I Used To Dream

I want to stop feeling like I'm the one that fucked something up whenever I tell someone what's bugging me. 'Cause the more this happens, the more pissed off I get, then, the next time, the angrier I say it. Why fucking why. Why can't I be like I was. I took shit and let it roll off. Now everything seems to bring me down more and more and I can't take it. It's ruining me. I used to hold things inside and eventually got over them without speaking a word. But I can't keep anything in anymore and it gets worse.

I know the few of you who read this will oppose what I'm gonna say next, but..anyway.

Other than my parents, I feel like no one gives a damn about me. At least, no one shows it. Fuck, I know people care about me, but I've got that personality that I have to see it happen. Like, texting me asking what's up. Or asking about going to supper or something even on campus. To know someone wants to hang out with me, means you care enough about me that you wanted to spend even half an hour with me and I didn't ask you for it.

EFFF

I hate this feeling of, I know you care, but I don't, but I do, but I don't. Mentally knowing it, but not feeling it emotionally. It tears me apart.


I used to dream about so much. I used to be happy ALL the time. That's how people knew me. The girl that was ALWAYS happy. I had best friends. Like, I have friends, but a best friend to me is a friend that you're the first person then want to tell when something funny as shit happens. Or if something horrible happens, you're the person they want to talk to. Someone that you plan with to do something awesome at least once every few weeks. Someone you just love hanging with no matter the day, the time or the length.

Everyone around me has someone like that. Did I miss out? Or am I just meant not to have someone like that.  The person who's closest to that doesn't want both role of boyfriend and best friend. Even though that's all he used to want...

I used to create huge landscapes and stories in my mind and play out stories in them while falling asleep. Now, all I can think of is how screwed I am. How useless I must be. And the most imagining I can do, is imagine how bored I'd be sitting in my next class.

Where did I go? What happened to me? Did I do this to myself or is this the way life's supposed to go? Who am I anymore? Why can't I just be me...

Water Wing War

It's late. As usual when I end up writing now a days. I can't help it. It makes me feel better. Which I am. I am better than I was this winter, even if I never showed it. I hate showing the fact that I am weak, scared, upset, angry, insecure, unprepared, defenseless and powerless. Everything in life right now seems to be passing me by at lightning speed. I can't seem to catch up and keep up. I always fall behind.

The truth is, I have always been like that. We moved a lot and I was always so shy. I never had a lot of friends. I never knew what to do, how to act, I just guessed, jealous of the people who made life look so easy and full. I was never popular and I never really wanted to be, but I wanted to be someone. Someone who's got a name for themselves and you can ask any kid in school who they are. Everyone knows those kids. They are confident, strong, optimistic, and everything that I was not.

[But then, here is where I have to make a decision. I was going to say how this summer I'm changing, but I think I'll save that for after this part. It surprised me when I thought about it and it's really starting to make me look at myself. Sorry the misstep rambling.]

Somehow, by some fluke, something changed. By some desire and fate, I found myself dating one of those people I just described. He's got a name for himself back home and people like him. I feel like I don't deserve him and that he should be with someone like himself. But this gets me thinking... maybe he is with her and she just doesn't realize it yet.

This summer, I'm changing. I'm fed up with being weak. I feel stupid for having to admit to myself that I need confidence. I need to feel like I belong with people. That I can be liked by people. And I want to make a name for myself. Even if it's only 'the girl who's always got her camera.' It's something and it's a start for me. A start that I want to happen now. It can't even start until I go back home from university at the end of April. I've got a month of trying to overcome my difficulties before I have no choice and force everything to come back together. To take the idea from a friend, I feel like I'm that little kid who still can't go swimming without her water wings. This summer, I want to swim free.

Waiting for that time to come that I so desperately desire, makes me irritable. I'm ancy. I can't control my emotions and they frequently get the better of me. The anticipation is starting to get the better of me and the fight to keep control is so difficult that I always lose the battles. But I'm still in the game, and I want to win the war.

Ever Have One of Those Nights?

Has it ever happened to you that it would be late at night and you've been trying to go to sleep for the past hour or two, and you simply cannot seem to fall asleep. You could be dog tired but for some reason you simply could not fall asleep no matter what you seem to do. This, has been me for the past few days.

