How I Live Now

You can ask me what the meaning of life is and to be honest, I don't know. But isn't that the joy of it? Exploring and finding things out? What's the point in spending your whole life to doing one specific thing? Answering one specific question? Can't you just find out as it goes along? Is the entirety of your world going to collapse if an assignment doesn't get handed in? NO! It won't! 

The way that I see it. Things happen. I think maybe the point to life is to just go through with it. Live life. As if there won't be a tomorrow. Literally. Love like you've never loved. Be a friend as if everyone was your bestie. Learn, because it's something new. Do nothing you'll regret, and if you do, accept. Nothing will ever change the past (at least until they invent time machines and the whole world will be fucked up). And find something to enjoy about every day. Even if it's small and really doesn't make you feel all that much better. 

But more importantly. Be optimistic. Something good will come of whatever you do. You just have to find it. Even if it is somewhat far fetched. It WILL make things a little bit lighter on your shoulders. Even if you hate it at first. Something good can come of it. 

That's how I've been trying to live life. And it's slowly working out for me. 

Long Time No Talk

It has been a long time since I last wrote. I feel the urge to start again. Not sure why. Practically no one reads here anymore, but I'll give it a shot.

So what's new with me?

Well, I'm at an art school. I love it. Truly, it is fantastic. Wonderful people. Neat classes.

What sucks in my life right now. Need a new camera. Shitty shifts at work. Can't afford heat for the winter in the apartment. Tyler isn't here.

No, we didn't break up. He's just not in Freddi with me this year. And to be honest, it's probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I became accustomed to him always being with me. Always there when I needed him. Always there to talk with. But I can't get any of that.  I see him, on average every two to three weeks. It's really expensive to call each other on cell phones. And he doesn't have a headset/microphone to Skype with. So that cuts out talking to him and him being there when I need him all in one.

I empathize with anyone in a long distance relationship. However, I pity those of you who are and aren't taking it as a learning experience. For example, Tyler and I won't always be together. Something might happen and we break up. Or we end up getting married or something and we end up having to work in different provinces for a while or something. We have to be accustomed to not being able to have the other around for everything we need them for.

At the same time however, it's amazing how much stronger we've grown as a couple, because through this long distance, limited hanging out time and limited talking time, we've both come to realize just how much we appreciate the other. You begin to really take note of all the little things that person does for you that you never noticed before. You realize how much you miss talking to them about your cat even. I could go on for hours of all the different things you learn in being apart. But if you can't learn anything from distance, then what's the point.

No matter what the situation is, you have to find something positive about it. SOMETHING to make whatever it is you're doing worthwhile. The only reason I somewhat like being away from Tyler is because it makes me want to be with him that much more. (That is disregarding the whole fact that I'm in school and he's working and I would so much rather him work here than at home.. But I don't have the power to change that.)

That's part of my new thing. Optimism. I mean, I feel like I was usually pretty optimistic before. But now, I just want to find good in everything around.

"Please Don't Promise Me Forever"

"Please don't promise me forever.

I want us to love each other
one day at a time...

...and string all those days together
like the precious things they are...

...instead of trying too hard
and promising too much...

Please don't expect me
to always be good and kind and loving.
There are times when i will be cold
and thoughtless
and hard to understand.

But it will only be because of the weather
or the flu
or one of my moods...

Please don't think about all the things
that could happen to us.
Don't think about other people
coming between us.
Don't think about outgrowing
each other or growing out of love.

Please do think about all the good things
that could happen to us.
Think of growing closer to each other,
finding new reasons for being together...

...and think of loving.
I will, too.
I am right now.

Please don't get mad at me
if I forget your birthday
or some special day we share...

...and please remember
that there is an "everydayness"
about what we have
that is beyond birthdays
and anniversaries.

That's why, sometimes,
I may not remember one special day
because all our days are special
to me.

Please don't ever
sign a letter "as ever."

Please don't be too easy on me...
or expect me to be too easy on you.

Both of us have room to grow,
and both of us have to grow
if we want to hold each other's love.

Please don't ever give me
too much of yourself
or take too much of me.
In our togetherness
we still need our private places.

Please listen to me
when I'm talking to you...

...and please
don't ever think about someone else
when I kiss you.

Please don't start an argument
or make me look foolish
in front of other people...

...but when we're alone
don't feel like you're walking on eggs.
Go ahead and say what you think.
If I need telling off,
tell me off.

Then we can have our fight
and make up
and love again.
Just us.

Please remember
to call me sometimes
for no reason
except that you feel me thinking
about you,
needing your voice.

Please don't ever lose
that laugh of yours-
it's such a real laugh.

And never change the way
you brush my hair back from my eyes
and smile
when I'm trying to be very serious...
or the little off ways you have
of saying things that make you "you,"
one of a kind,
the one I love.

Please
let's not use politeness
and busyness and silence
to avoid our problems
and the places where we hurt.
If something is wrong
let's go after it and make it right.

It's a good feeling
to think of growing older with you,
but, please,
let's not ever grow old.

I want us to always hang on
to the newness
that we have right now.
And let's never be ashamed
of our innocence,
of our child within us.
Let's never give up our dreams.

Please don't try to keep it from me
when you're feeling down.
I'll never be able to share your joy
if you try to protect me
from your sadness.

Please
don't ever say never...

...and please
don't promise me forever.
All I ask
is that you love me
now.

And please know
that I love you more
today
than I ever have before.
I can't promise you forever,
but I can promise you today
with the hope and belief
that there is a beautiful tomorrow
in store for us."

When Life Brings You Down, You Feel Like You're Stuck

It's been a little more than a month since I moved out of the Cross and away from my dearest of friends. It feels like so much has happened, when really it has been so little. Anyway, so I'm gonna try and start blogging again. I enjoy it and it helps me get things out.

Does there come a time in your life when you REALLY want to do something, but when you go to start it you freeze. Something doesn't allow you to pass on. A fear of sorts. A fear that you will do it wrong. And everything you thought it would be would disappear and it would become a disaster.

