Willing Past the Despair

Life is an interesting thing. You don't always see the direction you're going in or it makes you believe you're going in a completely opposite way than you think.

I don't think this post week be long, it's just mostly my thought on something. Well, a thought on how I've been feeling lately.

The past couple of years have been hard on me. Everyone determines what is hard based on their life experiences and for me, it's done of the hardest things I've had to go through with the toughest lessons I've had to learn.

I feel so empty...

But saying that makes me sad when I don't really think about it, because it's new not being myself. It's a negative outlook on a state of being: the cup half empty. I'm a naturally positive and very optimistic person. It's a trait I really enjoy possessing. Lately, it's been hard to find the positive side and move beyond the obstacles that I have been facing.

I should look at myself and say, "I'm so empty inside, but look at all this room I get to fill."

Humans don't like to feel empty, and I believe that people should have the opportunity to choose what to fill themselves up with. (Though not everyone who has this opportunity chooses wisely...)

I've spent a long time now depriving myself from experiences, information, memories, adventures. I should feel empty. I decided (pretty sure I really heavily subconsciously decided on this, because it took me awhile to figure out) that I needed to erase what was, because I needed to create something better.

I have to look at this empty feeling as a blessing. I have the beautiful opportunity to recreate myself to be the person I am inside. To shine light on all that I've kept hidden from myself.

This is a glass half full. Willing itself to life.

And that's exactly what I need to do.

Believe it.
Accept it.
Adopt it.

Get ready self! I'm fucking coming for you.

An Event that Causes a Turning Point

This past Thursday I was among the many across the country that had been laid off from Future Shop.

Yea, it sucks, but on the plus side, I'm getting paid to be laid off. So now, I have all the time in the world to dedicate to the things that matter: Andy, my family, art and myself. There's so many things that I haven't been able to do because I'd be wanting to do something, but be on my way to work. I'd loose the idea or the desire to do what I had wanted to do. Now, I have time to harness my abilities and make them work for me.

I've had a feeling for the last while that something that was coming. Something was going to happen that I'd have no control over and it would cause a chain of events that change my life. I had been panicking inside for some time, because I had no idea on what to expect or any clue of what was going to happen.

This feels like what I had been waiting for. The day it happened I had been getting shaky with anticipation of having my meeting. I wanted to find out if I would be on the list of people "no longer with us." I worked 5.5 hours until I had my meeting. As I waited, I thought about each side of the coin.

On one hand, it would be great to keep my job. Andy and I might be able to still move into a really nice apartment in a couple months. And I could start making a dent in my debt. On the other hand, I would hopefully get severance pay and not have to work for a little while.

The longer I thought about it, the more I wanted to be laid off. It would create some opportunities for me. I'd have to actually work at making money and be creative about how I do it. Maybe sell some things? It would also be a good opportunity for me to get off my ass and actually work at being a photographer. I could begin to have the kind of life that I've been wanting to have and not have to force myself to go to work.

Overall, I'm actually really excited about this opportunity. My feeling had me worried and panicked, because I thought that it would be something bad; one more worry and stress to stack on to the pile that I've been trying to shovel away for the last couple of years. One more thing to make just over the line of hard to live. Instead, I get my life handed to me on a silver platter.

When a gift comes your way, accept it and run full steam ahead, gift in hand and fire burning in your heart. Because when life gives you something like this, you have to make your life worth it. Make it worth it for you. Make it something that when you wake up each day you grin so big your heart beams with happiness. Make it something that when your head hits the pillow you pass out, because you were exhausted from spending the whole day living your life to fullest.

This little bit of freedom is my gift from life. Now it's my turn to really live it.

I Built and Now I Break

I've been reading some of my older posts. I feel like I used to be far freer with my words than I am now. I'm so self protected and so well hidden that not just anything slips out. I used to let my thoughts run wild and free and escape on to the page for myself and others to see.