I lay in bed.

And wait.

Waiting for the sleep that I so desperately desire.

And then,

I wait.

And wait.

And wait some more.

Then! an idea pops into my mind. It is something that I could do to get me to go to sleep oh so easily. I want to go to the gym. However, to my dismay, the gym is not open at two thirty in the morning... and so...

I lay there.

And wait.

And think about how much I want to go to them gym just so that I can plop down on my bed and fall so blissfully into sleep.

But the more that I lay there and think, the more thoughts that pop into my mind. Things that make no sense. Things that I'd forgotten. Things that made me upset. Things that make me mad. Things that are stressing me out. Things that I fear. Things that I would do anything to prevent from happening.

And this all comes about, because I cannot go to friggin' sleep.

Have you ever had a night like that? A night where you can't go to sleep, but you think of that one thing that would make you fall asleep. So you think about how much you want to do that one thing so that you can go to sleep, but the more you think about it, the more you cannot fall asleep?

That's me...

What Happens When Time Runs Out?

Days seem to be getting harder and more stressful as the semester is coming to an end. I am not a person that handles stress very well and I tend to overreact. Overreacting makes me even more stressed out which then leads into this simple cycle of "let's stress her out and push her to tears more and more often!" It's vicious and I feel nearly powerless to it. The easiest way for me to break out of the stress cycle is for the stress to go away. That is something that won't happen until April 14th. The day where I don't have to go to class anymore. I'll still have two exams, but that's nothing and I kinda like taking exams now and then.

One problem with being stressed out is that I end up taking it out on myself and on people that I care about. I feel like I cling too much to my friends and spend more time with them rather than doing the work that's stressing me out which I can't do when I'm stressed out. Sometimes I say things that I don't mean or things that are so insignificant that talking about it makes it a big deal, when in reality, it's not. I tend to take things out on Tyler, a lot. And I don't mean to. I honestly don't. But I do. He's the only person I feel comfortable talking about this stuff with. He's the person I care most about in the world. And when I feel like I don't deserve him, everything in my mind makes me wrong in every way possible.  I guess maybe I do it to try and counteract how crappy I feel. I know that's wrong and I shouldn't do it, but it's something so hard to do, because I can't take being wrong very well.

I know that it's something that I have to work on, but it's something that takes time to get better. It just feels like all my time is running away from me faster and faster. Soon, it seems like it'll just be me and myself with no one in the world to care about.

A Difficulty

Everyone everywhere has to have something difficult happen to them sometime in their life. It could be something small or something on a large scale. And how they react and deal with that difficulty, really shows their character. One of the most common difficulties that I see now a days are variances of depression. It could be major or minor or someone just thinking they have it.

If you take a problem and do nothing about it, or expect something else to solve the problem for you, then it will just hang around. You have to actively discover what is wrong. Which is a big step for a lot of people, because no one likes to admit that there is a problem. This is a difficult step, however, sometimes it's not nearly as hard as what comes after.

The only way to truly overcome a difficulty is to face it head on and actively seek to make it right. It's hard. It's really the hardest part about this process. Because you don't always want to work at it, because it pulls you down so much. Or you don't know what you can do to make it better.

This is where I am at right now. I don't know what really I can do. The only thing I can think to do is wait it out and go to the gym. Things are getting better, at least, I feel like they are... but honestly, I just hope that all the work I'm putting into this makes everything better in the end.

Sometimes, You Just Don't See Them

So, I have watch Lady Gaga's video for her song 'Telephone', I don't know, about thirty times, and tonight I just seem to be seeing all the little things that aren't quite right. Here they are.

1. After the guards escort Lady Gaga to her cell, they take the stripped dress off. However, they throw it one the bed. What's the purpose of it? Other, that is, than showing her pretty well naked.

2. When she goes into the exercise yard, the woman that's going to make out with her has no cell phone sticking out of the top of her pants. However, when Gaga goes to get the phone, it magically appears there.

3. Beyonce's nail's change color while she's sitting at the table of the diner. The first time you see them, they are like a pastel tie-dye. The second time while she is still wearing the yellow cowboy outfit, they are Americana.