I hate that feeling. It's pulling me down right now. The more I think about what I want to do, the more I feel to know that it won't happen. I won't get joy out of doing it. I really want to do it, but I can't. And the more I feel like I can't do it, the more that I want to. It sucks.

I wish that I didn't have such little confidence in myself. I don't really know where it all went, because I used to have so much of it. I was confident about friends, relationships, hobbies, but somehow now I'm not good at anything. At least, I don't feel like I am. Except maybe photography. Even still I'm not that good. I feel like everyone I hold dear (other than my family) is going to leave me, or I'm going to drive them away. It makes it so hard to believe someone when the compliment me, because I don't have the confidence in myself to believe them.

I really wish I did though. I just don't know how to get that confidence...

A Hall Stranger

I have now become a stranger in the halls that I grew to call home. I was checked out of my room number 142 in Holy Cross House tonight. I leave early tomorrow morning to go home. I guess this is it. This was my university experience. As my last post described, it has been an amazing experience and I am so very thankful for everything that's happened this year. It's helped me and I can now tell someone that I belong in this house, even if not a STU student.

It will be weird, seeing someone living in my room next year. And all of the rooms that others have moved out of. I guess that just means others that moved out and me have to come back to the house and torment the first years. :) Well, not reaaaally.

Anyway, this is short and I might write more later. But probably not. It's time for me to go to bed soon...

My Only Year At HCH

For now, I will only ever spend one year in university. That might change as I get older, but this was my only year in residence. Oh Holy Cross, you have shown me so much and I have so much thanks. I never thought my year here would be as amazing as it was. After you have lived here for a few months, there are a few things that happen to everyone else.

-You know the sound of people's footsteps in the hall and can identify them.
-You know what everyone's towels look like from the shower.
-You know whos laundry you're folding when you want to use a dryer.
-You will procrastinate. No matter how hard you try not to, procrastination will always hit you.
-The Olympics never fails to bring everyone together.
-Even if it's three in the morning and you could swear you're the last one awake in your hall, you hear the bathroom door open and know you're not alone.
-No matter what time of the night, there will always be someone that you can talk to if you really need them.
-Inside jokes lurk around every corner and they are waiting for you.
-If you have hundreds of dollars left on your meal card by the end of the year, you're someone's new best friend forever.
-If you can find a show online for someone, they will love the most you until the next person helps them out.
-There's always a tv show that someone wants to watch with you.
-If you don't have a text book for a class, someone in your hall will.
-Looking for a shirt to go out tonight? Someone in your hall has one to spare!
-You'll eventually learn the sleeping patterns of at least half the people in your hall.
-If you have a tv, everyone's in your room at some point.
-But if you have an N64, you can't get them to leave.
-There will always be more than one person in your hall that you want to steal music from.
-If you desperately need to print something off, someone in your hall will print it off for you.
-Cars? You don't really need one of those. There's two perfectly good feet and a bus pass for you to use.
-Stickertag will be the sketchiest part of the whole year.
-It will make and potentially break friendships.
-But you know who your friends are when you make an alliance and those in your hall bring you supper rather than let you run down to the caf completely exposed.
-In HCH, you will always make friends to last. Friends that are more than just school friends you see in class. Friends that you eagerly wait the week at home to be able to see them on the weekends. Friends that also get mad at you, because you aren't old enough to go to the bars yet, but they wait until your birthday.

This year has meant so much to me and has taught me so much that I feel like I will never be able to repay the Cross for all that it has done for me. I thank everyone who's helped me in one way or another and all of the friends I can't wait to see after school's over.

NEW:

Just to make this post even better, when you live in the Cross you:
-You know where everyone in your hall sleeps.
-You know what side of the room their bed is on.
-You know which desk they study on.
-You know what kind of computer they have.
-You know where they go to the bathroom.
-You know where they shower.
-You know which shower stall they prefer.
-You know what color towels they use.
-And to add to this creepiness, you know what kind of underwear that they wear...

Is It So Bad?

Is it so bad to enjoy the feeling of running? The wind rushing against my skin.
Is it so bad to find little melodies in life? Using buttons, metal things that squeak and other objects to turn an ordinary sound into something of a little beauty.
Is it so bad to want to break stereotypes? Going places people don't usually go together.
Is it so bad to go on walks late at night? See the world when people sleep and just enjoy what people don't see.
Is it so bad to pretend? Be different people from different eras for a few hours and enjoy a life not so stressful as your own.
Is it so bad to want something that's not normal? To be a little weird and feel good that you're not like every other stinkin' person on the planet.

I enjoy the little things in life. Sometimes a little bit more than people want me to. There's so many things that I enjoy doing in life that I usually don't notice or forget that other people think it's weird. That's who I am. I love it and sometimes it bothers people. That small joy that I find doesn't sit well with some people and it makes me feel  like being myself is a bad thing. I try not to let it bother me, but sometimes I can't help it.

My whole life has been spent trying to figure out why I do things, how I do them, what causes me to do them, what causes me to feel certain ways, why I feel certain ways, who I am. That's all my life will be, finding out who I am. It's not something that someone can easily discover on their own. And how can you really find out who you are and what makes you up if everyone keeps telling you what you aren't and what you shouldn't be? Shouldn't you be the one to decide that?

Why can't other people take care to notice the small things. They are everywhere and everyone doesn't seem to care or notice or to even bother to do either of the two previous. Why do people think that it's 'weird' rather than asking why is she doing that? What is causing her to do that? Is there something that I am missing out on? But, weird is out. It's embarrassing and people don't like to be embarrassed, so why should they even bother?

Those things that give me that small ounce of joy give me courage. I've lived such a sheltered life that I never noticed what life REALLY has to offer. I'm starting to see those things now and it means so much, but no one else sees it like I do. The little things don't matter to others and being told that it's not what it means to me, hurts. It tells me that I am wrong. I don't feel like that. I shouldn't feel the way I do. I don't deserve that small bit of joy.