Now, I can't.
The guards don't let anything get out.
Hidden and secret behind the walls.
Nothing can hurt me here.

Can it?

I watched a guard come in to keep tabs on security.
The brief moment I saw past him out to the world beyond.
Has the world changed?
Is it safe?

With the thought implanted, there was no changing course.
I told the guards a long time ago to keep me safe.
They won't go so easily.
The revolution has begun.

A war that I started fighting with myself for my own freedom.
The power to let my wounds fully heal,
If the world is as I believe it to be.
Or I'll accept the consequences if it's not.

But I don't care.
I want out.
I need to be out.
Safety isn't living, it's surviving.

The time is now.
I'm bringing the fight to myself.
I will not back down.
I will become evermore free everyday going forward.

But I will not be fighting alone.
It took some time, but I have someone on the inside that's fighting for me too.
He's disguised as a guard.
With his help, there's no chance of me failing.

I will win this war.
I will be free.
I will own my life.
I will be me.

Words Written, A Quick Summary of Time Gone Past

Time has come and time has passed.
I feel like forwards steps are what I should have done.
Instead, I fell backwards unable to catch my fall.
I fell so far and so fast that I didn't even realize what was going on.
Until I hit the bottom.

I sat up and my first instinct was panic.
I was in territory uncharted in my never been lost before mind.
Thoughts swirled and raced and never stayed in the same place for too long.
Where was I? What happened?
I kept asking myself the questions everyone does in any moment ever they have time to think about.

It wasn't until I had begun crying that I realized something was off.
Where I was sitting, didn't feel as I expected rock bottom to feel.
There was something warm and inviting down here.
I looked around, only darkness.
When the ground began to shake from under me did I realize what happened.

When I fell, I did hit the lowest of lows beyond what I thought was imaginable.
The darkness of the world around me did consume me.
I couldn't believe that life would throw me down harder and farther than I already was.
I fell flat on my face, only to feel reassuring hands pick me up.
I wasn't alone.

Luck. Chance. Coincidence. Fate.
Whatever you choose to call it, it was real.
When I fell, I landed right on top of someone who had already been down there.
He knew the pain of being trapped in the never ending darkness.
He brought me to my feet and taught me how to stand again.

Once the never ending task of standing finally came to a joyful conclusion,
The horror of learning how to walk began.
After he helped me with that, the only task left before me was to climb.
Higher, beyond my never-ending imagination was my destination.
Not wanting to go alone, I took his hand.

He'd been down there so long that his imagination had been consumed by the dark.
Believing that hope was nothing more than a word of wasted breath.
I didn't give him a choice.
I reached into the darkness and fought it for a rope.
Tying it around his waist and then mine,

I told him, "You're coming up with me, even if I have to pull you."

Times of Time Stress

There is so much stress.
And just because I can, (and I actually want to do the math) I'm going to let you figure out why I'm stressed by doing some addition.

So, here is the basic breakdown of my time during a week:

30hrs at work
21hrs in class
8-10 hrs of travel time (just to and from work)
10-15 hrs of homework

Which all equals =  69-76 hours of just the things that have to get done.
And that doesn't include eating, sleeping, showering (when I can), doing laundry (which I desperately need to do right now), being social, cleaning, cleaning, groceries, taking out the garbage, feeding the cat...feeding my fish (I should probably do that...) cleaning my harddrive of things I no longer need, editing wedding photos that a month due, along with family photos, finding time to do photos for my coworker..and for my roommate, finishing unpacking all my stuff, organizing my desk... man...I have so much more stuff to do than I thought...this is so depressing.

Almost a Year Late, With Nothing Special to Say

Do you ever have one of those days when thoughts swirl through the thousand spaces of your mind and yet, you can't think of a single thing?

It's a feeling. Or rather, a lack of feeling. You become so caught up in all that's racing through your mind that you feel as if you are a spectator. For the life of you, you simply cannot keep up with all that's going on. You sit on the sidelines and wait for your mind to slow down.