4. The bisquits on the dying guy's plate keep changing where they're sitting on the plate and how many there are.

5. The first time you see Gaga and Beyonce together, take a look at their makeup. When they get back in the truck after the murders, the makeup is the exact same, HOWEVER, Beyonce does not have black lipstick on. If they were going to do everything else the same, why not that too?


Also, anyone notice the intense product placement in the video?

-Heartbeats headphones by Dr. Dre. There's a woman using them in the exercise yard.
-Virgin Mobile cell phone. Lady Gaga reaches for it.
-LG phone, which is also the Virgin Mobile phone. These two show up later as well.
-Diet coke cans she uses for curlers.
-Chanel sunglasses that she wears with the coke cans.
-HP laptop that the officer is using as Gaga is bailed out.
-Plenty of Fish, which the officer goes to on the HP.
-Polaroid. I didn't know they still made those cameras!! You see a camera in Pussy Wagon, and then there's a Polaroid photo booth later on.
-Miracle Whip. It's in the kitchen during sandwich making.
-Wonder Bread. Also on the table.
-They Pussy Wagon, or the truck they drive, is from Kill Bill.

I love the new director who's done 'Telephone' and 'Bad Romance'. Some of you may have noticed the similar products used in that video as well. What's really neat about the product placement, is that half of it you wouldn't notice unless you scower the video like I've done.

All in all, I love her video style. Bringing back the old nineties group dancing, as well as the really long videos from a a decade I can't place right now. I really appreciate it. As well as the fact that she half directs the videos herself.

If I...

If I tell you I love you, I can mean it in one of many different ways.

I might just want to tell you that I love you, because at that very moment, my mind can't focus on anything but you or how you make me feel. Nothing else matters and I know everything will turn out ok, because you believe in me. Sometimes, that is what I mean.

Sometimes I might just need to hear you say it. I know you love me. But sometimes the anger, frustration, sadness, and the tears might get the better of me. In those times, I just need to know that you are still there for me.

It might mean that I want to tell you I'm sorry. Sometimes I started a fight, it was stupid and I can see the hurt in your eyes. Sorry isn't always good enough to apologize. I want the argument to be over and the harsh feelings to be over and all I can think to say is to tell you that I love you.

At  times, you steal my breath away when I see you walk in the room or look at me. You have this look that makes me melt inside and my heart start pounding. It's a feeling that words could only begin to describe with I love you.

I could also tell you I love you, because I missed you. It could have been a few days to a few hours between when I last saw you. But sometimes things happen and having the chance to be with you again gives me hope.


Depending on how I am feeling, depends on what I mean by the same three words. You may not know it, but I do. And it's difficult to explain at times, because when you're on my mind, words are hard to come by.

And I know I'm not the only person like this. Words can have a thousand meanings, too. You just have to know which one you are trying to get out there.

Doritos Save Lives

Doritos Save Lives

Watch, Rate, and pass it on. We're trying to see how far we can get.

Inspiration For Breast Cancer

There are some things in life that I can't help but fall in love with. Either it's something that is just plain amazing, or a group of people who have done something that is completely amazing. There's one video that I was shown earlier today and I can't help but love it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEdVfyt-mLw  Is the video of "The Pink Glove Dance." A hospital in the states ordered pink latex gloves in support of breast cancer. However, it was something much more than that. 

The video shows most, if not all, of the staff of the hospital wearing the pink gloves. The staff are all dancing while wearing the gloves. And I simply find it amazing. Because it shows that breast cancer research is something that they are all in support of. This is amplified by the fact that for every 1000 views the youtube video receives, they will donate 1000 dollars to breast cancer research.

I find the video really inspiring and hope that one day I could be a part of something like that. 

Before I Die...

Do you ever feel like there's more? We're humans and we have so many opportunities. But do you feel like we are being "protected" from what it really means to be a human?

The world that we live in (and I mean developed countries and such) are conditioning us to live according to the ways that they want us to live. True freedom to do and feel as we, please? I feel like I'm being taunted and shown glimpses of what life could be. And it's so frustrating. We are conditioned to buy, want to buy, feel certain ways on certain days and for what? To please the guy making money?

I have a lot of respect for the guys that did "The Buried Life." They got a bus and made a list of things they wanted to do before they died. And they went out and did it all on their own. As the worked at completing one of their goals, they helped other people do something they wanted to do before they died.