They also give me confidence and self-esteem in myself. I'm far from being a prideful person, but seeing life and things in the way that I do, because I enjoy them, gives me a little bit more confidence and self-esteem, because I believe in myself for once and believing in myself isn't something that happens often at all.

It's inspiration. Seeing things and doing things differently than the typical person gives me a different insight on life. It's a different way of looking at something all the time. And I love it. It means that I can have a wild imagination. I can plan and create things, whether it's cooking or art or other things like that.

Why is this a bad thing?

People don't flat out say, "You're wrong. You suck. Don't do that again." But they do. Not intentionally. They say it with the way they say something, the words they choose, the sounds in their voice. It's disheartening and that's what people sometimes try not to do. They don't want me to do something, but they say they don't mind it in a 'niceish' voice rather than flat out telling me, because they don't want to seem like they're mean and 'that' type of person. Which is exactly what they do to me.

It gets really aggravating, because to me...it feels like they're telling me what not to do.

It's Just One of Those Days

The time is here. The breeze is just cool enough to be refreshing. You can smell the life returning to the plants and the land. When you're alone and you're used to hearing the silence of the day, the sound of a bird singing comes as a delightful surprise. The sun is actually warm again. Everything is good.

It's one of those weeks. A week were work gets done, everyone around is happy, and warmth and light just seems to shine in everyone's life.

This has been my week and life...


has been good.

I Used To Dream

I want to stop feeling like I'm the one that fucked something up whenever I tell someone what's bugging me. 'Cause the more this happens, the more pissed off I get, then, the next time, the angrier I say it. Why fucking why. Why can't I be like I was. I took shit and let it roll off. Now everything seems to bring me down more and more and I can't take it. It's ruining me. I used to hold things inside and eventually got over them without speaking a word. But I can't keep anything in anymore and it gets worse.

I know the few of you who read this will oppose what I'm gonna say next, but..anyway.

Other than my parents, I feel like no one gives a damn about me. At least, no one shows it. Fuck, I know people care about me, but I've got that personality that I have to see it happen. Like, texting me asking what's up. Or asking about going to supper or something even on campus. To know someone wants to hang out with me, means you care enough about me that you wanted to spend even half an hour with me and I didn't ask you for it.

EFFF

I hate this feeling of, I know you care, but I don't, but I do, but I don't. Mentally knowing it, but not feeling it emotionally. It tears me apart.


I used to dream about so much. I used to be happy ALL the time. That's how people knew me. The girl that was ALWAYS happy. I had best friends. Like, I have friends, but a best friend to me is a friend that you're the first person then want to tell when something funny as shit happens. Or if something horrible happens, you're the person they want to talk to. Someone that you plan with to do something awesome at least once every few weeks. Someone you just love hanging with no matter the day, the time or the length.

Everyone around me has someone like that. Did I miss out? Or am I just meant not to have someone like that.  The person who's closest to that doesn't want both role of boyfriend and best friend. Even though that's all he used to want...

I used to create huge landscapes and stories in my mind and play out stories in them while falling asleep. Now, all I can think of is how screwed I am. How useless I must be. And the most imagining I can do, is imagine how bored I'd be sitting in my next class.

Where did I go? What happened to me? Did I do this to myself or is this the way life's supposed to go? Who am I anymore? Why can't I just be me...

Water Wing War

It's late. As usual when I end up writing now a days. I can't help it. It makes me feel better. Which I am. I am better than I was this winter, even if I never showed it. I hate showing the fact that I am weak, scared, upset, angry, insecure, unprepared, defenseless and powerless. Everything in life right now seems to be passing me by at lightning speed. I can't seem to catch up and keep up. I always fall behind.

The truth is, I have always been like that. We moved a lot and I was always so shy. I never had a lot of friends. I never knew what to do, how to act, I just guessed, jealous of the people who made life look so easy and full. I was never popular and I never really wanted to be, but I wanted to be someone. Someone who's got a name for themselves and you can ask any kid in school who they are. Everyone knows those kids. They are confident, strong, optimistic, and everything that I was not.

[But then, here is where I have to make a decision. I was going to say how this summer I'm changing, but I think I'll save that for after this part. It surprised me when I thought about it and it's really starting to make me look at myself. Sorry the misstep rambling.]

Somehow, by some fluke, something changed. By some desire and fate, I found myself dating one of those people I just described. He's got a name for himself back home and people like him. I feel like I don't deserve him and that he should be with someone like himself. But this gets me thinking... maybe he is with her and she just doesn't realize it yet.

This summer, I'm changing. I'm fed up with being weak. I feel stupid for having to admit to myself that I need confidence. I need to feel like I belong with people. That I can be liked by people. And I want to make a name for myself. Even if it's only 'the girl who's always got her camera.' It's something and it's a start for me. A start that I want to happen now. It can't even start until I go back home from university at the end of April. I've got a month of trying to overcome my difficulties before I have no choice and force everything to come back together. To take the idea from a friend, I feel like I'm that little kid who still can't go swimming without her water wings. This summer, I want to swim free.

Waiting for that time to come that I so desperately desire, makes me irritable. I'm ancy. I can't control my emotions and they frequently get the better of me. The anticipation is starting to get the better of me and the fight to keep control is so difficult that I always lose the battles. But I'm still in the game, and I want to win the war.

Ever Have One of Those Nights?

Has it ever happened to you that it would be late at night and you've been trying to go to sleep for the past hour or two, and you simply cannot seem to fall asleep. You could be dog tired but for some reason you simply could not fall asleep no matter what you seem to do. This, has been me for the past few days.

I lay in bed.

And wait.

Waiting for the sleep that I so desperately desire.

And then,

I wait.

And wait.

And wait some more.

Then! an idea pops into my mind. It is something that I could do to get me to go to sleep oh so easily. I want to go to the gym. However, to my dismay, the gym is not open at two thirty in the morning... and so...