It's something that happens to us all at least once in our lives.
At least once.

How I Live Now

You can ask me what the meaning of life is and to be honest, I don't know. But isn't that the joy of it? Exploring and finding things out? What's the point in spending your whole life to doing one specific thing? Answering one specific question? Can't you just find out as it goes along? Is the entirety of your world going to collapse if an assignment doesn't get handed in? NO! It won't! 

The way that I see it. Things happen. I think maybe the point to life is to just go through with it. Live life. As if there won't be a tomorrow. Literally. Love like you've never loved. Be a friend as if everyone was your bestie. Learn, because it's something new. Do nothing you'll regret, and if you do, accept. Nothing will ever change the past (at least until they invent time machines and the whole world will be fucked up). And find something to enjoy about every day. Even if it's small and really doesn't make you feel all that much better. 

But more importantly. Be optimistic. Something good will come of whatever you do. You just have to find it. Even if it is somewhat far fetched. It WILL make things a little bit lighter on your shoulders. Even if you hate it at first. Something good can come of it. 

That's how I've been trying to live life. And it's slowly working out for me. 

Long Time No Talk

It has been a long time since I last wrote. I feel the urge to start again. Not sure why. Practically no one reads here anymore, but I'll give it a shot.

So what's new with me?

Well, I'm at an art school. I love it. Truly, it is fantastic. Wonderful people. Neat classes.

What sucks in my life right now. Need a new camera. Shitty shifts at work. Can't afford heat for the winter in the apartment. Tyler isn't here.

No, we didn't break up. He's just not in Freddi with me this year. And to be honest, it's probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I became accustomed to him always being with me. Always there when I needed him. Always there to talk with. But I can't get any of that.  I see him, on average every two to three weeks. It's really expensive to call each other on cell phones. And he doesn't have a headset/microphone to Skype with. So that cuts out talking to him and him being there when I need him all in one.

I empathize with anyone in a long distance relationship. However, I pity those of you who are and aren't taking it as a learning experience. For example, Tyler and I won't always be together. Something might happen and we break up. Or we end up getting married or something and we end up having to work in different provinces for a while or something. We have to be accustomed to not being able to have the other around for everything we need them for.

At the same time however, it's amazing how much stronger we've grown as a couple, because through this long distance, limited hanging out time and limited talking time, we've both come to realize just how much we appreciate the other. You begin to really take note of all the little things that person does for you that you never noticed before. You realize how much you miss talking to them about your cat even. I could go on for hours of all the different things you learn in being apart. But if you can't learn anything from distance, then what's the point.

No matter what the situation is, you have to find something positive about it. SOMETHING to make whatever it is you're doing worthwhile. The only reason I somewhat like being away from Tyler is because it makes me want to be with him that much more. (That is disregarding the whole fact that I'm in school and he's working and I would so much rather him work here than at home.. But I don't have the power to change that.)

That's part of my new thing. Optimism. I mean, I feel like I was usually pretty optimistic before. But now, I just want to find good in everything around.

"Please Don't Promise Me Forever"

"Please don't promise me forever.

I want us to love each other
one day at a time...

...and string all those days together
like the precious things they are...

...instead of trying too hard
and promising too much...

Please don't expect me
to always be good and kind and loving.
There are times when i will be cold
and thoughtless
and hard to understand.

But it will only be because of the weather
or the flu
or one of my moods...

Please don't think about all the things
that could happen to us.
Don't think about other people
coming between us.
Don't think about outgrowing
each other or growing out of love.

Please do think about all the good things
that could happen to us.
Think of growing closer to each other,
finding new reasons for being together...

...and think of loving.
I will, too.
I am right now.

Please don't get mad at me
if I forget your birthday
or some special day we share...

...and please remember
that there is an "everydayness"
about what we have
that is beyond birthdays
and anniversaries.

