Willing Past the Despair

Life is an interesting thing. You don't always see the direction you're going in or it makes you believe you're going in a completely opposite way than you think.

I don't think this post week be long, it's just mostly my thought on something. Well, a thought on how I've been feeling lately.

The past couple of years have been hard on me. Everyone determines what is hard based on their life experiences and for me, it's done of the hardest things I've had to go through with the toughest lessons I've had to learn.

I feel so empty...

But saying that makes me sad when I don't really think about it, because it's new not being myself. It's a negative outlook on a state of being: the cup half empty. I'm a naturally positive and very optimistic person. It's a trait I really enjoy possessing. Lately, it's been hard to find the positive side and move beyond the obstacles that I have been facing.

I should look at myself and say, "I'm so empty inside, but look at all this room I get to fill."

Humans don't like to feel empty, and I believe that people should have the opportunity to choose what to fill themselves up with. (Though not everyone who has this opportunity chooses wisely...)

I've spent a long time now depriving myself from experiences, information, memories, adventures. I should feel empty. I decided (pretty sure I really heavily subconsciously decided on this, because it took me awhile to figure out) that I needed to erase what was, because I needed to create something better.

I have to look at this empty feeling as a blessing. I have the beautiful opportunity to recreate myself to be the person I am inside. To shine light on all that I've kept hidden from myself.

This is a glass half full. Willing itself to life.

And that's exactly what I need to do.

Believe it.
Accept it.
Adopt it.

Get ready self! I'm fucking coming for you.

An Event that Causes a Turning Point

This past Thursday I was among the many across the country that had been laid off from Future Shop.

Yea, it sucks, but on the plus side, I'm getting paid to be laid off. So now, I have all the time in the world to dedicate to the things that matter: Andy, my family, art and myself. There's so many things that I haven't been able to do because I'd be wanting to do something, but be on my way to work. I'd loose the idea or the desire to do what I had wanted to do. Now, I have time to harness my abilities and make them work for me.

I've had a feeling for the last while that something that was coming. Something was going to happen that I'd have no control over and it would cause a chain of events that change my life. I had been panicking inside for some time, because I had no idea on what to expect or any clue of what was going to happen.

This feels like what I had been waiting for. The day it happened I had been getting shaky with anticipation of having my meeting. I wanted to find out if I would be on the list of people "no longer with us." I worked 5.5 hours until I had my meeting. As I waited, I thought about each side of the coin.

On one hand, it would be great to keep my job. Andy and I might be able to still move into a really nice apartment in a couple months. And I could start making a dent in my debt. On the other hand, I would hopefully get severance pay and not have to work for a little while.

The longer I thought about it, the more I wanted to be laid off. It would create some opportunities for me. I'd have to actually work at making money and be creative about how I do it. Maybe sell some things? It would also be a good opportunity for me to get off my ass and actually work at being a photographer. I could begin to have the kind of life that I've been wanting to have and not have to force myself to go to work.

Overall, I'm actually really excited about this opportunity. My feeling had me worried and panicked, because I thought that it would be something bad; one more worry and stress to stack on to the pile that I've been trying to shovel away for the last couple of years. One more thing to make just over the line of hard to live. Instead, I get my life handed to me on a silver platter.

When a gift comes your way, accept it and run full steam ahead, gift in hand and fire burning in your heart. Because when life gives you something like this, you have to make your life worth it. Make it worth it for you. Make it something that when you wake up each day you grin so big your heart beams with happiness. Make it something that when your head hits the pillow you pass out, because you were exhausted from spending the whole day living your life to fullest.

This little bit of freedom is my gift from life. Now it's my turn to really live it.

I Built and Now I Break

I've been reading some of my older posts. I feel like I used to be far freer with my words than I am now. I'm so self protected and so well hidden that not just anything slips out. I used to let my thoughts run wild and free and escape on to the page for myself and others to see.

Now, I can't.
The guards don't let anything get out.
Hidden and secret behind the walls.
Nothing can hurt me here.

Can it?

I watched a guard come in to keep tabs on security.
The brief moment I saw past him out to the world beyond.
Has the world changed?
Is it safe?

With the thought implanted, there was no changing course.
I told the guards a long time ago to keep me safe.
They won't go so easily.
The revolution has begun.

A war that I started fighting with myself for my own freedom.
The power to let my wounds fully heal,
If the world is as I believe it to be.
Or I'll accept the consequences if it's not.

But I don't care.
I want out.
I need to be out.
Safety isn't living, it's surviving.

The time is now.
I'm bringing the fight to myself.
I will not back down.
I will become evermore free everyday going forward.

But I will not be fighting alone.
It took some time, but I have someone on the inside that's fighting for me too.
He's disguised as a guard.
With his help, there's no chance of me failing.

I will win this war.
I will be free.
I will own my life.
I will be me.

Words Written, A Quick Summary of Time Gone Past

Time has come and time has passed.
I feel like forwards steps are what I should have done.
Instead, I fell backwards unable to catch my fall.
I fell so far and so fast that I didn't even realize what was going on.
Until I hit the bottom.

I sat up and my first instinct was panic.
I was in territory uncharted in my never been lost before mind.
Thoughts swirled and raced and never stayed in the same place for too long.
Where was I? What happened?
I kept asking myself the questions everyone does in any moment ever they have time to think about.

It wasn't until I had begun crying that I realized something was off.
Where I was sitting, didn't feel as I expected rock bottom to feel.
There was something warm and inviting down here.
I looked around, only darkness.
When the ground began to shake from under me did I realize what happened.

When I fell, I did hit the lowest of lows beyond what I thought was imaginable.
The darkness of the world around me did consume me.
I couldn't believe that life would throw me down harder and farther than I already was.
I fell flat on my face, only to feel reassuring hands pick me up.
I wasn't alone.

Luck. Chance. Coincidence. Fate.
Whatever you choose to call it, it was real.
When I fell, I landed right on top of someone who had already been down there.
He knew the pain of being trapped in the never ending darkness.
He brought me to my feet and taught me how to stand again.

Once the never ending task of standing finally came to a joyful conclusion,
The horror of learning how to walk began.
After he helped me with that, the only task left before me was to climb.
Higher, beyond my never-ending imagination was my destination.
Not wanting to go alone, I took his hand.

He'd been down there so long that his imagination had been consumed by the dark.
Believing that hope was nothing more than a word of wasted breath.
I didn't give him a choice.
I reached into the darkness and fought it for a rope.
Tying it around his waist and then mine,

I told him, "You're coming up with me, even if I have to pull you."