I lay there.

And wait.

And think about how much I want to go to them gym just so that I can plop down on my bed and fall so blissfully into sleep.

But the more that I lay there and think, the more thoughts that pop into my mind. Things that make no sense. Things that I'd forgotten. Things that made me upset. Things that make me mad. Things that are stressing me out. Things that I fear. Things that I would do anything to prevent from happening.

And this all comes about, because I cannot go to friggin' sleep.

Have you ever had a night like that? A night where you can't go to sleep, but you think of that one thing that would make you fall asleep. So you think about how much you want to do that one thing so that you can go to sleep, but the more you think about it, the more you cannot fall asleep?

That's me...

What Happens When Time Runs Out?

Days seem to be getting harder and more stressful as the semester is coming to an end. I am not a person that handles stress very well and I tend to overreact. Overreacting makes me even more stressed out which then leads into this simple cycle of "let's stress her out and push her to tears more and more often!" It's vicious and I feel nearly powerless to it. The easiest way for me to break out of the stress cycle is for the stress to go away. That is something that won't happen until April 14th. The day where I don't have to go to class anymore. I'll still have two exams, but that's nothing and I kinda like taking exams now and then.

One problem with being stressed out is that I end up taking it out on myself and on people that I care about. I feel like I cling too much to my friends and spend more time with them rather than doing the work that's stressing me out which I can't do when I'm stressed out. Sometimes I say things that I don't mean or things that are so insignificant that talking about it makes it a big deal, when in reality, it's not. I tend to take things out on Tyler, a lot. And I don't mean to. I honestly don't. But I do. He's the only person I feel comfortable talking about this stuff with. He's the person I care most about in the world. And when I feel like I don't deserve him, everything in my mind makes me wrong in every way possible.  I guess maybe I do it to try and counteract how crappy I feel. I know that's wrong and I shouldn't do it, but it's something so hard to do, because I can't take being wrong very well.

I know that it's something that I have to work on, but it's something that takes time to get better. It just feels like all my time is running away from me faster and faster. Soon, it seems like it'll just be me and myself with no one in the world to care about.

A Difficulty

Everyone everywhere has to have something difficult happen to them sometime in their life. It could be something small or something on a large scale. And how they react and deal with that difficulty, really shows their character. One of the most common difficulties that I see now a days are variances of depression. It could be major or minor or someone just thinking they have it.

If you take a problem and do nothing about it, or expect something else to solve the problem for you, then it will just hang around. You have to actively discover what is wrong. Which is a big step for a lot of people, because no one likes to admit that there is a problem. This is a difficult step, however, sometimes it's not nearly as hard as what comes after.

The only way to truly overcome a difficulty is to face it head on and actively seek to make it right. It's hard. It's really the hardest part about this process. Because you don't always want to work at it, because it pulls you down so much. Or you don't know what you can do to make it better.

This is where I am at right now. I don't know what really I can do. The only thing I can think to do is wait it out and go to the gym. Things are getting better, at least, I feel like they are... but honestly, I just hope that all the work I'm putting into this makes everything better in the end.

Sometimes, You Just Don't See Them

So, I have watch Lady Gaga's video for her song 'Telephone', I don't know, about thirty times, and tonight I just seem to be seeing all the little things that aren't quite right. Here they are.

1. After the guards escort Lady Gaga to her cell, they take the stripped dress off. However, they throw it one the bed. What's the purpose of it? Other, that is, than showing her pretty well naked.

2. When she goes into the exercise yard, the woman that's going to make out with her has no cell phone sticking out of the top of her pants. However, when Gaga goes to get the phone, it magically appears there.

3. Beyonce's nail's change color while she's sitting at the table of the diner. The first time you see them, they are like a pastel tie-dye. The second time while she is still wearing the yellow cowboy outfit, they are Americana.

4. The bisquits on the dying guy's plate keep changing where they're sitting on the plate and how many there are.

5. The first time you see Gaga and Beyonce together, take a look at their makeup. When they get back in the truck after the murders, the makeup is the exact same, HOWEVER, Beyonce does not have black lipstick on. If they were going to do everything else the same, why not that too?


Also, anyone notice the intense product placement in the video?

-Heartbeats headphones by Dr. Dre. There's a woman using them in the exercise yard.
-Virgin Mobile cell phone. Lady Gaga reaches for it.
-LG phone, which is also the Virgin Mobile phone. These two show up later as well.
-Diet coke cans she uses for curlers.
-Chanel sunglasses that she wears with the coke cans.
-HP laptop that the officer is using as Gaga is bailed out.
-Plenty of Fish, which the officer goes to on the HP.
-Polaroid. I didn't know they still made those cameras!! You see a camera in Pussy Wagon, and then there's a Polaroid photo booth later on.
-Miracle Whip. It's in the kitchen during sandwich making.
-Wonder Bread. Also on the table.
-They Pussy Wagon, or the truck they drive, is from Kill Bill.

I love the new director who's done 'Telephone' and 'Bad Romance'. Some of you may have noticed the similar products used in that video as well. What's really neat about the product placement, is that half of it you wouldn't notice unless you scower the video like I've done.

All in all, I love her video style. Bringing back the old nineties group dancing, as well as the really long videos from a a decade I can't place right now. I really appreciate it. As well as the fact that she half directs the videos herself.

If I...

If I tell you I love you, I can mean it in one of many different ways.

I might just want to tell you that I love you, because at that very moment, my mind can't focus on anything but you or how you make me feel. Nothing else matters and I know everything will turn out ok, because you believe in me. Sometimes, that is what I mean.

Sometimes I might just need to hear you say it. I know you love me. But sometimes the anger, frustration, sadness, and the tears might get the better of me. In those times, I just need to know that you are still there for me.