That's why, sometimes,
I may not remember one special day
because all our days are special
to me.

Please don't ever
sign a letter "as ever."

Please don't be too easy on me...
or expect me to be too easy on you.

Both of us have room to grow,
and both of us have to grow
if we want to hold each other's love.

Please don't ever give me
too much of yourself
or take too much of me.
In our togetherness
we still need our private places.

Please listen to me
when I'm talking to you...

...and please
don't ever think about someone else
when I kiss you.

Please don't start an argument
or make me look foolish
in front of other people...

...but when we're alone
don't feel like you're walking on eggs.
Go ahead and say what you think.
If I need telling off,
tell me off.

Then we can have our fight
and make up
and love again.
Just us.

Please remember
to call me sometimes
for no reason
except that you feel me thinking
about you,
needing your voice.

Please don't ever lose
that laugh of yours-
it's such a real laugh.

And never change the way
you brush my hair back from my eyes
and smile
when I'm trying to be very serious...
or the little off ways you have
of saying things that make you "you,"
one of a kind,
the one I love.

Please
let's not use politeness
and busyness and silence
to avoid our problems
and the places where we hurt.
If something is wrong
let's go after it and make it right.

It's a good feeling
to think of growing older with you,
but, please,
let's not ever grow old.

I want us to always hang on
to the newness
that we have right now.
And let's never be ashamed
of our innocence,
of our child within us.
Let's never give up our dreams.

Please don't try to keep it from me
when you're feeling down.
I'll never be able to share your joy
if you try to protect me
from your sadness.

Please
don't ever say never...

...and please
don't promise me forever.
All I ask
is that you love me
now.

And please know
that I love you more
today
than I ever have before.
I can't promise you forever,
but I can promise you today
with the hope and belief
that there is a beautiful tomorrow
in store for us."

When Life Brings You Down, You Feel Like You're Stuck

It's been a little more than a month since I moved out of the Cross and away from my dearest of friends. It feels like so much has happened, when really it has been so little. Anyway, so I'm gonna try and start blogging again. I enjoy it and it helps me get things out.

Does there come a time in your life when you REALLY want to do something, but when you go to start it you freeze. Something doesn't allow you to pass on. A fear of sorts. A fear that you will do it wrong. And everything you thought it would be would disappear and it would become a disaster.

I hate that feeling. It's pulling me down right now. The more I think about what I want to do, the more I feel to know that it won't happen. I won't get joy out of doing it. I really want to do it, but I can't. And the more I feel like I can't do it, the more that I want to. It sucks.

I wish that I didn't have such little confidence in myself. I don't really know where it all went, because I used to have so much of it. I was confident about friends, relationships, hobbies, but somehow now I'm not good at anything. At least, I don't feel like I am. Except maybe photography. Even still I'm not that good. I feel like everyone I hold dear (other than my family) is going to leave me, or I'm going to drive them away. It makes it so hard to believe someone when the compliment me, because I don't have the confidence in myself to believe them.

I really wish I did though. I just don't know how to get that confidence...

A Hall Stranger

I have now become a stranger in the halls that I grew to call home. I was checked out of my room number 142 in Holy Cross House tonight. I leave early tomorrow morning to go home. I guess this is it. This was my university experience. As my last post described, it has been an amazing experience and I am so very thankful for everything that's happened this year. It's helped me and I can now tell someone that I belong in this house, even if not a STU student.

It will be weird, seeing someone living in my room next year. And all of the rooms that others have moved out of. I guess that just means others that moved out and me have to come back to the house and torment the first years. :) Well, not reaaaally.

Anyway, this is short and I might write more later. But probably not. It's time for me to go to bed soon...

My Only Year At HCH

For now, I will only ever spend one year in university. That might change as I get older, but this was my only year in residence. Oh Holy Cross, you have shown me so much and I have so much thanks. I never thought my year here would be as amazing as it was. After you have lived here for a few months, there are a few things that happen to everyone else.

