? Answering one specific question? Can't you just find out as it goes along? Is the entirety of your world going to collapse if an assignment doesn't get handed in? NO! It won't! 

The way that I see it. Things happen. I think maybe the point to life is to just go through with it. Live life. As if there won't be a tomorrow. Literally. Love like you've never loved. Be a friend as if everyone was your bestie. Learn, because it's something new. Do nothing you'll regret, and if you do, accept. Nothing will ever change the past (at least until they invent time machines and the whole world will be fucked up). And find something to enjoy about every day. Even if it's small and really doesn't make you feel all that much better. 

But more importantly. Be optimistic. Something good will come of whatever you do. You just have to find it. Even if it is somewhat far fetched. It WILL make things a little bit lighter on your shoulders. Even if you hate it at first. Something good can come of it. 

That's how I've been trying to live life. And it's slowly working out for me. 

Long Time No Talk

It has been a long time since I last wrote. I feel the urge to start again. Not sure why. Practically no one reads here anymore, but I'll give it a shot.

So what's new with me?

Well, I'm at an art school. I love it. Truly, it is fantastic. Wonderful people. Neat classes.

What sucks in my life right now. Need a new camera. Shitty shifts at work. Can't afford heat for the winter in the apartment. Tyler isn't here.

No, we didn't break up. He's just not in Freddi with me this year. And to be honest, it's probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I became accustomed to him always being with me. Always there when I needed him. Always there to talk with. But I can't get any of that.  I see him, on average every two to three weeks. It's really expensive to call each other on cell phones. And he doesn't have a headset/microphone to Skype with. So that cuts out talking to him and him being there when I need him all in one.

I empathize with anyone in a long distance relationship. However, I pity those of you who are and aren't taking it as a learning experience. For example, Tyler and I won't always be together. Something might happen and we break up. Or we end up getting married or something and we end up having to work in different provinces for a while or something. We have to be accustomed to not being able to have the other around for everything we need them for.

At the same time however, it's amazing how much stronger we've grown as a couple, because through this long distance, limited hanging out time and limited talking time, we've both come to realize just how much we appreciate the other. You begin to really take note of all the little things that person does for you that you never noticed before. You realize how much you miss talking to them about your cat even. I could go on for hours of all the different things you learn in being apart. But if you can't learn anything from distance, then what's the point.

No matter what the situation is, you have to find something positive about it. SOMETHING to make whatever it is you're doing worthwhile. The only reason I somewhat like being away from Tyler is because it makes me want to be with him that much more. (That is disregarding the whole fact that I'm in school and he's working and I would so much rather him work here than at home.. But I don't have the power to change that.)

That's part of my new thing. Optimism. I mean, I feel like I was usually pretty optimistic before. But now, I just want to find good in everything around.

When Life Brings You Down, You Feel Like You're Stuck

It's been a little more than a month since I moved out of the Cross and away from my dearest of friends. It feels like so much has happened, when really it has been so little. Anyway, so I'm gonna try and start blogging again. I enjoy it and it helps me get things out.

Does there come a time in your life when you REALLY want to do something, but when you go to start it you freeze. Something doesn't allow you to pass on. A fear of sorts. A fear that you will do it wrong. And everything you thought it would be would disappear and it would become a disaster.

I hate that feeling. It's pulling me down right now. The more I think about what I want to do, the more I feel to know that it won't happen. I won't get joy out of doing it. I really want to do it, but I can't. And the more I feel like I can't do it, the more that I want to. It sucks.

I wish that I didn't have such little confidence in myself. I don't really know where it all went, because I used to have so much of it. I was confident about friends, relationships, hobbies, but somehow now I'm not good at anything. At least, I don't feel like I am. Except maybe photography. Even still I'm not that good. I feel like everyone I hold dear (other than my family) is going to leave me, or I'm going to drive them away. It makes it so hard to believe someone when the compliment me, because I don't have the confidence in myself to believe them.

I really wish I did though. I just don't know how to get that confidence...

My Only Year At HCH

For now, I will only ever spend one year in university. That might change as I get older, but this was my only year in residence. Oh Holy Cross, you have shown me so much and I have so much thanks. I never thought my year here would be as amazing as it was. After you have lived here for a few months, there are a few things that happen to everyone else.