It might mean that I want to tell you I'm sorry. Sometimes I started a fight, it was stupid and I can see the hurt in your eyes. Sorry isn't always good enough to apologize. I want the argument to be over and the harsh feelings to be over and all I can think to say is to tell you that I love you.

At  times, you steal my breath away when I see you walk in the room or look at me. You have this look that makes me melt inside and my heart start pounding. It's a feeling that words could only begin to describe with I love you.

I could also tell you I love you, because I missed you. It could have been a few days to a few hours between when I last saw you. But sometimes things happen and having the chance to be with you again gives me hope.


Depending on how I am feeling, depends on what I mean by the same three words. You may not know it, but I do. And it's difficult to explain at times, because when you're on my mind, words are hard to come by.

And I know I'm not the only person like this. Words can have a thousand meanings, too. You just have to know which one you are trying to get out there.

Doritos Save Lives

Doritos Save Lives

Watch, Rate, and pass it on. We're trying to see how far we can get.

Inspiration For Breast Cancer

There are some things in life that I can't help but fall in love with. Either it's something that is just plain amazing, or a group of people who have done something that is completely amazing. There's one video that I was shown earlier today and I can't help but love it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEdVfyt-mLw  Is the video of "The Pink Glove Dance." A hospital in the states ordered pink latex gloves in support of breast cancer. However, it was something much more than that. 

The video shows most, if not all, of the staff of the hospital wearing the pink gloves. The staff are all dancing while wearing the gloves. And I simply find it amazing. Because it shows that breast cancer research is something that they are all in support of. This is amplified by the fact that for every 1000 views the youtube video receives, they will donate 1000 dollars to breast cancer research.

I find the video really inspiring and hope that one day I could be a part of something like that. 

Before I Die...

Do you ever feel like there's more? We're humans and we have so many opportunities. But do you feel like we are being "protected" from what it really means to be a human?

The world that we live in (and I mean developed countries and such) are conditioning us to live according to the ways that they want us to live. True freedom to do and feel as we, please? I feel like I'm being taunted and shown glimpses of what life could be. And it's so frustrating. We are conditioned to buy, want to buy, feel certain ways on certain days and for what? To please the guy making money?

I have a lot of respect for the guys that did "The Buried Life." They got a bus and made a list of things they wanted to do before they died. And they went out and did it all on their own. As the worked at completing one of their goals, they helped other people do something they wanted to do before they died.

That's what I feel life should be like. Doing things you enjoy doing. Not because someone tells you to do things the way they want you to do. Or because that's the way it's 'supposed' to be done and all that crap. However, I do believe in social order and that lovely topic. I'm not against it. But the corrupt hierarchy it has become is disgusting almost.

I want to know what it really means to be a human. And that is the goal I have to accomplish before I die. I want to experience nearly every emotion a human can experience. I want to visit as many places as I can. I want to find beauty in every part of life. I want to help other people live their lives to. I want to have kids to teach one day. I want to feel proud of myself and feel like I have a unique story to tell about life and what the untold possibilities are. Maybe one day soon I'll finish my Bucket list. But you know what will be at the top of the list.

What is the one thing you want to do before you die?

I Want You To Be My Reason

"You are my reason for... [ insert end of phrase here]."

To hear from someone that you are their reason for, waking up in the morning or something like that... it holds such a promise. That one sentence, even though not usually literally true, means that they truly care about you. It gives such hope for love and happiness and the belief in a brighter next step in life.

I know that it's far from being literally true. 'Cause it's not like someone would only wake up because of their intense love for one person and that is ALL that matters in life. I know that it's not really like that.  But it's the meaning that is behind it. It means I want to be with you. I love you. You are important to me. I care about you. And a whole slew of other things that are all in the same ballpark. Meaning, I could go on and on about what that one sentence (and others like it, of course) really mean to someone.

It is, however, not a meaning that should be taken lightly. Simply to use something of this caliber (though when I say it like that makes it sound like you're trying to overtake enemy territory) to 'get with' another person is so wrong. It messes not only with people's minds, but it messes with their hearts.

It is something that should only be said when the feelings are true. And not in 'case of emergency.' But especially for me, it just gives me another small bit of confidence about myself. Like, "Wow, I mean that much to someone. I guess there really is something special about me."

You Mean the Time to Grow Up is Here?

It is no longer high school and things are slowly beginning to change. As in, I can tell that there is just a different feeling about life in general between high school and having since graduated. Life is no longer about going to the dance, or what drama will happen next, who will "fall in love," how cool this person is or how much you just do nothing, because that's all you really want to do.

In high school, things just seemed  to have a sense of ease about them. In a way, there was nothing to worry about. We still fully lived at home. Parents paid for food, the house, cleaning supplies, school supplies, everything in the house, sports equipment and many other things. Either your parents drove you around or you drove their car 'cause you don't have one of your own. You had rules that you had to obey while living at home, though they were more lax than what they were in previous high school years. You didn't have to pay bills, except your phone bill which you just gave the money to your parents. Essentially, everything was simple. It was easy. School. Work/Homework. Tons of time for friends. (Unless you were a crazy AP person and took every possible AP course available at KV.)

But now that we're out of high school, things seem to be a lot different. I live in residence and most of tuition and residence fees I had to pay. I had to get a student loan to pay for some of it. Sometimes I have to buy kleenex and small things that I need in my room. I buy food when I don't want to eat at the caf. Living in an apartment means that there's so many more things that you have to do. Buy groceries and other necessities. Pay for internet, phone and cable (if you have all three.) Make sure the rent gets paid on time. Clean the apartment (if you even do clean.) Get a student loan too. Make sure you have a job so you can pay for tuition and residence/an apartment. Manage to go to class, your job and get all of your work done (which is significantly more than what you did in high school for less class time.)

But those are just the physical and monetary differences. There's emotional differences too, and that's where the big difference comes in, or so I find. When someone breaks up, it is more than just a high school break up where the couple was doomed to end. There were solid emotions attached and hearts truly broken. The desperate attempt to find a job, because rent is due and you do not have the money for it. The search for really finding who you are as a human. The true realization that you are not a child anymore. Attempting to discover what in life gives you the truest passion to make you want to pursue it. The fear of failing a paper or exam, because it defines whether you graduate on time or not.