-You know the sound of people's footsteps in the hall and can identify them.
-You know what everyone's towels look like from the shower.
-You know whos laundry you're folding when you want to use a dryer.
-You will procrastinate. No matter how hard you try not to, procrastination will always hit you.
-The Olympics never fails to bring everyone together.
-Even if it's three in the morning and you could swear you're the last one awake in your hall, you hear the bathroom door open and know you're not alone.
-No matter what time of the night, there will always be someone that you can talk to if you really need them.
-Inside jokes lurk around every corner and they are waiting for you.
-If you have hundreds of dollars left on your meal card by the end of the year, you're someone's new best friend forever.
-If you can find a show online for someone, they will love the most you until the next person helps them out.
-There's always a tv show that someone wants to watch with you.
-If you don't have a text book for a class, someone in your hall will.
-Looking for a shirt to go out tonight? Someone in your hall has one to spare!
-You'll eventually learn the sleeping patterns of at least half the people in your hall.
-If you have a tv, everyone's in your room at some point.
-But if you have an N64, you can't get them to leave.
-There will always be more than one person in your hall that you want to steal music from.
-If you desperately need to print something off, someone in your hall will print it off for you.
-Cars? You don't really need one of those. There's two perfectly good feet and a bus pass for you to use.
-Stickertag will be the sketchiest part of the whole year.
-It will make and potentially break friendships.
-But you know who your friends are when you make an alliance and those in your hall bring you supper rather than let you run down to the caf completely exposed.
-In HCH, you will always make friends to last. Friends that are more than just school friends you see in class. Friends that you eagerly wait the week at home to be able to see them on the weekends. Friends that also get mad at you, because you aren't old enough to go to the bars yet, but they wait until your birthday.

This year has meant so much to me and has taught me so much that I feel like I will never be able to repay the Cross for all that it has done for me. I thank everyone who's helped me in one way or another and all of the friends I can't wait to see after school's over.

NEW:

Just to make this post even better, when you live in the Cross you:
-You know where everyone in your hall sleeps.
-You know what side of the room their bed is on.
-You know which desk they study on.
-You know what kind of computer they have.
-You know where they go to the bathroom.
-You know where they shower.
-You know which shower stall they prefer.
-You know what color towels they use.
-And to add to this creepiness, you know what kind of underwear that they wear...

Is It So Bad?

Is it so bad to enjoy the feeling of running? The wind rushing against my skin.
Is it so bad to find little melodies in life? Using buttons, metal things that squeak and other objects to turn an ordinary sound into something of a little beauty.
Is it so bad to want to break stereotypes? Going places people don't usually go together.
Is it so bad to go on walks late at night? See the world when people sleep and just enjoy what people don't see.
Is it so bad to pretend? Be different people from different eras for a few hours and enjoy a life not so stressful as your own.
Is it so bad to want something that's not normal? To be a little weird and feel good that you're not like every other stinkin' person on the planet.

I enjoy the little things in life. Sometimes a little bit more than people want me to. There's so many things that I enjoy doing in life that I usually don't notice or forget that other people think it's weird. That's who I am. I love it and sometimes it bothers people. That small joy that I find doesn't sit well with some people and it makes me feel  like being myself is a bad thing. I try not to let it bother me, but sometimes I can't help it.

My whole life has been spent trying to figure out why I do things, how I do them, what causes me to do them, what causes me to feel certain ways, why I feel certain ways, who I am. That's all my life will be, finding out who I am. It's not something that someone can easily discover on their own. And how can you really find out who you are and what makes you up if everyone keeps telling you what you aren't and what you shouldn't be? Shouldn't you be the one to decide that?

Why can't other people take care to notice the small things. They are everywhere and everyone doesn't seem to care or notice or to even bother to do either of the two previous. Why do people think that it's 'weird' rather than asking why is she doing that? What is causing her to do that? Is there something that I am missing out on? But, weird is out. It's embarrassing and people don't like to be embarrassed, so why should they even bother?