-You know the sound of people's footsteps in the hall and can identify them.
-You know what everyone's towels look like from the shower.
-You know whos laundry you're folding when you want to use a dryer.
-You will procrastinate. No matter how hard you try not to, procrastination will always hit you.
-The Olympics never fails to bring everyone together.
-Even if it's three in the morning and you could swear you're the last one awake in your hall, you hear the bathroom door open and know you're not alone.
-No matter what time of the night, there will always be someone that you can talk to if you really need them.
-Inside jokes lurk around every corner and they are waiting for you.
-If you have hundreds of dollars left on your meal card by the end of the year, you're someone's new best friend forever.
-If you can find a show online for someone, they will love the most you until the next person helps them out.
-There's always a tv show that someone wants to watch with you.
-If you don't have a text book for a class, someone in your hall will.
-Looking for a shirt to go out tonight? Someone in your hall has one to spare!
-You'll eventually learn the sleeping patterns of at least half the people in your hall.
-If you have a tv, everyone's in your room at some point.
-But if you have an N64, you can't get them to leave.
-There will always be more than one person in your hall that you want to steal music from.
-If you desperately need to print something off, someone in your hall will print it off for you.
-Cars? You don't really need one of those. There's two perfectly good feet and a bus pass for you to use.
-Stickertag will be the sketchiest part of the whole year.
-It will make and potentially break friendships.
-But you know who your friends are when you make an alliance and those in your hall bring you supper rather than let you run down to the caf completely exposed.
-In HCH, you will always make friends to last. Friends that are more than just school friends you see in class. Friends that you eagerly wait the week at home to be able to see them on the weekends. Friends that also get mad at you, because you aren't old enough to go to the bars yet, but they wait until your birthday.

This year has meant so much to me and has taught me so much that I feel like I will never be able to repay the Cross for all that it has done for me. I thank everyone who's helped me in one way or another and all of the friends I can't wait to see after school's over.

NEW:

Just to make this post even better, when you live in the Cross you:
-You know where everyone in your hall sleeps.
-You know what side of the room their bed is on.
-You know which desk they study on.
-You know what kind of computer they have.
-You know where they go to the bathroom.
-You know where they shower.
-You know which shower stall they prefer.
-You know what color towels they use.
-And to add to this creepiness, you know what kind of underwear that they wear...

Is It So Bad?

Is it so bad to enjoy the feeling of running? The wind rushing against my skin.
Is it so bad to find little melodies in life? Using buttons, metal things that squeak and other objects to turn an ordinary sound into something of a little beauty.
Is it so bad to want to break stereotypes? Going places people don't usually go together.
Is it so bad to go on walks late at night? See the world when people sleep and just enjoy what people don't see.
Is it so bad to pretend? Be different people from different eras for a few hours and enjoy a life not so stressful as your own.
Is it so bad to want something that's not normal? To be a little weird and feel good that you're not like every other stinkin' person on the planet.

I enjoy the little things in life. Sometimes a little bit more than people want me to. There's so many things that I enjoy doing in life that I usually don't notice or forget that other people think it's weird. That's who I am. I love it and sometimes it bothers people. That small joy that I find doesn't sit well with some people and it makes me feel  like being myself is a bad thing. I try not to let it bother me, but sometimes I can't help it.

My whole life has been spent trying to figure out why I do things, how I do them, what causes me to do them, what causes me to feel certain ways, why I feel certain ways, who I am. That's all my life will be, finding out who I am. It's not something that someone can easily discover on their own. And how can you really find out who you are and what makes you up if everyone keeps telling you what you aren't and what you shouldn't be? Shouldn't you be the one to decide that?

Why can't other people take care to notice the small things. They are everywhere and everyone doesn't seem to care or notice or to even bother to do either of the two previous. Why do people think that it's 'weird' rather than asking why is she doing that? What is causing her to do that? Is there something that I am missing out on? But, weird is out. It's embarrassing and people don't like to be embarrassed, so why should they even bother?

Those things that give me that small ounce of joy give me courage. I've lived such a sheltered life that I never noticed what life REALLY has to offer. I'm starting to see those things now and it means so much, but no one else sees it like I do. The little things don't matter to others and being told that it's not what it means to me, hurts. It tells me that I am wrong. I don't feel like that. I shouldn't feel the way I do. I don't deserve that small bit of joy.

They also give me confidence and self-esteem in myself. I'm far from being a prideful person, but seeing life and things in the way that I do, because I enjoy them, gives me a little bit more confidence and self-esteem, because I believe in myself for once and believing in myself isn't something that happens often at all.

It's inspiration. Seeing things and doing things differently than the typical person gives me a different insight on life. It's a different way of looking at something all the time. And I love it. It means that I can have a wild imagination. I can plan and create things, whether it's cooking or art or other things like that.

Why is this a bad thing?

People don't flat out say, "You're wrong. You suck. Don't do that again." But they do. Not intentionally. They say it with the way they say something, the words they choose, the sounds in their voice. It's disheartening and that's what people sometimes try not to do. They don't want me to do something, but they say they don't mind it in a 'niceish' voice rather than flat out telling me, because they don't want to seem like they're mean and 'that' type of person. Which is exactly what they do to me.