There's so many things to worry about, so many new things to discover and so many wonders to explore that it can be overwhelming. You just, don't know what to do with it some days and find yourself wanting to creep back to high school. But you pull yourself forward, because even though it's new and exciting, you know it's the right way for you to go to feel truly grown up.

I'm not a kid anymore, and it's starting to kick in.

You Are Wrong...

The world tells you that you are wrong. Your hair isn't the right color. You're too fat. You're stupid. You aren't pretty enough. You aren't as artistic as you were told you were. Your skin is wrong. Your thoughts are wrong. Your style is wrong. Your opinions are wrong. Your beauty is wrong and you've screwed up too many times to worth anything of value. Everything that makes you beautiful and exactly who you are supposed to be, is wrong.

These lies surround us daily. And really, what is there that we can do? When someone is told something over and over and over and that is all they hear, can you really not start to believe it?

I bet that if you asked most women how confident in themselves they are, out in friends, family or even out to coffee. Most women would say they are confident and they believe themselves to be beautiful. But take that woman and at night when she's all alone, ask her the same question. When the day is said and done, and you go to bed and review everything that's happened to you in the past few days, I bet the women that said they were confident, most of them wouldn't say quite the same thing.

When I mean confidence, I don't just mean confidence in who you are. I mean, confidence in your identity. Your looks. Your skills. Your intellect. You as a social being. You as a lover. You as a good woman. Confidence, in being an all around good human.

Society sucks today in that they push you to buy and buy and that's the only way to make you happy. They make you feel horrible about yourself to self to buy a damn cream or a shirt. What's the point?

It reminds me of something Tyler tells me to hopefully make me feel more confident as a photographer. I'll see someone with a really really nice dSLR (a photographer's camera) and they'll have different lenses and flashes and other things I don't quite know what they are. When I see that. I get really upset, because they can take better pictures than me. They are better then me in every unimportant way than I am. But, Tyler'll tell me (paraphrased), "It's not the quality of the camera that makes a good picture. It's the quality of the photographer that makes a good picture."

If you keep that in mind, why do we have to buy crap to make our skin tanner. Or makeup to "enhance the natural beauty." Or clothes that will "slim down out bodies" and make us attractive. Why? What's the point? It's not the stuff that we buy to "enhance" ourselves that makes us beautiful. It's who we are, that makes us beautiful.

For many people, that might be something a little hard to take, because we have become so reliant on products and crap to define who we are. But, we're all beautiful. Sometimes, we just have to be reminded of it.

I know that I need to be reminded all the time. Because I'm not talented in anyway. I'm a horrible friend and an even worse girlfriend. I'm greedy. I'm selfish. I'm far from even being pretty. My skin's too pale. I'm too fat. My hair is never just right. I'm not smart. And I have made too many stupid, irrational and just fucked up mistakes to really be able to be happy.

But sneaking up on me to give me a hug, makes me feel like a good friend. Using one of my pictures as your display pictures makes me feel so talented. Saying you like my hat or my shoes or something small and random, makes me feel like I don't look as bad as thought. It's the little things you never really think about in life that give me that small bit of confidence to get through the day. Though, I'm sure I am not the only one that is like that.

I know that some of you that read my ramblings aren't really going to see it. Or it's something that's never happened to you. But it is something that is all too real for me. I don't need to hear anyone tell me how amazing I am just the way I am, because there's only one person I can ever really believe those words from; and he doesn't read any of this. I don't want someone to try and tell me that what I am saying is wrong and that I should look at things from another point of view, because I am amazing and all that stuff. This is the way, I see the world. But, what I want to know is if I am the only one.

Fuck My Life

So, I had this really long post that I was gonna post. Finished it, just added the picture and hit publish. I get taken to this page that says "Error, please go back and try again." I go back and my post was deleted and so was the saved draft. Someone please shoot me? Because that was such a heartbreaking moment...

You Get That Feeling, Right?

Say normally on a fine Tuesday night, there are weekly plans a best friend of yours has with their other group of friends. You're fine with not going, because it's planned and you know every week you can't see that person on that day. However, say you're having a really good day and you are told that those plans are cancelled and you are free to go over. Do you jump at the chance? Yea! I would.

However, ever cancelled your previous plans to go see that person to only find out shortly after arriving that those plans are back on?

It sucks hardcore, doesn't it?


Well, that JUST happened to me and it is one of the things that I hate more anything. Not really that I get upset at people all the time, but I hate having my hopes get pushed up only to be crumpled farther than they were initially at. So, now that I have nothing to do on a Wednesday night when I changed my original plans to hanging out with someone to then find out I couldn't really be with them, I'm now stuck doing not much of anything, because it's almost ten and there's nothing that I want to do now.

I'm in such a pissy mood now and it sucks and I might have a kinda crappy day tomorrow, just because things like this really really bother me. There's nothing that I can do to fix it either. Trust me, I've tried.

Sooo, this is going no where fast so I'm gonna go take a picture to add here and then attempt to find something to do.

Why is it all the heck over there??

Ok, so because I purchased my laptop in September from the Sony store, I got a free upgrade to windows seven. It looked a bit cooler from what I had seen of it on other computers, so I said why not. It's also an operating system worth about a hundred and sixty or so. I ordered it, and then finally got around to installing it.

I had some programs open and then needed to open a file. A file, which is conveniently on my desktop, because I access it so much. First thing I go to click is the "To Desktop" button that was conveniently provided with Vista. It wasn't there. In Vista, it was located in the taskbar right next to the Start button. But it wasn't there.

Crap. It was one of my favorite buttons in Vista, I used it ALL THE TIME. So, I sighed and then individually closed all the programs to get the the folder and continued on with my work.