Those things that give me that small ounce of joy give me courage. I've lived such a sheltered life that I never noticed what life REALLY has to offer. I'm starting to see those things now and it means so much, but no one else sees it like I do. The little things don't matter to others and being told that it's not what it means to me, hurts. It tells me that I am wrong. I don't feel like that. I shouldn't feel the way I do. I don't deserve that small bit of joy.

They also give me confidence and self-esteem in myself. I'm far from being a prideful person, but seeing life and things in the way that I do, because I enjoy them, gives me a little bit more confidence and self-esteem, because I believe in myself for once and believing in myself isn't something that happens often at all.

It's inspiration. Seeing things and doing things differently than the typical person gives me a different insight on life. It's a different way of looking at something all the time. And I love it. It means that I can have a wild imagination. I can plan and create things, whether it's cooking or art or other things like that.

Why is this a bad thing?

People don't flat out say, "You're wrong. You suck. Don't do that again." But they do. Not intentionally. They say it with the way they say something, the words they choose, the sounds in their voice. It's disheartening and that's what people sometimes try not to do. They don't want me to do something, but they say they don't mind it in a 'niceish' voice rather than flat out telling me, because they don't want to seem like they're mean and 'that' type of person. Which is exactly what they do to me.

It gets really aggravating, because to me...it feels like they're telling me what not to do.

It's Just One of Those Days

The time is here. The breeze is just cool enough to be refreshing. You can smell the life returning to the plants and the land. When you're alone and you're used to hearing the silence of the day, the sound of a bird singing comes as a delightful surprise. The sun is actually warm again. Everything is good.

It's one of those weeks. A week were work gets done, everyone around is happy, and warmth and light just seems to shine in everyone's life.

This has been my week and life...


has been good.

I Used To Dream

I want to stop feeling like I'm the one that fucked something up whenever I tell someone what's bugging me. 'Cause the more this happens, the more pissed off I get, then, the next time, the angrier I say it. Why fucking why. Why can't I be like I was. I took shit and let it roll off. Now everything seems to bring me down more and more and I can't take it. It's ruining me. I used to hold things inside and eventually got over them without speaking a word. But I can't keep anything in anymore and it gets worse.

I know the few of you who read this will oppose what I'm gonna say next, but..anyway.

Other than my parents, I feel like no one gives a damn about me. At least, no one shows it. Fuck, I know people care about me, but I've got that personality that I have to see it happen. Like, texting me asking what's up. Or asking about going to supper or something even on campus. To know someone wants to hang out with me, means you care enough about me that you wanted to spend even half an hour with me and I didn't ask you for it.

EFFF

I hate this feeling of, I know you care, but I don't, but I do, but I don't. Mentally knowing it, but not feeling it emotionally. It tears me apart.


I used to dream about so much. I used to be happy ALL the time. That's how people knew me. The girl that was ALWAYS happy. I had best friends. Like, I have friends, but a best friend to me is a friend that you're the first person then want to tell when something funny as shit happens. Or if something horrible happens, you're the person they want to talk to. Someone that you plan with to do something awesome at least once every few weeks. Someone you just love hanging with no matter the day, the time or the length.

Everyone around me has someone like that. Did I miss out? Or am I just meant not to have someone like that.  The person who's closest to that doesn't want both role of boyfriend and best friend. Even though that's all he used to want...

I used to create huge landscapes and stories in my mind and play out stories in them while falling asleep. Now, all I can think of is how screwed I am. How useless I must be. And the most imagining I can do, is imagine how bored I'd be sitting in my next class.

Where did I go? What happened to me? Did I do this to myself or is this the way life's supposed to go? Who am I anymore? Why can't I just be me...

