I Built and Now I Break

I've been reading some of my older posts. I feel like I used to be far freer with my words than I am now. I'm so self protected and so well hidden that not just anything slips out. I used to let my thoughts run wild and free and escape on to the page for myself and others to see.

Now, I can't.
The guards don't let anything get out.
Hidden and secret behind the walls.
Nothing can hurt me here.

Can it?

I watched a guard come in to keep tabs on security.
The brief moment I saw past him out to the world beyond.
Has the world changed?
Is it safe?

With the thought implanted, there was no changing course.
I told the guards a long time ago to keep me safe.
They won't go so easily.
The revolution has begun.

A war that I started fighting with myself for my own freedom.
The power to let my wounds fully heal,
If the world is as I believe it to be.
Or I'll accept the consequences if it's not.

But I don't care.
I want out.
I need to be out.
Safety isn't living, it's surviving.

The time is now.
I'm bringing the fight to myself.
I will not back down.
I will become evermore free everyday going forward.

But I will not be fighting alone.
It took some time, but I have someone on the inside that's fighting for me too.
He's disguised as a guard.
With his help, there's no chance of me failing.

I will win this war.
I will be free.
I will own my life.
I will be me.

Words Written, A Quick Summary of Time Gone Past

Time has come and time has passed.
I feel like forwards steps are what I should have done.
Instead, I fell backwards unable to catch my fall.
I fell so far and so fast that I didn't even realize what was going on.
Until I hit the bottom.

I sat up and my first instinct was panic.
I was in territory uncharted in my never been lost before mind.
Thoughts swirled and raced and never stayed in the same place for too long.
Where was I? What happened?
I kept asking myself the questions everyone does in any moment ever they have time to think about.

It wasn't until I had begun crying that I realized something was off.
Where I was sitting, didn't feel as I expected rock bottom to feel.
There was something warm and inviting down here.
I looked around, only darkness.
When the ground began to shake from under me did I realize what happened.

When I fell, I did hit the lowest of lows beyond what I thought was imaginable.
The darkness of the world around me did consume me.
I couldn't believe that life would throw me down harder and farther than I already was.
I fell flat on my face, only to feel reassuring hands pick me up.
I wasn't alone.

Luck. Chance. Coincidence. Fate.
Whatever you choose to call it, it was real.
When I fell, I landed right on top of someone who had already been down there.
He knew the pain of being trapped in the never ending darkness.
He brought me to my feet and taught me how to stand again.

Once the never ending task of standing finally came to a joyful conclusion,
The horror of learning how to walk began.
After he helped me with that, the only task left before me was to climb.
Higher, beyond my never-ending imagination was my destination.
Not wanting to go alone, I took his hand.

He'd been down there so long that his imagination had been consumed by the dark.
Believing that hope was nothing more than a word of wasted breath.
I didn't give him a choice.
I reached into the darkness and fought it for a rope.
Tying it around his waist and then mine,

I told him, "You're coming up with me, even if I have to pull you."

Times of Time Stress

There is so much stress.
And just because I can, (and I actually want to do the math) I'm going to let you figure out why I'm stressed by doing some addition.

So, here is the basic breakdown of my time during a week:

30hrs at work
21hrs in class
8-10 hrs of travel time (just to and from work)
10-15 hrs of homework

Which all equals =  69-76 hours of just the things that have to get done.
And that doesn't include eating, sleeping, showering (when I can), doing laundry (which I desperately need to do right now), being social, cleaning, cleaning, groceries, taking out the garbage, feeding the cat...feeding my fish (I should probably do that...) cleaning my harddrive of things I no longer need, editing wedding photos that a month due, along with family photos, finding time to do photos for my coworker..and for my roommate, finishing unpacking all my stuff, organizing my desk... man...I have so much more stuff to do than I thought...this is so depressing.

Almost a Year Late, With Nothing Special to Say

Do you ever have one of those days when thoughts swirl through the thousand spaces of your mind and yet, you can't think of a single thing?

It's a feeling. Or rather, a lack of feeling. You become so caught up in all that's racing through your mind that you feel as if you are a spectator. For the life of you, you simply cannot keep up with all that's going on. You sit on the sidelines and wait for your mind to slow down.

It's something that happens to us all at least once in our lives.
At least once.