I had to do that a few times and got so fed up, I went hunting. It must have been a button that was off, or just not pinned to the taskbar. Then, I found some place in my computer that said something along the lines of "clicking the desktop button will allow you to peek at the desktop." Wait, what? There is a desktop button? WHERE IS IT!!

Ok, I then noticed this little white line one the RIGHT side of the bottom bar. Could this be the sought after desktop button? Sure enough, I scrolled over it and sure enough, it read "Show Desktop." My firs reaction was "YES!" A second passed and my next thought was, "Why the heck is it ALL THE WAY OVER THERE!?"

It's on the complete opposite side of the bottom bar and right next to the notifications. Not next to the quick launch buttons on the taskbar. It was good where it was, so why was it way over there?

The Past Revisited

Well, it's been a dreadful twenty-four hours. Most of the details can't be revealed, but let's just say a part of my past was revisited this weekend, and a part, that I still can't believe was a decision I actually made.

So, let me demonstrate:

There are three people involved. A. B. and C.
Persons A and B are dating.
One night, person A breaks up with person B to go out with person C.
Guess which role I played.
That's right, I was person A.

There are those of you that know what happened, but for those of you that don't, a quick sum up:

Tyler (my current boyfriend) and I dated about two and a half years ago. One thing led to another and I broke up with him and then ended up going out with a new guy for a few days right after. Even though it's as simple as two sentences, it is still something that haunts me. It doesn't go away, no matter how hard I have tried to let it go, or forget about it or bury so far in my memories that it doesn't want to resurface... but no matter what I do, it always comes back to haunt me.

Then, I hurt someone and I did feel really bad about it (even if he doesn't believe me when I say that.) I regret ending things the way I did. It's the regret I hold above all of the regrets I have. Yes, I do have some, not many, but there's some.

Today, I feel worse about it now than I did then, because there's no forgiveness for me for it. And now that it has happened to someone else... well, I feel even worse, because I didn't see the signs that it would happen. I wish I could have done something to make it better, but I know there wasn't anything I could have done. Yet, lower I seem to sink into a desperate pit of suffering because of a stupid, girly, teenage mistake that I made.

Why he ever wanted me back between then and now, I'll never understand. Why he wanted things to start again this time, I don't know. Why he loves me, are reasons that I can't believe. But they are all the reasons that I love him. There's reason upon reason upon reason as to why I love him. The reasons he gives to me are too good to be true. Yet, I hurt him so much. Why?

I don't deserve him... because he can do better.

A Conclusion of Sorts

As of late, and by late I mean within the past two months, I decided that I wanted to pursue photography as a potential career path. The idea never would have come to mind if my boyfriend, Tyler, hadn't of mentioned it. See, for those of you that don't know him, he's an independent director. He's done a handful of small projects for people and is on his way to directing a major motion picture. He talks almost constantly about computers, programs, and cameras. With all of the talking he does one would either get annoyed or more and more interested. I went the interested route.

One night we were walking back to his apartment and we were talking away. I have been considering getting a dslr for a few months now, just to see what it would be like. In response, he said, "You know, I always thought it'd be awesome for a director to date a photographer. It'd be good for a work. Hiring two rather than one." Ever since that night, the idea of me becoming a photographer has grown. At first it was because I thought it would be something fun to try out. Then over Christmas, Tyler had said, to cheer me up one night though he did still mean it, that I take better pictures than some photographers with professional equipment. It made me feel awesome about myself and built up some much needed self-confidence. However, I did take what he said seriously, I just didn't realize how true what he had said was.

A day or so ago, I had been looking through listed photographers in Fredericton. I want to see if I can work with a photographer personally to learn a bit more of the trade. However, I looked through about five of the most local listed photographers work (http://www.chantalarseneau.com/Photography_Fredericton/Photography_Portfolio.html , http://www.karencaseyphotography.com/ , http://www.soulmatesphotography.ca/index2.php ) and was quite surprised. A good photo always pops out to me and I feel the emotions that are being portrayed through a photograph. of all the photos I had looked at, there might have only be two or three PHOTOS that were really good to give me those feelings.


It was in that moment that I realized, "Wow, I can do this." I discovered that I do have potential to become rather good at photography. Mind you, my photos (http://www.flickr.com/photos/jessiroy/) are taken with a basic point and shoot digital camera. While the "professional" photographers are all using good cameras and equipment and computer programs. I don't have the same kind of equipment or skill with the programs, but I learn easily. For the first real time in my life, I have confidence in myself that I can actually do something. I have a direction that I want to go in and I know that I can go that way. There's going to be days when I want to quit and give up, but I'll have friends and Tyler, above all, egging me on, because on the days I don't want to belive in myself, everyone else will be.



Self-confidence...my downfall.

Just found this out!

Alright, so I just found out that I can have new posts/a notification e-mailed to up to ten people whenever I post something. So, if any of you are that dedicated to reading this. Just let me know and I'll hook you up with it.

David Guetta Feat. Akon in "Sexy Chick"

This series of music videos was shot by six different directors. I won't list them all off, because it's hard to find all of their names and who did which one. If someone wants to find them all for me, that'd be awesome! Which was interesting, because there wasn't just one edit of the video, there were actually six. Regardless that I really don't like the one that was chosen for the main edit, I can't always have my way. The six different edits are the Main edit, the Nerd edit, the Sexy Chick edit, the Photographer edit, the B****s edit and the Aquatic edit. (All of the edits are linked at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0boYATLdosM&annotation_id=annotation_970796&feature=iv except for the Photographer edit, so it has to be searched seperatly.)

For those of you that don't have about twenty minutes to watch them all, or who don't want to watch them all, here is my summary of each edit, in the order that I watched them.

Main Edit:

All of the edits are based at a pool party somewhere. However, they all follow a different person/group of people. The main edit follows Akon at this party. It shows him with different girls and hanging out with David Guetta as if they were the "luckiest son's of bitches" (to refer to the phrase.) After the party, we follow Akon to the dance club with even more girls. To go with the title of the song, there's sexy chicks EVERYWHERE you look and there's no avoiding it with this music video. But it works.