Water Wing War

It's late. As usual when I end up writing now a days. I can't help it. It makes me feel better. Which I am. I am better than I was this winter, even if I never showed it. I hate showing the fact that I am weak, scared, upset, angry, insecure, unprepared, defenseless and powerless. Everything in life right now seems to be passing me by at lightning speed. I can't seem to catch up and keep up. I always fall behind.

The truth is, I have always been like that. We moved a lot and I was always so shy. I never had a lot of friends. I never knew what to do, how to act, I just guessed, jealous of the people who made life look so easy and full. I was never popular and I never really wanted to be, but I wanted to be someone. Someone who's got a name for themselves and you can ask any kid in school who they are. Everyone knows those kids. They are confident, strong, optimistic, and everything that I was not.

[But then, here is where I have to make a decision. I was going to say how this summer I'm changing, but I think I'll save that for after this part. It surprised me when I thought about it and it's really starting to make me look at myself. Sorry the misstep rambling.]

Somehow, by some fluke, something changed. By some desire and fate, I found myself dating one of those people I just described. He's got a name for himself back home and people like him. I feel like I don't deserve him and that he should be with someone like himself. But this gets me thinking... maybe he is with her and she just doesn't realize it yet.

This summer, I'm changing. I'm fed up with being weak. I feel stupid for having to admit to myself that I need confidence. I need to feel like I belong with people. That I can be liked by people. And I want to make a name for myself. Even if it's only 'the girl who's always got her camera.' It's something and it's a start for me. A start that I want to happen now. It can't even start until I go back home from university at the end of April. I've got a month of trying to overcome my difficulties before I have no choice and force everything to come back together. To take the idea from a friend, I feel like I'm that little kid who still can't go swimming without her water wings. This summer, I want to swim free.

Waiting for that time to come that I so desperately desire, makes me irritable. I'm ancy. I can't control my emotions and they frequently get the better of me. The anticipation is starting to get the better of me and the fight to keep control is so difficult that I always lose the battles. But I'm still in the game, and I want to win the war.

Ever Have One of Those Nights?

Has it ever happened to you that it would be late at night and you've been trying to go to sleep for the past hour or two, and you simply cannot seem to fall asleep. You could be dog tired but for some reason you simply could not fall asleep no matter what you seem to do. This, has been me for the past few days.

I lay in bed.

And wait.

Waiting for the sleep that I so desperately desire.

And then,

I wait.

And wait.

And wait some more.

Then! an idea pops into my mind. It is something that I could do to get me to go to sleep oh so easily. I want to go to the gym. However, to my dismay, the gym is not open at two thirty in the morning... and so...

I lay there.

And wait.

And think about how much I want to go to them gym just so that I can plop down on my bed and fall so blissfully into sleep.

But the more that I lay there and think, the more thoughts that pop into my mind. Things that make no sense. Things that I'd forgotten. Things that made me upset. Things that make me mad. Things that are stressing me out. Things that I fear. Things that I would do anything to prevent from happening.

And this all comes about, because I cannot go to friggin' sleep.

Have you ever had a night like that? A night where you can't go to sleep, but you think of that one thing that would make you fall asleep. So you think about how much you want to do that one thing so that you can go to sleep, but the more you think about it, the more you cannot fall asleep?

That's me...

What Happens When Time Runs Out?

Days seem to be getting harder and more stressful as the semester is coming to an end. I am not a person that handles stress very well and I tend to overreact. Overreacting makes me even more stressed out which then leads into this simple cycle of "let's stress her out and push her to tears more and more often!" It's vicious and I feel nearly powerless to it. The easiest way for me to break out of the stress cycle is for the stress to go away. That is something that won't happen until April 14th. The day where I don't have to go to class anymore. I'll still have two exams, but that's nothing and I kinda like taking exams now and then.