It gets really aggravating, because to me...it feels like they're telling me what not to do.

It's Just One of Those Days

The time is here. The breeze is just cool enough to be refreshing. You can smell the life returning to the plants and the land. When you're alone and you're used to hearing the silence of the day, the sound of a bird singing comes as a delightful surprise. The sun is actually warm again. Everything is good.

It's one of those weeks. A week were work gets done, everyone around is happy, and warmth and light just seems to shine in everyone's life.

This has been my week and life...


has been good.

Before I Die...

Do you ever feel like there's more? We're humans and we have so many opportunities. But do you feel like we are being "protected" from what it really means to be a human?

The world that we live in (and I mean developed countries and such) are conditioning us to live according to the ways that they want us to live. True freedom to do and feel as we, please? I feel like I'm being taunted and shown glimpses of what life could be. And it's so frustrating. We are conditioned to buy, want to buy, feel certain ways on certain days and for what? To please the guy making money?

I have a lot of respect for the guys that did "The Buried Life." They got a bus and made a list of things they wanted to do before they died. And they went out and did it all on their own. As the worked at completing one of their goals, they helped other people do something they wanted to do before they died.

That's what I feel life should be like. Doing things you enjoy doing. Not because someone tells you to do things the way they want you to do. Or because that's the way it's 'supposed' to be done and all that crap. However, I do believe in social order and that lovely topic. I'm not against it. But the corrupt hierarchy it has become is disgusting almost.

I want to know what it really means to be a human. And that is the goal I have to accomplish before I die. I want to experience nearly every emotion a human can experience. I want to visit as many places as I can. I want to find beauty in every part of life. I want to help other people live their lives to. I want to have kids to teach one day. I want to feel proud of myself and feel like I have a unique story to tell about life and what the untold possibilities are. Maybe one day soon I'll finish my Bucket list. But you know what will be at the top of the list.

What is the one thing you want to do before you die?

It Is Time For Time To Come

The year is upon us. This past year is coming to an end and a good end I hope it shall have. I would like to sum up the feelings that I have of this year from New Years Eve last year to this year. However, to simply write it all out would take an eternity, because in retrospect, a year feels like eternity. Therefor, I shall sum it up in a list of adjectives or short phrases in the order of what I remember this year to be. No names shall be given, because I don't want to feel bad for leaving someone out.

The Year 2009:

Settlers of Catan

Cold

Freezing

Cold

Exciting

Late night snow fight

Friends

School

Stress

AP

Stress

Still cold

Homework

Adventure

Cold

Still frozen

Turning to ice

Melting out

Cool

Warm

Stress

Lots of stress

Even more stress

Beautiful

Handsome

Graduation

Relief

Virginia

Friends

Excitment

Home

Adventure

Road Trip

Late nights

Early mornings

Love

Happiness

Hot outside

Warm

Fun

Games

Friends

Relief

Simple Happiness

Jeans that feel amazing

Excitment

Moving out

School

No stress

New friends

Freddi

Friends

Horrible food

Jobless

Party

Hoegaarden (directed at one person in particular and you know who you are)

Simple happiness

Life

Sweaty

Basketball

No job

Little bit of homework

Bad professors

Awesome classes

Learning??

Party

Giant pumpkin death

Coolness

Wants a camera

Homework

Jobless

Cold

Stress

No camera yet

Sweaty

Really cold

WORSE food

Bad food

Still no camera

Doesn't get better food

Gained 10 pounds

Stress out

Freezing

Breakdown

Love comes through

Jobless...still

Cameraless...still

Home...but still cold

Awesome food

Christmas

Family

Frozen

Fell in love all over again

Friends

AP

Party

Wants a camera even more

Cold

Amazing food

Adventure

Party

Relax

One more party to seal the deal.

That would be the essence of this year. Yes, I forgot a lot and yes I did repeat a lot. But it's not too bad for a few minutes of words.

See you all in the new year and hope you enjoy the new layout.

HAPPY NEW YEAR'S!

Seeing Me, For How I Want To Be Seen

You know something. I'm kinda suprised. There are people out there that actually do know some things about me. They actually know how I feel on some issues and why I do some of the things I do and how I am in general. I had never thought that anyone did.

*Aside from a particular person I somewhat had this conversation with earlier.

Have any of you few readers, and by few I mean like three (that I'm aware of,) ever noticed my maturity level? Because I feel that it is higher than iI act at school. It's lower there because I get left out otherwise and I hate being left out. But when I'm at home or at someone else's house and we're talking about kinda important stuff, sometimes I feel like I get kinda deep into what I say. Now, this doesn't always happen, mind you, but it does tend to now and then.