That's what I feel life should be like. Doing things you enjoy doing. Not because someone tells you to do things the way they want you to do. Or because that's the way it's 'supposed' to be done and all that crap. However, I do believe in social order and that lovely topic. I'm not against it. But the corrupt hierarchy it has become is disgusting almost.

I want to know what it really means to be a human. And that is the goal I have to accomplish before I die. I want to experience nearly every emotion a human can experience. I want to visit as many places as I can. I want to find beauty in every part of life. I want to help other people live their lives to. I want to have kids to teach one day. I want to feel proud of myself and feel like I have a unique story to tell about life and what the untold possibilities are. Maybe one day soon I'll finish my Bucket list. But you know what will be at the top of the list.

What is the one thing you want to do before you die?

I Want You To Be My Reason

"You are my reason for... [ insert end of phrase here]."

To hear from someone that you are their reason for, waking up in the morning or something like that... it holds such a promise. That one sentence, even though not usually literally true, means that they truly care about you. It gives such hope for love and happiness and the belief in a brighter next step in life.

I know that it's far from being literally true. 'Cause it's not like someone would only wake up because of their intense love for one person and that is ALL that matters in life. I know that it's not really like that.  But it's the meaning that is behind it. It means I want to be with you. I love you. You are important to me. I care about you. And a whole slew of other things that are all in the same ballpark. Meaning, I could go on and on about what that one sentence (and others like it, of course) really mean to someone.

It is, however, not a meaning that should be taken lightly. Simply to use something of this caliber (though when I say it like that makes it sound like you're trying to overtake enemy territory) to 'get with' another person is so wrong. It messes not only with people's minds, but it messes with their hearts.

It is something that should only be said when the feelings are true. And not in 'case of emergency.' But especially for me, it just gives me another small bit of confidence about myself. Like, "Wow, I mean that much to someone. I guess there really is something special about me."

You Mean the Time to Grow Up is Here?

It is no longer high school and things are slowly beginning to change. As in, I can tell that there is just a different feeling about life in general between high school and having since graduated. Life is no longer about going to the dance, or what drama will happen next, who will "fall in love," how cool this person is or how much you just do nothing, because that's all you really want to do.

In high school, things just seemed  to have a sense of ease about them. In a way, there was nothing to worry about. We still fully lived at home. Parents paid for food, the house, cleaning supplies, school supplies, everything in the house, sports equipment and many other things. Either your parents drove you around or you drove their car 'cause you don't have one of your own. You had rules that you had to obey while living at home, though they were more lax than what they were in previous high school years. You didn't have to pay bills, except your phone bill which you just gave the money to your parents. Essentially, everything was simple. It was easy. School. Work/Homework. Tons of time for friends. (Unless you were a crazy AP person and took every possible AP course available at KV.)

But now that we're out of high school, things seem to be a lot different. I live in residence and most of tuition and residence fees I had to pay. I had to get a student loan to pay for some of it. Sometimes I have to buy kleenex and small things that I need in my room. I buy food when I don't want to eat at the caf. Living in an apartment means that there's so many more things that you have to do. Buy groceries and other necessities. Pay for internet, phone and cable (if you have all three.) Make sure the rent gets paid on time. Clean the apartment (if you even do clean.) Get a student loan too. Make sure you have a job so you can pay for tuition and residence/an apartment. Manage to go to class, your job and get all of your work done (which is significantly more than what you did in high school for less class time.)

But those are just the physical and monetary differences. There's emotional differences too, and that's where the big difference comes in, or so I find. When someone breaks up, it is more than just a high school break up where the couple was doomed to end. There were solid emotions attached and hearts truly broken. The desperate attempt to find a job, because rent is due and you do not have the money for it. The search for really finding who you are as a human. The true realization that you are not a child anymore. Attempting to discover what in life gives you the truest passion to make you want to pursue it. The fear of failing a paper or exam, because it defines whether you graduate on time or not.

There's so many things to worry about, so many new things to discover and so many wonders to explore that it can be overwhelming. You just, don't know what to do with it some days and find yourself wanting to creep back to high school. But you pull yourself forward, because even though it's new and exciting, you know it's the right way for you to go to feel truly grown up.

I'm not a kid anymore, and it's starting to kick in.