One problem with being stressed out is that I end up taking it out on myself and on people that I care about. I feel like I cling too much to my friends and spend more time with them rather than doing the work that's stressing me out which I can't do when I'm stressed out. Sometimes I say things that I don't mean or things that are so insignificant that talking about it makes it a big deal, when in reality, it's not. I tend to take things out on Tyler, a lot. And I don't mean to. I honestly don't. But I do. He's the only person I feel comfortable talking about this stuff with. He's the person I care most about in the world. And when I feel like I don't deserve him, everything in my mind makes me wrong in every way possible.  I guess maybe I do it to try and counteract how crappy I feel. I know that's wrong and I shouldn't do it, but it's something so hard to do, because I can't take being wrong very well.

I know that it's something that I have to work on, but it's something that takes time to get better. It just feels like all my time is running away from me faster and faster. Soon, it seems like it'll just be me and myself with no one in the world to care about.

A Difficulty

Everyone everywhere has to have something difficult happen to them sometime in their life. It could be something small or something on a large scale. And how they react and deal with that difficulty, really shows their character. One of the most common difficulties that I see now a days are variances of depression. It could be major or minor or someone just thinking they have it.

If you take a problem and do nothing about it, or expect something else to solve the problem for you, then it will just hang around. You have to actively discover what is wrong. Which is a big step for a lot of people, because no one likes to admit that there is a problem. This is a difficult step, however, sometimes it's not nearly as hard as what comes after.

The only way to truly overcome a difficulty is to face it head on and actively seek to make it right. It's hard. It's really the hardest part about this process. Because you don't always want to work at it, because it pulls you down so much. Or you don't know what you can do to make it better.

This is where I am at right now. I don't know what really I can do. The only thing I can think to do is wait it out and go to the gym. Things are getting better, at least, I feel like they are... but honestly, I just hope that all the work I'm putting into this makes everything better in the end.

Sometimes, You Just Don't See Them

So, I have watch Lady Gaga's video for her song 'Telephone', I don't know, about thirty times, and tonight I just seem to be seeing all the little things that aren't quite right. Here they are.

1. After the guards escort Lady Gaga to her cell, they take the stripped dress off. However, they throw it one the bed. What's the purpose of it? Other, that is, than showing her pretty well naked.

2. When she goes into the exercise yard, the woman that's going to make out with her has no cell phone sticking out of the top of her pants. However, when Gaga goes to get the phone, it magically appears there.

3. Beyonce's nail's change color while she's sitting at the table of the diner. The first time you see them, they are like a pastel tie-dye. The second time while she is still wearing the yellow cowboy outfit, they are Americana.

4. The bisquits on the dying guy's plate keep changing where they're sitting on the plate and how many there are.

5. The first time you see Gaga and Beyonce together, take a look at their makeup. When they get back in the truck after the murders, the makeup is the exact same, HOWEVER, Beyonce does not have black lipstick on. If they were going to do everything else the same, why not that too?


Also, anyone notice the intense product placement in the video?

-Heartbeats headphones by Dr. Dre. There's a woman using them in the exercise yard.
-Virgin Mobile cell phone. Lady Gaga reaches for it.
-LG phone, which is also the Virgin Mobile phone. These two show up later as well.
-Diet coke cans she uses for curlers.
-Chanel sunglasses that she wears with the coke cans.
-HP laptop that the officer is using as Gaga is bailed out.
-Plenty of Fish, which the officer goes to on the HP.
-Polaroid. I didn't know they still made those cameras!! You see a camera in Pussy Wagon, and then there's a Polaroid photo booth later on.
-Miracle Whip. It's in the kitchen during sandwich making.
-Wonder Bread. Also on the table.
-They Pussy Wagon, or the truck they drive, is from Kill Bill.

I love the new director who's done 'Telephone' and 'Bad Romance'. Some of you may have noticed the similar products used in that video as well. What's really neat about the product placement, is that half of it you wouldn't notice unless you scower the video like I've done.

All in all, I love her video style. Bringing back the old nineties group dancing, as well as the really long videos from a a decade I can't place right now. I really appreciate it. As well as the fact that she half directs the videos herself.