*This is going to be a very sketchily written blog. I'm tired, but feel the need to write something, so I'll kinda be jumping over things.*

Here's something that REALLY IRRITATES ME! Oh my gosh! You do something and you think that it's just something for fun and games and then someone get's really mad at you. Ok. And then they WON'T TELL YOU ANYTHING! Ok, so what am I supposed to do. I just hurt you in some way and don't know how I did. WHY WON'T YOU TELL ME! Or when someone you know has a problem against you and your character and they won't tell you why they don't like you or what that itch is in their side. Ok, so if you have a problem with me, why won't you tell me so that I can fix it in some way to make you feel better?

What's the point in keeping these things to yourself? Really, they don't help the world turn smoother in ANY way. AT ALL.

What bugs me the most is that it's really easy, or kinda easy, for me to get a gist of how people feel towards me. Whether they like me, hate is easy, whether they have and itch against me. So it's really annoying when they WON'T tell me a thing.

Wouldn't you find that annoying?

Oh arg! You know something that really annoys me. I'm too empathetic. I care too much about other people. I take on others problems and make them my own and worry and freak our and stress about things I shouldn't. But I do. I feel bad saying that I care too much about other people..

But it's true. I do deeply care about other people. Want to know what my reason is for going to university? To get an education that I can put back into the world so that I can help people in some way become better people or make the world a better place in which to live. That's the point, my reason and drive. Other than that, I don't see a point in going to school. That's the point of an education to me and that's what I intend to see it through to the end as.

Low Expectations In A High Paced World

The world has such low expectations as a whole in this continent. And you can't argue with me there. The media tells us that our teen years are our years to have fun and relax and graduate from high school. Even senior adults tell us that, for pity's sake. "You just enjoy yourself while you're young." But what people fail to tell us is that our teen years are the years in which we are supposed to grow and learn things that we will need to know in order to live good and well adult lives.

This world has become very fast paced. Teens just expect that once they hit a certain point in their life they will suddenly gain all of the knowledge they will need to be able to live out in the real world and be adults. But that's all just a lie that society tells us. We need to learn these things. Have you ever heard the term "kidult?" This is what young adults are being called that never grow up. They do the same thing they did as teens. They party and hang out and skip from job to job and live with their parents. What kind of life does that sound like?

Really, what are the expectaion that people have for us? Don't do drugs, don't have sex, get good grades, graduate, go to university, have fun... What will that teach us for our long life ahead of us? To do exactly what I said. Don't do drugs, don't have sex, get good grades, graduate, go to university, have fun...

Personally, what fun is there in partying and hanging out for the rest of your life? You'll never know what you could have become, who's life you could have changed, learn about the world around you, inspire someone to attain great heights, the possibilities for what life have to offer are endless. You just have to be able to want to fight for them. But the world thinks of us as lazy teens that only think of ourselves. It's a lie that has been decked up really pretty.

Alot of teens that I go to school with are lazy and slack in class. There's no real expectation in the classes. Teachers hardly expect people to do anything. They don't push their class and then wonder why the class average is so low. Teens aren't pushed to do their best; they do what they can to get by. I took two classes second semester last year that I failed to learn a single thing. In one class I got a 92% and the other was an 86% as final marks. I hardly did anything. I never studied. I talked with my friends or listened to music for most of the classes. There was also a lot of movies in those classes. And no one in my class really cared to do their best. But is our best, really our best? Or is it "just enough" to get an A. Yes, it's an A, but in most cases it's not good quality and it's n-o-t g-o-o-d e-n-o-u-g-h to be the best.

But do some teachers see that? No, they will do what they can to get students to pass so they can graduate, instead of everything being the student's ability and desire to do well. Why? Why do teachers do that to us? It really hurts us as people in so many ways.

At home, what do you do? Make your bed, walk the dog, take out the trash? Something simple along those lines? Well, why don't you cut the grass, rake the lawn, cook supper, dust, vaccum, mop, do the dishes, clean your clean, clean the toilets? Why don't you have a list of about 20 things to do after school? Alot of people probably don't even know how to do half of those things poperly. Which is terribly sad.

In your community, what do you do? Go to the movies, the park, the mall? How does that help you in any way? I would say atleast 90% of teens do NOT do any volunteer work. It's [vital as I believe to grow and learn] a very important part of life. Helping others, learning whilst helping and showing the world that "Yes, I can do something worthwhile!"

We're in our teen years. We have the time, the ambition, and the ability to do so many things that we don't. These are the times in which things are supposed to happen. This is the time where we're supposed to grow into our maturity. It doesn't just snap into us as MANY people belive. I used to be one of them. We need to prove the what society has become wrong. We are more than what they think we are.

Who's in?