Long Time No Talk

It has been a long time since I last wrote. I feel the urge to start again. Not sure why. Practically no one reads here anymore, but I'll give it a shot.

So what's new with me?

Well, I'm at an art school. I love it. Truly, it is fantastic. Wonderful people. Neat classes.

What sucks in my life right now. Need a new camera. Shitty shifts at work. Can't afford heat for the winter in the apartment. Tyler isn't here.

No, we didn't break up. He's just not in Freddi with me this year. And to be honest, it's probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I became accustomed to him always being with me. Always there when I needed him. Always there to talk with. But I can't get any of that.  I see him, on average every two to three weeks. It's really expensive to call each other on cell phones. And he doesn't have a headset/microphone to Skype with. So that cuts out talking to him and him being there when I need him all in one.

I empathize with anyone in a long distance relationship. However, I pity those of you who are and aren't taking it as a learning experience. For example, Tyler and I won't always be together. Something might happen and we break up. Or we end up getting married or something and we end up having to work in different provinces for a while or something. We have to be accustomed to not being able to have the other around for everything we need them for.

At the same time however, it's amazing how much stronger we've grown as a couple, because through this long distance, limited hanging out time and limited talking time, we've both come to realize just how much we appreciate the other. You begin to really take note of all the little things that person does for you that you never noticed before. You realize how much you miss talking to them about your cat even. I could go on for hours of all the different things you learn in being apart. But if you can't learn anything from distance, then what's the point.

No matter what the situation is, you have to find something positive about it. SOMETHING to make whatever it is you're doing worthwhile. The only reason I somewhat like being away from Tyler is because it makes me want to be with him that much more. (That is disregarding the whole fact that I'm in school and he's working and I would so much rather him work here than at home.. But I don't have the power to change that.)

That's part of my new thing. Optimism. I mean, I feel like I was usually pretty optimistic before. But now, I just want to find good in everything around.

"Please Don't Promise Me Forever"

"Please don't promise me forever.

I want us to love each other
one day at a time...

...and string all those days together
like the precious things they are...

...instead of trying too hard
and promising too much...

Please don't expect me
to always be good and kind and loving.
There are times when i will be cold
and thoughtless
and hard to understand.

But it will only be because of the weather
or the flu
or one of my moods...

Please don't think about all the things
that could happen to us.
Don't think about other people
coming between us.
Don't think about outgrowing
each other or growing out of love.

Please do think about all the good things
that could happen to us.
Think of growing closer to each other,
finding new reasons for being together...

...and think of loving.
I will, too.
I am right now.

Please don't get mad at me
if I forget your birthday
or some special day we share...

...and please remember
that there is an "everydayness"
about what we have
that is beyond birthdays
and anniversaries.

That's why, sometimes,
I may not remember one special day
because all our days are special
to me.

Please don't ever
sign a letter "as ever."

Please don't be too easy on me...
or expect me to be too easy on you.

Both of us have room to grow,
and both of us have to grow
if we want to hold each other's love.

Please don't ever give me
too much of yourself
or take too much of me.
In our togetherness
we still need our private places.

Please listen to me
when I'm talking to you...

...and please
don't ever think about someone else
when I kiss you.

Please don't start an argument
or make me look foolish
in front of other people...

...but when we're alone
don't feel like you're walking on eggs.
Go ahead and say what you think.
If I need telling off,
tell me off.

Then we can have our fight
and make up
and love again.
Just us.

Please remember
to call me sometimes
for no reason
except that you feel me thinking
about you,
needing your voice.

Please don't ever lose
that laugh of yours-
it's such a real laugh.

And never change the way
you brush my hair back from my eyes
and smile
when I'm trying to be very serious...
or the little off ways you have
of saying things that make you "you,"
one of a kind,
the one I love.

Please
let's not use politeness
and busyness and silence
to avoid our problems
and the places where we hurt.
If something is wrong
let's go after it and make it right.

It's a good feeling
to think of growing older with you,
but, please,
let's not ever grow old.

I want us to always hang on
to the newness
that we have right now.
And let's never be ashamed
of our innocence,
of our child within us.
Let's never give up our dreams.

Please don't try to keep it from me
when you're feeling down.
I'll never be able to share your joy
if you try to protect me
from your sadness.

Please
don't ever say never...

...and please
don't promise me forever.
All I ask
is that you love me
now.

And please know
that I love you more
today
than I ever have before.
I can't promise you forever,
but I can promise you today
with the hope and belief
that there is a beautiful tomorrow
in store for us."

