So, let me demonstrate:
There are three people involved. A. B. and C.
Persons A and B are dating.
One night, person A breaks up with person B to go out with person C.
Guess which role I played.
That's right, I was person A.
There are those of you that know what happened, but for those of you that don't, a quick sum up:
Tyler (my current boyfriend) and I dated about two and a half years ago. One thing led to another and I broke up with him and then ended up going out with a new guy for a few days right after. Even though it's as simple as two sentences, it is still something that haunts me. It doesn't go away, no matter how hard I have tried to let it go, or forget about it or bury so far in my memories that it doesn't want to resurface... but no matter what I do, it always comes back to haunt me.
Then, I hurt someone and I did feel really bad about it (even if he doesn't believe me when I say that.) I regret ending things the way I did. It's the regret I hold above all of the regrets I have. Yes, I do have some, not many, but there's some.
Today, I feel worse about it now than I did then, because there's no forgiveness for me for it. And now that it has happened to someone else... well, I feel even worse, because I didn't see the signs that it would happen. I wish I could have done something to make it better, but I know there wasn't anything I could have done. Yet, lower I seem to sink into a desperate pit of suffering because of a stupid, girly, teenage mistake that I made.
Why he ever wanted me back between then and now, I'll never understand. Why he wanted things to start again this time, I don't know. Why he loves me, are reasons that I can't believe. But they are all the reasons that I love him. There's reason upon reason upon reason as to why I love him. The reasons he gives to me are too good to be true. Yet, I hurt him so much. Why?
I don't deserve him... because he can do better.
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I can't really comment or know all there is to know about this, as I'm not one of the trio, here.
ReplyDeleteBut everybody has their share of mistakes in their past, especially in that period of high school. I do, too, and some of them do still haunt me.
But even though they say the past defines you, that's not the most important factor. It's who you are today, and the choices you make, which ultimately make you who you are.
You can't put yourself down like that, Jessi. Evidently Tyler thinks you're worth enough to love you, and isn't that enough? All the justification he needs to deserve you is the fact that he wants to...
See, sometimes love isn't something you can "reason" with. It just is, like it or not, and it'll keep pulling you back.