Almost a Year Late, With Nothing Special to Say

Do you ever have one of those days when thoughts swirl through the thousand spaces of your mind and yet, you can't think of a single thing?

It's a feeling. Or rather, a lack of feeling. You become so caught up in all that's racing through your mind that you feel as if you are a spectator. For the life of you, you simply cannot keep up with all that's going on. You sit on the sidelines and wait for your mind to slow down.

It's something that happens to us all at least once in our lives.
At least once.

How I Live Now

You can ask me what the meaning of life is and to be honest, I don't know. But isn't that the joy of it? Exploring and finding things out? What's the point in spending your whole life to doing one specific thing? Answering one specific question? Can't you just find out as it goes along? Is the entirety of your world going to collapse if an assignment doesn't get handed in? NO! It won't! 

The way that I see it. Things happen. I think maybe the point to life is to just go through with it. Live life. As if there won't be a tomorrow. Literally. Love like you've never loved. Be a friend as if everyone was your bestie. Learn, because it's something new. Do nothing you'll regret, and if you do, accept. Nothing will ever change the past (at least until they invent time machines and the whole world will be fucked up). And find something to enjoy about every day. Even if it's small and really doesn't make you feel all that much better. 

But more importantly. Be optimistic. Something good will come of whatever you do. You just have to find it. Even if it is somewhat far fetched. It WILL make things a little bit lighter on your shoulders. Even if you hate it at first. Something good can come of it. 

That's how I've been trying to live life. And it's slowly working out for me. 

Long Time No Talk

It has been a long time since I last wrote. I feel the urge to start again. Not sure why. Practically no one reads here anymore, but I'll give it a shot.

So what's new with me?

Well, I'm at an art school. I love it. Truly, it is fantastic. Wonderful people. Neat classes.

What sucks in my life right now. Need a new camera. Shitty shifts at work. Can't afford heat for the winter in the apartment. Tyler isn't here.

No, we didn't break up. He's just not in Freddi with me this year. And to be honest, it's probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I became accustomed to him always being with me. Always there when I needed him. Always there to talk with. But I can't get any of that.  I see him, on average every two to three weeks. It's really expensive to call each other on cell phones. And he doesn't have a headset/microphone to Skype with. So that cuts out talking to him and him being there when I need him all in one.

I empathize with anyone in a long distance relationship. However, I pity those of you who are and aren't taking it as a learning experience. For example, Tyler and I won't always be together. Something might happen and we break up. Or we end up getting married or something and we end up having to work in different provinces for a while or something. We have to be accustomed to not being able to have the other around for everything we need them for.

At the same time however, it's amazing how much stronger we've grown as a couple, because through this long distance, limited hanging out time and limited talking time, we've both come to realize just how much we appreciate the other. You begin to really take note of all the little things that person does for you that you never noticed before. You realize how much you miss talking to them about your cat even. I could go on for hours of all the different things you learn in being apart. But if you can't learn anything from distance, then what's the point.

No matter what the situation is, you have to find something positive about it. SOMETHING to make whatever it is you're doing worthwhile. The only reason I somewhat like being away from Tyler is because it makes me want to be with him that much more. (That is disregarding the whole fact that I'm in school and he's working and I would so much rather him work here than at home.. But I don't have the power to change that.)

That's part of my new thing. Optimism. I mean, I feel like I was usually pretty optimistic before. But now, I just want to find good in everything around.

"Please Don't Promise Me Forever"

"Please don't promise me forever.

I want us to love each other
one day at a time...

...and string all those days together
like the precious things they are...

...instead of trying too hard
and promising too much...

Please don't expect me
to always be good and kind and loving.
There are times when i will be cold
and thoughtless
and hard to understand.

But it will only be because of the weather
or the flu
or one of my moods...

Please don't think about all the things
that could happen to us.
Don't think about other people
coming between us.
Don't think about outgrowing
each other or growing out of love.

Please do think about all the good things
that could happen to us.
Think of growing closer to each other,
finding new reasons for being together...

...and think of loving.
I will, too.
I am right now.

Please don't get mad at me
if I forget your birthday
or some special day we share...

...and please remember
that there is an "everydayness"
about what we have
that is beyond birthdays
and anniversaries.

That's why, sometimes,
I may not remember one special day
because all our days are special
to me.

Please don't ever
sign a letter "as ever."

Please don't be too easy on me...
or expect me to be too easy on you.

Both of us have room to grow,
and both of us have to grow
if we want to hold each other's love.

Please don't ever give me
too much of yourself
or take too much of me.
In our togetherness
we still need our private places.

Please listen to me
when I'm talking to you...

...and please
don't ever think about someone else
when I kiss you.

Please don't start an argument
or make me look foolish
in front of other people...

...but when we're alone
don't feel like you're walking on eggs.
Go ahead and say what you think.
If I need telling off,
tell me off.

Then we can have our fight
and make up
and love again.
Just us.

Please remember
to call me sometimes
for no reason
except that you feel me thinking
about you,
needing your voice.

Please don't ever lose
that laugh of yours-
it's such a real laugh.

And never change the way
you brush my hair back from my eyes
and smile
when I'm trying to be very serious...
or the little off ways you have
of saying things that make you "you,"
one of a kind,
the one I love.

Please
let's not use politeness
and busyness and silence
to avoid our problems
and the places where we hurt.
If something is wrong
let's go after it and make it right.

It's a good feeling
to think of growing older with you,
but, please,
let's not ever grow old.

I want us to always hang on
to the newness
that we have right now.
And let's never be ashamed
of our innocence,
of our child within us.
Let's never give up our dreams.

Please don't try to keep it from me
when you're feeling down.
I'll never be able to share your joy
if you try to protect me
from your sadness.

Please
don't ever say never...

...and please
don't promise me forever.
All I ask
is that you love me
now.

And please know
that I love you more
today
than I ever have before.
I can't promise you forever,
but I can promise you today
with the hope and belief
that there is a beautiful tomorrow
in store for us."