Water Wing War

It's late. As usual when I end up writing now a days. I can't help it. It makes me feel better. Which I am. I am better than I was this winter, even if I never showed it. I hate showing the fact that I am weak, scared, upset, angry, insecure, unprepared, defenseless and powerless. Everything in life right now seems to be passing me by at lightning speed. I can't seem to catch up and keep up. I always fall behind.

The truth is, I have always been like that. We moved a lot and I was always so shy. I never had a lot of friends. I never knew what to do, how to act, I just guessed, jealous of the people who made life look so easy and full. I was never popular and I never really wanted to be, but I wanted to be someone. Someone who's got a name for themselves and you can ask any kid in school who they are. Everyone knows those kids. They are confident, strong, optimistic, and everything that I was not.

[But then, here is where I have to make a decision. I was going to say how this summer I'm changing, but I think I'll save that for after this part. It surprised me when I thought about it and it's really starting to make me look at myself. Sorry the misstep rambling.]

Somehow, by some fluke, something changed. By some desire and fate, I found myself dating one of those people I just described. He's got a name for himself back home and people like him. I feel like I don't deserve him and that he should be with someone like himself. But this gets me thinking... maybe he is with her and she just doesn't realize it yet.

This summer, I'm changing. I'm fed up with being weak. I feel stupid for having to admit to myself that I need confidence. I need to feel like I belong with people. That I can be liked by people. And I want to make a name for myself. Even if it's only 'the girl who's always got her camera.' It's something and it's a start for me. A start that I want to happen now. It can't even start until I go back home from university at the end of April. I've got a month of trying to overcome my difficulties before I have no choice and force everything to come back together. To take the idea from a friend, I feel like I'm that little kid who still can't go swimming without her water wings. This summer, I want to swim free.

Waiting for that time to come that I so desperately desire, makes me irritable. I'm ancy. I can't control my emotions and they frequently get the better of me. The anticipation is starting to get the better of me and the fight to keep control is so difficult that I always lose the battles. But I'm still in the game, and I want to win the war.

What Happens When Time Runs Out?

Days seem to be getting harder and more stressful as the semester is coming to an end. I am not a person that handles stress very well and I tend to overreact. Overreacting makes me even more stressed out which then leads into this simple cycle of "let's stress her out and push her to tears more and more often!" It's vicious and I feel nearly powerless to it. The easiest way for me to break out of the stress cycle is for the stress to go away. That is something that won't happen until April 14th. The day where I don't have to go to class anymore. I'll still have two exams, but that's nothing and I kinda like taking exams now and then.

One problem with being stressed out is that I end up taking it out on myself and on people that I care about. I feel like I cling too much to my friends and spend more time with them rather than doing the work that's stressing me out which I can't do when I'm stressed out. Sometimes I say things that I don't mean or things that are so insignificant that talking about it makes it a big deal, when in reality, it's not. I tend to take things out on Tyler, a lot. And I don't mean to. I honestly don't. But I do. He's the only person I feel comfortable talking about this stuff with. He's the person I care most about in the world. And when I feel like I don't deserve him, everything in my mind makes me wrong in every way possible.  I guess maybe I do it to try and counteract how crappy I feel. I know that's wrong and I shouldn't do it, but it's something so hard to do, because I can't take being wrong very well.

I know that it's something that I have to work on, but it's something that takes time to get better. It just feels like all my time is running away from me faster and faster. Soon, it seems like it'll just be me and myself with no one in the world to care about.

If I...

If I tell you I love you, I can mean it in one of many different ways.

I might just want to tell you that I love you, because at that very moment, my mind can't focus on anything but you or how you make me feel. Nothing else matters and I know everything will turn out ok, because you believe in me. Sometimes, that is what I mean.

Sometimes I might just need to hear you say it. I know you love me. But sometimes the anger, frustration, sadness, and the tears might get the better of me. In those times, I just need to know that you are still there for me.

It might mean that I want to tell you I'm sorry. Sometimes I started a fight, it was stupid and I can see the hurt in your eyes. Sorry isn't always good enough to apologize. I want the argument to be over and the harsh feelings to be over and all I can think to say is to tell you that I love you.

At  times, you steal my breath away when I see you walk in the room or look at me. You have this look that makes me melt inside and my heart start pounding. It's a feeling that words could only begin to describe with I love you.

I could also tell you I love you, because I missed you. It could have been a few days to a few hours between when I last saw you. But sometimes things happen and having the chance to be with you again gives me hope.


Depending on how I am feeling, depends on what I mean by the same three words. You may not know it, but I do. And it's difficult to explain at times, because when you're on my mind, words are hard to come by.