However, I really do not like this edit. For me, it just seems that it is too random and there's splashes (no pun intended) of things that don't make sense. They look like there's a story behind them, but with this music video, there just isn't. Which, for me, made me kind of confused. Though if you watch all the other videos you see where everything came from, but it simply doesn't make sense to edit a video that doesn't make sense unless you spend twenty minutes watching all the OTHER versions of the same thing. Also, the song is about one girl in particular that is this amazing sexy chick. But which one is she? There is no focus on one girl particular, which made me feel as if the video was contradicting the song. Because this video focuses on one of the artists, then there should be a bit more of him in the video and shots where he's not badly lip-syncing to his own song. Overall, this ranks as a number four.

Sexy Chick Edit:

This is the edit that makes the most sense to what the song is about. The focus is on one girl, who is the sexy chick girl. She leaves clues for Akon to find her throughout the video. He keeps following and looking for her, as if he really wanted her. Closely related to what the song talks about. The way this video is laid out it is a perfect story and kind of makes sense as to why the whole thing is set at a pool. Though, in my mind a pool isn't the best setting, but oh well. Can't have my way, yet again.

Overall, there's not much that I can say about this video. Yes, I don't like the pool as a setting, but that's where they all are. Everything just works so much better in this video than in any of the other edits. The choice in person to follow works. Akon's role works. There's not blahness or blan. No bad lip-syncing. There's nothing that confuses you too much. No shots that look like a horny teenager shot them. Therefore, this is my number one choice. Which disappointed me when I should have watched it last.

Nerd Edit:

The storyline of this edit follows the same path that the previous two edits have followed. Pool party. Lots of girls. Club. However, this one follows a group of semi (and very slightly at that) nerdy guys that manage to get into this pool party. The way they seemingly act is as if they've never ever dreamed of being in such a position or even been within ten feet of a girl. Seems a slightly cheesy to me. Because it's something that just hangs over the video and isn't really a strong factor.

However, there is a reasonable story to this one that kind of makes sense. Except, the song is not something would reasonably come from a nerdy kind of guy. Plus, the song is in first person, not third (because there is a group of guys rather than just one.) Again, there is no focus on one girl, which is the basis of what the song is. However, it makes sense, if only a little bit more than the others. This is number two.

Aquatic Edit:

Ok, this one was just plain bad. Girls in a pool. That's the entirety of this edit of the video and I really hated it. There's was nothing special about it and it just seemed like two guys got with a ton of girls and video taped them dancing in a pool. Then this one girl dives into the pool and gets stranded on a beach? How does that work at all? This edit was just a complete fail, as a music video. This ranks as big fat number six for me.

Photographer Edit

This edit follows through like the Sexy Chick edit. It follows one girl in particular, who is carrying around a Polaroid camera and taking pictures of people at the party. And then it cuts and you don't see her again when the club scene comes on.

I might have liked this one a bit more if I had watched it before the Sexy Chick edit, because they are both so similar. However, the song is obviously not about her, because she's not turning any guy on. The girl that the song is for is this girl that every girl wants to be. Frankly, it doesn't work for me. The flow of the video doesn't work, but it works better than some of the other edits. Therefore, this is my third favorite.

B****s Edit

This is the last edit that I watched. And I saved it for last intentionally. Ok, so the title of the edit mixing with the song gave me the impression that it would be pretty good at portraying the song. And was I right? No. It followed the same story line as all but the Aquatic did. Pool. Girls. Club. This one seems like it was supposed to be a dirtier version of the Sexy Chick Edit. The focus is on a small group of girls and little is seen of David or Akon.

The problem with this one though is it reminded me of the Aquatic edit for a good portion of the video. It seemed like some guys got some chicks to act "sexy" with some random things they found. If you listen to the song and hear what it's about, you see that this contradicts the song a bit. "I'm tryna find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful." Hmm... Does a fake sexy really seem even slightly respectful? Another fail in my books with a ranking of five.

Well, that's my opinion of all of them. However, a pool? Why a pool? The beat, the lyrics, the compilation, everything just pulls one to having a music video set some place where the lighting is dark. Like a club. Man, they could even be at a house party or something like that. A pool with a lot of white simply doesn't work.

But, I do enjoy the fact that there were numerous edits of the video, regardless that most of them sucked to high heaven. Anyway, stay tuned, 'cause I'll more than likely be doing this again sometime!

Opinions?

“Julianne!” Rebeth whispered as she saw the woman turn around the corner. Julianne, quickened her pace as she saw her comrade. “Is anyone following you?” Julianne shook her head. “Good. Quick, follow me.” Rebeth turned and cautiously ran back to the perimeter base.

Upon nearing the outer wall of the base, Rebeth called out like a bird of prey: the red-tailed hawk. Instantly ropes were dropped from the wall. The two women sped as they neared the wall and jumped upon the ropes. The women began climbing as those on the wall began to pull the ropes up.

“Alright, I need to see Pateri.” Julianne stated with urgency as she stood up.

“Follow me.” Rebeth led Julianne into the complex. She took Julianne into a room and then said, “Wait here. I’ll go get him. Take a minute to breath then, pass the message on to him. I’ll be right back.” Rebeth left the room.

Julianne leaned against the wall and went over the message one more time, so she wouldn’t forget from exhaustion. She put her hand in her pocket and felt her lighter. Upon finding her lighter, she remembered her cigarettes, pulled them out, and lit up. She took a deep drag and held it before releasing the smoke into the air. If only her mother saw her now. Back then, Julianne never would have dreamed of smoking. Times were different.

The world had turned to war. People murdered each other for the fun of it. They were recruited to kill. Killing was the way of life. You couldn’t escape it. There was an apocalypse and the only way for people to cope with it the death and horror that it brought, was to kill even more.