And I know I'm not the only person like this. Words can have a thousand meanings, too. You just have to know which one you are trying to get out there.

I Want You To Be My Reason

"You are my reason for... [ insert end of phrase here]."

To hear from someone that you are their reason for, waking up in the morning or something like that... it holds such a promise. That one sentence, even though not usually literally true, means that they truly care about you. It gives such hope for love and happiness and the belief in a brighter next step in life.

I know that it's far from being literally true. 'Cause it's not like someone would only wake up because of their intense love for one person and that is ALL that matters in life. I know that it's not really like that.  But it's the meaning that is behind it. It means I want to be with you. I love you. You are important to me. I care about you. And a whole slew of other things that are all in the same ballpark. Meaning, I could go on and on about what that one sentence (and others like it, of course) really mean to someone.

It is, however, not a meaning that should be taken lightly. Simply to use something of this caliber (though when I say it like that makes it sound like you're trying to overtake enemy territory) to 'get with' another person is so wrong. It messes not only with people's minds, but it messes with their hearts.

It is something that should only be said when the feelings are true. And not in 'case of emergency.' But especially for me, it just gives me another small bit of confidence about myself. Like, "Wow, I mean that much to someone. I guess there really is something special about me."

You Are Wrong...

The world tells you that you are wrong. Your hair isn't the right color. You're too fat. You're stupid. You aren't pretty enough. You aren't as artistic as you were told you were. Your skin is wrong. Your thoughts are wrong. Your style is wrong. Your opinions are wrong. Your beauty is wrong and you've screwed up too many times to worth anything of value. Everything that makes you beautiful and exactly who you are supposed to be, is wrong.

These lies surround us daily. And really, what is there that we can do? When someone is told something over and over and over and that is all they hear, can you really not start to believe it?

I bet that if you asked most women how confident in themselves they are, out in friends, family or even out to coffee. Most women would say they are confident and they believe themselves to be beautiful. But take that woman and at night when she's all alone, ask her the same question. When the day is said and done, and you go to bed and review everything that's happened to you in the past few days, I bet the women that said they were confident, most of them wouldn't say quite the same thing.

When I mean confidence, I don't just mean confidence in who you are. I mean, confidence in your identity. Your looks. Your skills. Your intellect. You as a social being. You as a lover. You as a good woman. Confidence, in being an all around good human.

Society sucks today in that they push you to buy and buy and that's the only way to make you happy. They make you feel horrible about yourself to self to buy a damn cream or a shirt. What's the point?

It reminds me of something Tyler tells me to hopefully make me feel more confident as a photographer. I'll see someone with a really really nice dSLR (a photographer's camera) and they'll have different lenses and flashes and other things I don't quite know what they are. When I see that. I get really upset, because they can take better pictures than me. They are better then me in every unimportant way than I am. But, Tyler'll tell me (paraphrased), "It's not the quality of the camera that makes a good picture. It's the quality of the photographer that makes a good picture."

If you keep that in mind, why do we have to buy crap to make our skin tanner. Or makeup to "enhance the natural beauty." Or clothes that will "slim down out bodies" and make us attractive. Why? What's the point? It's not the stuff that we buy to "enhance" ourselves that makes us beautiful. It's who we are, that makes us beautiful.

For many people, that might be something a little hard to take, because we have become so reliant on products and crap to define who we are. But, we're all beautiful. Sometimes, we just have to be reminded of it.

I know that I need to be reminded all the time. Because I'm not talented in anyway. I'm a horrible friend and an even worse girlfriend. I'm greedy. I'm selfish. I'm far from even being pretty. My skin's too pale. I'm too fat. My hair is never just right. I'm not smart. And I have made too many stupid, irrational and just fucked up mistakes to really be able to be happy.

But sneaking up on me to give me a hug, makes me feel like a good friend. Using one of my pictures as your display pictures makes me feel so talented. Saying you like my hat or my shoes or something small and random, makes me feel like I don't look as bad as thought. It's the little things you never really think about in life that give me that small bit of confidence to get through the day. Though, I'm sure I am not the only one that is like that.

I know that some of you that read my ramblings aren't really going to see it. Or it's something that's never happened to you. But it is something that is all too real for me. I don't need to hear anyone tell me how amazing I am just the way I am, because there's only one person I can ever really believe those words from; and he doesn't read any of this. I don't want someone to try and tell me that what I am saying is wrong and that I should look at things from another point of view, because I am amazing and all that stuff. This is the way, I see the world. But, what I want to know is if I am the only one.